My family (daughter and husband) are notorious throughout all of my friends for being harsh, unhelpful, inconsiderate and worse.) has notified me that it is my fault for ruining my daughers life by preventing her from getting a job right before my shoulder replacement. My surgery is Sept 17....My husband was yelling at me for ruining her life...when all I'm asking is a couple of weeks when I first get home. I was told by my husband that my request is "selfish"....My daughter has been unemployed all her life. (she is 21) Do you REALLY think waiting a couple of weeks is going to ruin her life or make any difference at all??
My husband has already told me not to look to him for any help. And yes, he really means it. I've already postponed the surgery for two years because I'm scared to not have any help. I can't postpone it any longer. it is excruciating and I cannot move my arm hardly at all.
My only hope is homecare. but that will just provide a couple of hours ..It's so hard to keep myself from hating them. They are both selfish....my daughter will at least ACT like she loves me.....until it comes time to help me with anything. Then it's a whole different story.
I am so sorry Qadosh2him, I can feel your pain. My husband and son are very supportive though at times I have had twinges of wondering where the hell their head is at while we navigate life with my PsA. I certainly sympathize if not empathize.
My husband and I have danced a little around house cleaning. He really believes he does not create dirt. HAH. What I found worked (quite by accident) was my decision to hire a house cleaner. It never happened due to applicants not showing or callling or too busy. But my darling husband asked where he could help. I asked him to take the floors off my plate. He has taken responsability for it and I have learned to wear blinders when it is not as clean as i would like. He will get to them at least weekly. I also spent some money at Wallmart and Bed and Bath buying handy cleaning aids at least making cleaning more fun. He also does a lot of dishes. I have set aside an hour or two a day to keep everything from at least not being a health risk. I know eventually I will need more help but for now, with Remicade, I am doing ok.
So my suggestion would be hire as much help as you can. Your insurance may at least pay part of it. Release your husband and daughter from any demands, sounds like they will just resent it at this point anyway. Hire somebody you like and trust. When your family sees you getting good help and enjoying someone besides them they may come around. if not wait until they get the bill!
You are in my heart and prayers. Get your surgery and be good to you.
I really don't see how you can keep yourself from hating your husband. Now your daughter is a child and doesn't understand so I wouldn't take it out of her but, your husband, he married you to support you and what kind of marriage is this if your husband talks to you this way?? I worry about you. You don't want to have extra stress on top of PsA. Is this really what you want to live with for the rest of your life? I really think you should deeply consider your husband's actions and perhaps go to marriage counseling to talk about this. It is a very difficult time of your life and you need support. How are you going to heal by yourself. It is his JOB to take care of you through sickness.
I agree with MicChael. Hire out. When I was really locked up, I found a lady at church who would come over and help with laundry and lite house keeping. I was not only helping her, she needed a job until something permanent came up, but it helped me and my family.
I agree with SublimeAmiga,except that your daughter is not a child,she is 21, old enough to understand that your going to have major surgery. I’m not sure how you can deal with this behavior,this is so bad for your health. Hugs to you
At least your Christmas shopping will be easier this year. :-) (The old naughty or nice thing)
First of all the surgery. A couple hours of home care is plenty IF you plan. Stay on the couch or in a recliner (you will want to anyway) MUCH easier to get up and down. For the first few days at home NEVER miss a pain Pill. have all your meds and a bottler of water in a bag near where ever you are going to be. You don't want to be getting up and down and miss a dose because you don't feel like it. Wear a night gown and go commando. Its awfully hard to get pants down with one hand let alone in a hurry (planning) have home health help with showers laying out YOUR meals (you won't feel much like eating anyway)and dressing. You actually will be up and around pretty quickly.
Here comes one of those opinions I shouldn't give, but if getting a job would get your daughter out of your home and out of your hair I wouldn't risk ruining her life. I'd do everything I could to encourage her including throwing her butt out in the morning. She sounds as if she needs some encouragement (and a trip to the wood shed)
I'd be a lot more scared of being trapped in what appears to be an abusive situation than worrying about help from people who obviously don't value you. As far friends, you need some new ones, and fortunately you already have some.If you want to PM me with some contact information ( first name and phone, I will pass it on to one of the great ladies on our mod board who can provide some more specific help. If nothing else just REALLY talking to a real person can help. We have some members living near you actually)
I'm great in a woodshed but you need some real help, well make sure you get it if you want it. I hope I'm not misreading this. (Or maybe I hope I am I can't imagine a child or spouse as you describe)
You guys are right, her daughter is 21 and that is definitely an adult. I guess I was thinking more or less her mind is still childish and she needs to grow up!! I hope you can teach your daughter with TOUGH LOVE and that she ends up nothing like her father.
Oh one other think about the surgery Q (been there BTW with major shoulder surgery) Watch your diet (hope no one takes that out of context. Drink lots and take fiber You can get bound up so quickly with meds, pain meds and laying back, you won't believe it. And trust me unless things ar moving smoothly, there is potential for even more misery. The last thing you want to have to do is blast. (laxitives)
I agree with tntlamb. If you can afford someone then get someone in. If you can't then you could ask a friend to stop by and help for a few minutes in the morning. If you have the things you are gonna need during the day close at hand then do what I did. Cover the recliner with a sheet (makes it more comfortable) and stay there 24/7 til you feel well enough to get around. I have had to do this. Make sure they leave the tv remote close.
I have three kids that are now grown and gone, but getting them gone was a tough thing. They left, came back, left again...etc..One of my older neighbors gave me a lecture about touch love. Sometimes kicking them out is the best thing for them.
