I was mean to the elderly today

General
1

My husband was reminding me that I hadn't left the house in twenty-four hours yesterday afternoon. So I made a point of going to Starbucks this morning for my addict -- uh, sustenance in liquid form.

I have a stick shift. I can't really drive an automatic. I've tried, but there's only two pedals. But my right wrist hurts like I smashed it repeatedly with a hammer, then stabbed it with an ice pick. So I shift with my left hand. Because the only thing that hurts on my left hand is the middle finger (an irony not lost on me). My feet hurt like I was tortured in a POW camp, the soles repeatedly beaten for several hours with a bamboo cane. My left knee is so swollen it's football-shaped. Every joint hurts a little: hip, ankle, shoulder, elbow -- and my psoriasis is so bad right now someone asked me if I had Karposi's sarcoma, a skin cancer most associated with HIV.

Other than that, I'm fine.

I get to my 2nd least favorite Starbucks, and park. I don't use the handicapped space, so that I actually get to stagger across the parking lot, which is what I call exercise in my world. I open the car door, take a deep breath, groan, and struggle out of a Volkswagen Beetle when I can't really grab with my hands and push with my legs.

So Nice Elderly Lady -- we're assuming she's nice, and we're assuming she's elderly, but she's got all-white hair and lots of wrinkles and she's wearing a baby blue cardigan -- has the following comment:

"You're too young to be moving like that." Say it in a tone that's a little all-knowing and patronizing.

My initial reaction, given that I'm chronically ill, terminally exhausted, frustrated by every conceivable bureaucracy and I'm really really reallllllly sick of explaining to people that I'm sick, is: F**K OFF, you stupid B**CH.

But I don't say this. I think this. Immediately. The words are forming in my mouth. But I don't say them. I try to remember she's an older lady, and I don't need to get all ghetto on her. Nope. I can be civil. Mostly.

So instead I give her a withering look, and say: "Yeah, you're right. I keep forgetting. People less than sixty-five don't get sick and die. My mistake." Say it in a patronizing manner. You'll get the idea.

Nice Elderly Lady is taken aback. She tries to recover. I'm staggering into Starbucks with my bad knee and POW camp feet, and she's trying to talk to me. I don't feel like answering her questions and I don't feel like being nice. I just don't. Maybe she thinks I'm hungover. Maybe she thinks I fell off my skateboard. Maybe she thinks I took too many pilates classes in too short a time. Maybe in her eyes, I look young and healthy. I'm in my mid-40s and I've always looked younger than my age. But I don't feel like explaining myself to a woman getting all up in my business when I just wanted a latte. And I don't need to present my temporarily nasty temperament as the face of psoriasis and PsA, because I'm just not going to be a good poster girl today.

Because what I finally say to her, while I'm standing in line at Starbucks is: "Give it a rest, lady. You don't know ANYTHING about my illness or what I have to endure." Say it in malevolent tones. You'll get the idea.

Then I was all chirpy and nice to the barista. Like flipping a switch.

I felt bad about it later. The social contract in a dense and highly-charged urban environment is that you mostly be nice to people who aren't (1) insane, sociopaths, or psychopaths, (2) trying to rip you off, or (3) over ten and under sixty years of age.

The grand irony, of course, is that, right there on the bulletin board at Starbucks, is the National Psoriasis Foundations' Walk to Cure Psoriasis event notification (May 18th in my neck of the woods). I probably missed a unique opportunity to enlighten a member of the public.

Except I mostly just wanted to back over this woman six or seven times until I felt better. So I got my latte and went home before I was at the point of no return.

This is like the time someone told me that all my ASD kid needed was a good spanking. Because physically whacking a child repeatedly on the behind is a known cure for autism.

P.S. - My husband is sick of hearing about my run-ins with such people, because I seem to be a magnet for them. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that tofu and witch hazel would cure my autoimmune disease, I wouldn't need the health insurance.

2

Oh ilika,

Sorry, but you have really made me laugh.........I'm glad I'm not the only one to loose my patience sometimes. But I probably would have been unable to stop the first comment that formed in your mind from making its escape!

Most of the time I can be perfectly reasonable, but often now, I just can't help but let some of the real world we live in eclipse someone's rosy image of what should be. Yes, we would love to be too young to move the way we have to, but life isn't all roses.

Enjoy you coffee, bless you x

3

I get the you're too young thing all of the time (I'm 41). My response varies from a friendly tone to an extra sarcastic one. Really? Well somebody should have told my body that!

I wish there was a simple answer to it.

4

I know it probably wasn’t meant to be unny, but it did make me laugh! Thank you. I also have to show this to my daughters, as they often laugh when I get up and my feet hurt and knees are stiff and I know I look like a person that just took a boot camp class at the local gym.

5

I'm so sorry you had to endure that treatment. People's ignorance is amazing.

