Make Me Laugh

General
1

I’m tired. I’m a little achy. I need a belly laugh. I will tell you a story, and maybe I’ll make you crack up. In return, maybe you’ll tell me a story that will make me shoot my chocolate milk out of my nose. Shall we try it and see?

When I moved to Maryland from Arkansas, no one bothered to warn me about the allergy season. Being from Arkansas, I’m quite familiar with the concept of “pollen”. During the spring those stately pine trees dropped it by the ton. Quite literally, the entire state was covered in yellow. Closely following the “yellow dust” was the inevitable, “yellow snot”. Apparently, when one mixes “yellow dust” with morning dew, one gets a concoction called “yellow snot”. Needless to say, when I moved to Maryland I was very familiar with “pollen”.

I moved here in the winter, and was so excited come the springtime. Absent was the “yellow dust”! So too, was the “yellow snot”! Amazing! This state has no pollen! What a foolish girl I was in those early years!

“Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh-Choooooo!” What is this? I’ve not experienced anything quite like this! It’s terrible! Oh, why? What did I do? Whatever it was, I promise, I will repent! “Aaaaaaahhhhhh-CHEEEEEW!” Oh, why? My does id do dubbed ubbb! Whad did I do? I repended yederday! And so, this became my yearly penance for moving to the state of Maryland; the state of invisible, ninja pollen. Oh, the suffering! Oh,the Benadryl!

Fast forward a few years with me, to a new and equally hellish springtime. Unfortunately, I find myself prisoner still, here in the state of invisible, ninja pollen. It is very early into the spring, and I have not yet uttered my first, “Ahhhh-choooo!”, when, very suddenly and very much like the ninja warrior I know it to be, I was brutally attacked! “Aaaahhhh-Chooo!” And I begin my mad dash to e restroom! “Achooooo!, AHHHHhHhhh-chEEEW!” I’m almost there! “AAAHHHHHH-Chooo!” I rip the bathroom door open, nearly wrenching it from its hinges! I bend to grab a foot or two of TP from the roll! “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-CHHHHOOOOOOO!” SLAAAAM My head has made forceful contact with the bathroom sink, and my world turns silent and very dark…

poke, poke, poke, poke “Mom?”, a quiet voice says. poke, poke, shove “Mommy?”, the little wavering voice is growing stronger now. This is so odd,I think to myself. POKE, POKE, POKE, “MOM!!, Wake UP!” What is this? Why am I on the floor? Why are my children yelling at me and poking me? How did I manage to fit my prostrate body in our tiny powder room? Why does my head hurt?

I find myself being helped to the sofa, by my mystified children. Somehow, a bag of frozen peas presents itself from the blurry margins of my vision. A quiet, child’s voice says, “Mommy,” I weakly reply, “yes…”. The child’s voice is a little stronger now and says, “Mommy, I think the pollen ninja really got you this time.” Somewhere, from the depths of my foggy and thoroughly concussed brain I am able to reply, “Yes. Apparently, Mommy will never be able to outrun him.”

THE END

Now it’s your turn!

2

Lol good one!

Okay, one of my most embarrassing things I have ever told my boys was the bizarre dreams I had when I was pregnant with them (they’re 27 and 20)

Now, I maintain to this day that it was my raging hormones and not my fault but the bizarre dreams were also of an erotic nature…see I blame the hormones!

To my shame I dreamt about Patrick Stuart as captain Picard (blush) Cos my boys thought it was hilarious and for days they kept saying " engage" in a suggestive way, and finding dodgy pics online and emailing them to me at work etc.

So this had all died down and I thought they had forgotten all about it. One night recently when my fella stayed over, we were making our way to my room and feeling a bit frisky, having had a lovely evening. As we both stumbled to the bed without turning the light on, I could see someone or something in my bed by the light of the streetlamp outside. With my heart in my mouth I flicked on the light…there in my bed was a blow up male doll with a Captain Picard face mask! Bloody boys!

Then I had to explain to Rob why I had a full size blow up doll in my bed! He still teases me about it 3 weeks or so on.

I love my boys to bits and as I’ve always said they certainly keep me laughing :slight_smile:

3

OMG, that's just awesome. I've actually told my kids that if ever they can't wake me up, to call 911.

I'll have to wait till later to come up with a story nearly as good.

4

Louise! That is too funny! Boys are so much fun to have. Mine have a pretty wicked sense of humor too. It sounds like something they would do!

5

ROFL !!!!!!!!!! I'll tried to think of an equally funny story to share.

6

Ok - here's something. Not as funny as Grumpycat. My 22 -year old daughter who is away at college (same one as Rebel Mom), tells her friends and her friends parents that her Mom will talking to anyone, she'll even talk to a plant !

