I’m tired. I’m a little achy. I need a belly laugh. I will tell you a story, and maybe I’ll make you crack up. In return, maybe you’ll tell me a story that will make me shoot my chocolate milk out of my nose. Shall we try it and see?
When I moved to Maryland from Arkansas, no one bothered to warn me about the allergy season. Being from Arkansas, I’m quite familiar with the concept of “pollen”. During the spring those stately pine trees dropped it by the ton. Quite literally, the entire state was covered in yellow. Closely following the “yellow dust” was the inevitable, “yellow snot”. Apparently, when one mixes “yellow dust” with morning dew, one gets a concoction called “yellow snot”. Needless to say, when I moved to Maryland I was very familiar with “pollen”.
I moved here in the winter, and was so excited come the springtime. Absent was the “yellow dust”! So too, was the “yellow snot”! Amazing! This state has no pollen! What a foolish girl I was in those early years!
“Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh-Choooooo!” What is this? I’ve not experienced anything quite like this! It’s terrible! Oh, why? What did I do? Whatever it was, I promise, I will repent! “Aaaaaaahhhhhh-CHEEEEEW!” Oh, why? My does id do dubbed ubbb! Whad did I do? I repended yederday! And so, this became my yearly penance for moving to the state of Maryland; the state of invisible, ninja pollen. Oh, the suffering! Oh,the Benadryl!
Fast forward a few years with me, to a new and equally hellish springtime. Unfortunately, I find myself prisoner still, here in the state of invisible, ninja pollen. It is very early into the spring, and I have not yet uttered my first, “Ahhhh-choooo!”, when, very suddenly and very much like the ninja warrior I know it to be, I was brutally attacked! “Aaaahhhh-Chooo!” And I begin my mad dash to e restroom! “Achooooo!, AHHHHhHhhh-chEEEW!” I’m almost there! “AAAHHHHHH-Chooo!” I rip the bathroom door open, nearly wrenching it from its hinges! I bend to grab a foot or two of TP from the roll! “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-CHHHHOOOOOOO!” SLAAAAM My head has made forceful contact with the bathroom sink, and my world turns silent and very dark…
poke, poke, poke, poke “Mom?”, a quiet voice says. poke, poke, shove “Mommy?”, the little wavering voice is growing stronger now. This is so odd,I think to myself. POKE, POKE, POKE, “MOM!!, Wake UP!” What is this? Why am I on the floor? Why are my children yelling at me and poking me? How did I manage to fit my prostrate body in our tiny powder room? Why does my head hurt?
I find myself being helped to the sofa, by my mystified children. Somehow, a bag of frozen peas presents itself from the blurry margins of my vision. A quiet, child’s voice says, “Mommy,” I weakly reply, “yes…”. The child’s voice is a little stronger now and says, “Mommy, I think the pollen ninja really got you this time.” Somewhere, from the depths of my foggy and thoroughly concussed brain I am able to reply, “Yes. Apparently, Mommy will never be able to outrun him.”
Now it’s your turn!