6

I totally understand that you get angry and frustrated that people can't tell we are sick and some days have problems. Yesterday I had the travel day from hell. Flying from NC to ID. Airport at 6:30am, mechanical problems, flights changed, connnections missed, changed seats, standby - all in one day you guys get my drift. So when I landed in Minneapolis/St Paul (this would be my 4th flight I was heading to trying to get me to ID last night) and saw where my next gate was I just wanted to cry, my foot and back were killing me. So I asked the gate agent if she could call for a wheelchair or cart for me as I knew I would never make the connection if I had to walk that whole distance (30 minutes to make the flight) as I would have to stop and rest along the way. This very young apparently unhappy person snapped at me that I didn't appear to need assistance, that their assistance programs were for people who needed them, not someone who just didn't want to make the long walk and refused to help me. I simply got my phone out and asked her name as I was dialing a number. She asked what was I doing and I flipped my Delta card around and said I was calling for assistance as the gate attendant wouldn't help me and I wanted to be sure they had her name. She immediately called for wheelchair assistance and was apologizing all over herself. Silly girl, I wasn't calling Delta! There are certainly times being a frequent flyer with their sky card helps!

7

LOL!!!! You did very well, considering how you felt. My response is usually to press my lips into an even thinner line and stare past the person when I *just can't take one more thing*.

Most days, I do a little education, but some days I too would like to back over people a few times.

8

ilika you are not alone! I get around about how you described and I'm 30! OUCH! It finally got to the point my husband wont even let me go out in public alone. He went as far as working from home so he can take me where ever I need to be and keep me from going off on people who don't understand or just think its a mind game. He barely let me out of the house when I was on a high dose of Prednisone because that sensor in the back of your head that tells you not to say something had completely fried out.

9

Stupid people are all around, PsA may be a magnet for them at times but other times they just jump out of all four walls! I present the following episodes having little to none to do with PsA:

1) I was named Michael Ann by my parents. My mother baby sat for a Michael Ann in college and vowed to have one of her own. I spoke well as a child. People would ask me my name and I would respond Michael Ann. 9 times out of 10 the helpful adult would tell me, "Oh you mean Michelle". This continued into adulthood. I told a friend about it who laughed and said I exaggerated. She was in the elevator going to lunch with me one day. This is back in the day when nurses wore white stockings and upside down cupcake papers on their heads and their names across there chests on name tags. Mine said "Miss Michael Ann and my last name". A patient/visitor/family member got on and asked me my name. I said clearly Michael Ann and she said "oh you mean Michelle" I think my friend is still in the elevator going up and down with her mouth open.

2) I went to the DMV to pick up my handicapped tag. I asked the lovely DMV employee why mine was orange as I had only ever seen blue. This helpful DMV employee looked me in the eye and said clearly "because you are never going to get better." I think my mouth is still hanging open.

I maintain stupidity is an equal opportunity disease, similar to PsA. Some days I seek to educate in the sometimes misguided belief that all ignorance needs is a little education to keep it from slipping into stupidity. Sometimes I hurt and I am tired of trying to educate. So I growl. Lately I have stuck miserly to my good mood, refusing to let the trolls ruin my good day and smother them with kindness. I am not sure which works well but I know when I protect my good mood I feel better. That doesn't mean I won't growl tomorrow. It just means I am not growling today!

10

Michael- Re. your name, I met a lovely young woman recently who's name is Charly, and her sister's name is Frankie (short for Francesca) You have to think that people would believe that you could say your own name correctly. How silly!

11

I love it !



GrumpyCat said:

I also saw a cute t-shirt online. I’d love to get one, but it would get a little gross if I wore it every day. It said,
“My Immune System Attacks Itself, What Does Yours Do?” I could get one in every color?

12

I'm reading not about dealing with PsA. That's sad very sad. We are losing members at an alarming rate all for the same reason.

There is a lot that can be done for PsA. There is very little that can be for those who specialize in being victims. There are posters here that would consider selling their first born or donating a Kidney to be able to get to the point of having the S*** experiences being whined about. Being able to drive yourself for a cup of coffee? I hate to tell you how many here couldn't drive around the block.

Insensitve people? Pretending to have Cancer because you take a cancer drug at 1/1000 of the dose of a real cancer patient. That's real sensitive

This disease at its WORST isn't even high on the autoimmune scale as "bad". (look it up)

Once you get over being a victim, and being a victim at every turn, THEN you can get some improvement... Drama is where you find it, and one thing is for sure you will find it if you are looking for it. Its no coincidence the same people find it over and over. I don't understand why people can be so mean to them selves

13

You are right as always Lamb. I think we all needed a good b** session in this cold and windy Feb. We were not dealing well with PsA but it felt so good to let it rip for a moment. Now back to soldering on!

14

We just have to limit it.......... Its as easy to bring each other down as it is to bring each other up..... Hell I even found myself feeling sorry for me reading this.

15

I know you are right. It is good to find humor in it from time to time but not ok to wallow in self pity at all. Besides it doesn't get me out the door to swim....

16

OK, I think you said exactly what you should have said! I remember being part of a destination wedding in Mexico City and we were walking around the city looking around for a specific restaurant. We went 10-12 blocks before we realized our desired spot had been the other direction from our starting point--one half-block away. I was sucking it up, keeping pace, but in lots of pain, and said, "Well, that was a waste of energy". Some young hair-tosser chick in the party said, "oh, you should take more walks like that, it'll do you good!" This is before my knee replacements.