When she was 5 she would tell strangers with a big smile on her face, in grocery stores, the hair salon, the doctors office anywhere, My Mommy is ___ years old !

7

Grumpy - first of all - are you ok??? How's your head feeling? Secondly, I, too, am allergic to Maryland. My grand-in-laws live there and we used to visit every Summer, and I only survived due to many many iced coffees, which seem to be the only thing that takes the edge off the sneezing (benadryl knocks me out, much like the pollen ninja). Third ... Hahahahahahahahahahaha! I can totally relate. And pollen ninja - classic!!!

Louise - I have three boys. Is this what I have to look forward to?

Funny story ... ummm.... can't think of anything recent at the moment, due to my brain shutting down for the night, but here's something from when my now-5 year old was 3 years old and I told her she could sleep in a chair in the living room instead of waiting up until 11pm for Daddy to get home from work, and he would put her to bed.

“My body is telling me that it isn’t capable of sleeping in this chair, so I talked to my body and told it that I AM going to sleep in this chair because bodies need to learn how to cooperate with their owners even though your body doesn’t cooperate with you no matter how much you talk to it. Is Daddy on his way home from work now? Isn’t it about time he gets himself home from work? Do you think Lizzie is holding Rowen and Rowen is nursing? Or is he fussing or sleeping or is Baba holding him? Do we have oranges? Was that a hole puncher you were using this morning? What were you using it for? Why am I not sleeping? Am I too busy talking? Does my mouth have a mind of its own? If it did would its brain be in my tongue or my teeth? Or maybe a tendril came down from my brain and grew a second brain and it implanted in my cheek and is freaking my mouth out that’s why I can’t stop talking. Remember my penny from the other day? It was a nice penny, a forever penny, a lovely penny that doesn't wake up little girls like the fan. Can you turn off the fan? It keeps talking to me and waking me up. Like buses. Talking to me. Not waking me up. Buses don't wake me up. They do tell funny stories. Like my Moonbear. I wonder if Moonbear will visit me tonight. I'll have to be sleeping for that to happen. Maybe if I close my eyes my mouth will get the right idea. Goodnight, Mama."
"Goodnight, Alia."
8

I went to an allergist this week and got 2 prescriptions to help me survive the Fall - my doc said it's going to be a horrible allergy season here in Va/Md/DC.

9



Louise Hoy said:

Lol good one!

Okay, one of my most embarrassing things I have ever told my boys was the bizarre dreams I had when I was pregnant with them (they're 27 and 20)

Now, I maintain to this day that it was my raging hormones and not my fault but the bizarre dreams were also of an erotic nature....see I blame the hormones!

To my shame I dreamt about Patrick Stuart as captain Picard (blush) Cos my boys thought it was hilarious and for days they kept saying " engage" in a suggestive way, and finding dodgy pics online and emailing them to me at work etc.

So this had all died down and I thought they had forgotten all about it. One night recently when my fella stayed over, we were making our way to my room and feeling a bit frisky, having had a lovely evening. As we both stumbled to the bed without turning the light on, I could see someone or something in my bed by the light of the streetlamp outside. With my heart in my mouth I flicked on the light.......there in my bed was a blow up male doll with a Captain Picard face mask! Bloody boys!

Then I had to explain to Rob why I had a full size blow up doll in my bed! He still teases me about it 3 weeks or so on.

I love my boys to bits and as I've always said they certainly keep me laughing :)
10

OMG Louise that's hysterical - what fun boys you have !

Frances said:



Louise Hoy said:

Lol good one!

Okay, one of my most embarrassing things I have ever told my boys was the bizarre dreams I had when I was pregnant with them (they're 27 and 20)

Now, I maintain to this day that it was my raging hormones and not my fault but the bizarre dreams were also of an erotic nature....see I blame the hormones!

To my shame I dreamt about Patrick Stuart as captain Picard (blush) Cos my boys thought it was hilarious and for days they kept saying " engage" in a suggestive way, and finding dodgy pics online and emailing them to me at work etc.

So this had all died down and I thought they had forgotten all about it. One night recently when my fella stayed over, we were making our way to my room and feeling a bit frisky, having had a lovely evening. As we both stumbled to the bed without turning the light on, I could see someone or something in my bed by the light of the streetlamp outside. With my heart in my mouth I flicked on the light.......there in my bed was a blow up male doll with a Captain Picard face mask! Bloody boys!

Then I had to explain to Rob why I had a full size blow up doll in my bed! He still teases me about it 3 weeks or so on.

I love my boys to bits and as I've always said they certainly keep me laughing :)
11

Okay, I took a shower and came up with this. When I was a senior in college I shared a two bedroom apartment with my boyfriend. He was typically nude in the apartment, and would put on an apron to cook. He was a fantastic cook. So one day he was making a spicy stirfry, and went to take a bathroom break. All of a sudden he starts howling, and running water on his privates like a crazy.