Of course only you know your situation. Sorry you have such an insensitive family. Mine has been pretty supportive at least until lately. My mom said she felt sorry for my teenage son cause I made him pack and carry for me. He heard her and now feels like I'm treating him like a slave and refuses to do anything for me. I'm hoping his "poor me" attitude will pass soon. I have tried not to ask for more help than I absolutely needed.
Children often learn how to treat people by watching their parents. Your husband sounds like he’s taught your daughter how NOT to show respect. I left an abusive marriage it was the best move I’ve ever made, and counselling gave me the strength to do it. BUT, this was before diagnosis, before this disease knocked me on my behind. You are in a hard position, and as no one seems to want to focus on your needs you will have to forget their needs and focus on your own. Your daughter is not a child any longer and wont suffer if you focus on yourself…you deserve to be helped and looked after. Get what help you need in if that’s an option open to you. Look as who in your friends can be your support group post op. Lets face it, its often hard to ask for help especially if you’re not used to getting any, but in my experience true friends rally round if only you’d ask.
Good luck x
For several years I was blessed by a lady from my church who does cleaning for a living and she took me on as a project and cleaned our house twice a month for a pittance. Now that she's gone, my daughter said she wants the job. While it SEEMS like a good job I can see it leading to a lot of fights because she is the world's worst procrastinator and I can just see her not being responsible like I really need her to be.
And yes, my husband all but gave lessons on how to abuse your mother. He forbid me to use the toolshed in any way....And the result is a very spoiled girl. I love her with all my heart but am terrified when I think of her future. She really needs to grow up NOW.
I've thought of leaving a million times. I tell my self that I need too much help to do that. (but really what help do I get here??) The problem really is where to live. I pay all my own bills out of my disability check...but he pays for the roof over our heads.
Thank you all for the support. I was feeling homicidal...and very sad. I'm feeling a bit better. thanks again for listening
Oh one other think about the surgery Q (been there BTW with major shoulder surgery) Watch your diet (hope no one takes that out of context. Drink lots and take fiber You can get bound up so quickly with meds, pain meds and laying back, you won't believe it. And trust me unless things ar moving smoothly, there is potential for even more misery. The last thing you want to have to do is blast. (laxitives)
THanks for this advice. Because I take a hefty dose of morphine twice a day , this is ALWAYS an issue. Ive found the very best solution is two large glasses of prune juice a day. It really keeps things moving with out the "blast"
My son is a procrastinator too, but when I’m at work and he’s not working his job is to do the hoovering, empty the bins and generally make sure the place it tidy when I get home ( often I’m only fit to get on the sofa and stay there post work). When I’ve been off work because I’ve been signed off sick he still helps out.
He has ADD so often is zoned out and unable to focus but we work round that.
We have an agreement, we sat down and worked out a sort of contract…He would do XYand Z, and I would pay him on as Friday night…I never shouted, threatened, but I never paid either if the work wasn’t done…and no payment in advance! It was made very clear to both of us that this arrangement was only for when he wasn’t working, so it didn’t interfere with his chances of working.
You never know your daughter may surprise you…give her the chance to start growing up
They have some folks who will give information, and help you work through all the decisions they also have connections for housing should you need it. Your SSDI qualifies you for subsidized housing. You need not feel trapped. I'm not suggesting what you do just that there ARE resources. At least talk to them abuse takes all kinds of forms. It could be in a very strange way that your family thinks they are being supportive by being tough..........
Thanks I dealt with Safe Haven at one point..I'd left and they were of moderate help. They didn't have housing available at the time but put us up in a motel until they got my husband out of the house. But in the end I went back. I believed he really would change. Hah.
They have some folks who will give information, and help you work through all the decisions they also have connections for housing should you need it. Your SSDI qualifies you for subsidized housing. You need not feel trapped. I'm not suggesting what you do just that there ARE resources. At least talk to them abuse takes all kinds of forms. It could be in a very strange way that your family thinks they are being supportive by being tough..........
My father hit my mother until I was 7 years old. Do it now while you know it and don't be scared. My mother was scared of him and scared to be on her own too. She had no where to go and no one would help her. I have seen a lot of things as a child and I wish that upon no one. Although your daughter is 21, she is going to need counseling and it wouldn't hurt for you to go. It is going to a long road but, worth it! When you are finally free your mind, body, and soul will FEEL so much better. Do what is best for you and be happy.
Sometimes it is time to come, sometimes to go. Make sure you get some counseling. It really helped me in getting through my divorce and re-finding me. Be good to yourself. We are here to listen <3
Qadosh2him, I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to write your original post. It took a lot of strength and courage to come forward and admit that there are some major problems with your home life and family, that is a huge step to take but a very important first step. Managing your PsA and an upcoming surgery is difficult enough even with a supportive family around you, but when you have to manage this and also a dysfunctional family makes a bad situation that much the worse. No one deserves to be treated the way you are, no one should feel so alone with their family and no one deserves to be emotionally abused. Writing your post showed you have an inner strength, a strength that perhaps you didn't realize you have, but girl you got it! Now to continue with it, accept any help that is given to you, that is the most important thing. Tntlamb offered you some help, please take him up on it. This community is wonderful for emotional and educational support, but you also need some physical support. Its obvious that your family is not going to give you any support of any kind so its up to you to make that happen for yourself, make the calls, talk to who you need to talk to, just get it done, YOU CAN DO IT. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Sending you lots of gentle hugs, thoughts and prayers.