Next day, we were on an outing to the Teotihuacan architectural site and I declined to scale the highest pyramid. Same gum-chewing chick said, "oh, c'mon, put some effort into it".

I went ballistic. I said (I think) "You know nothing about me, you are judging me, you don't even take the time to introduce yourself and you need to shut the f**k up! Don't talk to me again during this trip. If you come near me, I will do something to you."

My girlfriend with me (my husband was off climbing the pyramid, happy as a clam) said, "She. Means. It. Broke a guy's nose once." (which is true, but it was an accident and I was 12 at the time)

No more problem. Hair-tossing Tina (made that name up) gave me a wide berth. She even left the wedding reception early, claiming headache.

I needed that confrontation. I needed to tell her to back off.

You're a rock star, stay that way.

17

You might find I'm not nearly as insensitive as you think. I take MTX but not for PsA and not in pills. I have a cancery look about me as well. ...... I cover all my head (because its cold out) and don't accentuate the bald. Yup everybody needs to vent. But the theme of this forum has become venting. That fine, but nearly a dozen members have left (including some regulars)

My story is elswhere, but offensive and insensitive is a member here telling another member but you don't understand, I've got PsA and........... (fill in the blank)

People do understand and have learned to change and adapt and try to share it here. Great you have had ten good days since October. What made them good? There are several who haven't had 10 good days in several years. There are a bunch more who are still going through the hoops for diagnoses and looking for their first treatment knowing it could be a year or more until they start to get any kind of relief. Maybe they have had too much predi. Are they going to here it from their doc who gave it therm or from insensensitive jerks who have been down that road and suggest they consider that. maybe they have had one to many confrontations. Are they better to try and learn a snappy comeback or hear from folks who have had the confrontations tried the snappy comebacks, cute slogans, "educating" etc and have figured out THAT doesn't work. I could go on. But don't expect "support" to be what you want to hear (always) You find ANYWHERE where I have suggested any part of this disease is anyones head.

I have been pretty blunt about saying that one should never allow the disease to get into ones head and control their lives actions and interactions. Your head should be in control ALWAYS when its not the disease wins.

We have a number of members who have left because they are finding more venting and less winning than they were hoping for.

While you are looking up bad find the number of PsA patients whos Autimmune diseases have morphed into anklyosiing spondylitis, MS, Lupus, Serious gut issue (Celiac Chrons etc), Congestive heart failure, diatbetes, Adrenal Shut Down etc. Have added to the list serious neurolgical disfunction and sever uncontrollable nerve pain. And then lets talk about those who have moved beyond inflammed painful joints to multiple surgerys replacing those joints stabilizing others huge spinal surgeries and ask ANY of them if they wouldn't like to go back to inflammed joints and pain.

I singled nobody out (till now). The greatest offense is to take offense when none was intended.

18

Perhaps they are But I wouldn't be still corresponding with them, would I? I hope you feel better now. You said, "The problem I am asserting, again and again, is that people outside of our pain and exhaustion sphere DON'T get that we are in a bad way, that it's NOT in our heads, that something IS WRONG even if it doesn't look wrong, that we AREN'T lazy, just disabled -- and then a fellow sufferer comes along and tells us to quit whining."

In case you missed it, yes that is a problem, not the first time it has been mentioned. And I will repeat it again thinking anything you can do or say will change it even a bit. You can let it ruin your day or not. I think the thing you said, "My husband is sick of hearing about my run-ins with such people, because I seem to be a magnet for them." should be a flag. Few have that problem, maybe avoiding it is a more logical strategy. Moast of us go through life with few run ins.

As far as the personal attacks, enjoy your flame wars.

19

Lamb, are we to be more concerned about people who leave the goup, than people who are currently here? I would not be surprised if some of your harsh posts have motivated people to leave. I know I've felt like it, but have stayed because of the other wonderfully supportive people here. I don't feel judged by anyone else on this group. But Lamb, your posts really take the cake criticizing others feelings and behaviors.

If someone is posting about something, it is valid FOR THEM. Saying it is not the "right" way to think or behave is supremely unhelpful and very hurtful. I was utterly SHOCKED by your response to Ilika's post. It was rude, judgemental, critical, and dismissive.

20

I really don't think Ilika needs a re-education and public "What I Should Have Done Differently" post like she's in elementary school. SHEESH!

Robert said:

Hey,

Maybe we All can be a little more aware of the things we say or use as examples. For instance; refering to a POW may be a good way to describe your pain. However, it may also seriously effect a person who actually was or knew a POW. The same for cancer patients whom wish all they had was Psa.

Anger toward someone who hasn't a clue, regardless of the situation is just an uneducated response. There is always a better choice.

I suggest Ilika starts a new post about what happened at Starbucks. Titled: what should I do next time. Decription: Sometimes I have a hard time controling my temper when I am in pain and clueless people are relentless.