Guess he forgot to wash his hands before going potty. I doubt he ever did that again.

12

hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stoney said:

Okay, I took a shower and came up with this. When I was a senior in college I shared a two bedroom apartment with my boyfriend. He was typically nude in the apartment, and would put on an apron to cook. He was a fantastic cook. So one day he was making a spicy stirfry, and went to take a bathroom break. All of a sudden he starts howling, and running water on his privates like a crazy.

Guess he forgot to wash his hands before going potty. I doubt he ever did that again.

13

Lol!!!



Stoney said:

Okay, I took a shower and came up with this. When I was a senior in college I shared a two bedroom apartment with my boyfriend. He was typically nude in the apartment, and would put on an apron to cook. He was a fantastic cook. So one day he was making a spicy stirfry, and went to take a bathroom break. All of a sudden he starts howling, and running water on his privates like a crazy.

Guess he forgot to wash his hands before going potty. I doubt he ever did that again.

14

Oh my, Francis! They are so full of themselves when they are little, aren’t they?!



Frances said:

Ok - here’s something. Not as funny as Grumpycat. My 22 -year old daughter who is away at college (same one as Rebel Mom), tells her friends and her friends parents that her Mom will talking to anyone, she’ll even talk to a plant !

When she was 5 she would tell strangers with a big smile on her face, in grocery stores, the hair salon, the doctors office anywhere, My Mommy is ___ years old !

15

Okay, I got a bad funny story. It was 20+ years ago and no one was injured in my stupidity. So don't panic lol. So here goes, once when I was about oh, 19ish me and my buddies were out partying. We walked off the beat n path into the woods drinking and swimming in an overflow pond. This was about midnight I guess. Someone yelled "i see headlights!!!!". So we all got out the water, dressed quick and disappeared up into the hills. We creeped our way to the highway area and sure enough there was a cop car sitting off the road running with the doors open. And just up the way 60 feet or so two cops were on foot shinning flashlights into the woods. Looking for us no doubt. SO, being the idiot I was at the age of 19 I tip toed down the hill jumped in the cruiser and was GONE!!! Man I ain't never seen two fat cops run so fast before. So I drove about 3 miles into town, turned on the overhead lights and left the cruiser parked at the post office and ran home like a scalded dog lol!

But that ain't even the funny part! 2 years later I graduated the Police Academy and worked as a reserve officer for the very same department!! I patrolled in the exact same police car (rural community, we only had one patrol car) That I had stolen two years prior!! I finally broke down and told the Chief one day that it was me who had stolen the cruiser two years ago. He laughed so hard I thought he was gonna pee his pants! :)

16

I’ve woken this morning to a wet Monday, I’m still stiff and sore so thought Id check out the funny stories before I get out of bed… :slight_smile:
You e put a smile on my face x

17

That's awesome Chris! Glad the chief got a kick out of it too.

18

This happened a few weeks ago on a night when I was actually sleeping and not tossing and turning. Earlier that day my oldest daughter and I were having a discussion about some tests that she had to take for school. That night we continued the discussion in my dreams. She opened her mouth to reply to a question I had asked and out came a blood curdling scream. My feet hit the floor running. My youngest daughter would say later that it was more like a "hopping shuffle." I ran into her bedroom and grabbed her by the shoulders, scaring my oldest awake. I heard the scream again and said to her,"Well, that's not coming from you." She just looked at me like I was crazy. That's when I realised it was the CAT! My husband and youngest daughter heard him, had gone to investigate when they witnessed my panicked attempt to save my oldest. I didn't know that I could still move that fast. Hopping shuffle, indeed.

The cat was fine. Something had wandered into his territory that he didn't want to be there. He literally threw a hissy fit. Needless to say sleep did not return and I was not amused.

19

Well this one isn't funny YET. My granddaughter has a bad habit of walking into a room or with a group of starting a conversation (which in her mind is speaking 500/min an involves everyone LISTENING to her) We have been working hard to teach her to looks for clues before starting and have a visual sign to stop when she misses. Saturday as we loading up to leave for grape picking she came rushing in where my wife and I were going throughlast minute instructions with the respite providers. She started to speak my wife gave her the not yet sign. Much to everyone's surprise she stopped and waited (rarely happens) Of course we all praised her profusley etc. etc. and finally my wife asked her what she wanted to say... "The toilet is flooding" We left late.

20

It'll be funny soon enough, Lamb!

We have two kids with Aspergers, one of whom has similar issues, and he's been given parameters as to what necessitates him MAKING us listen - pee, poop, blood, vomit, fire, and bears.