I'm so sorry. Can you hire a nurse aid to help. I've done that when my Mother has had long recuperating periods and I don't have enough leave. Can you get your insurance to pay for a rehab facility for your recuperating period. Perhaps if your doctor orders it? Just some thoughts.
We are all here for you,
Frances
Q I am too far away to help in person but you are more than welcome to contact me via email (pm?) and I can listen if you need. While I have a wonderful husband I am a nurse and as such have been involved in one too many abusive situations that have resulted in people needing intensive care. I am in no way saying I am a qualified counsellor but I have PSa, I have experience with major surgery and I can just listen if you need. Anytime, day or night. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I am planning on trying to get into a subacute place that I've been to three times following surgeries. The people there are wonderful and while they work you hard they do not do it for12 hours a day like they do in rehab. I don't think rehab would be appropriate for me....I don't have that much strength right now.
Then when I get home i will most likely have an aide for a oouple of hours, probably three times a week as well as a PT /OT person. So I will not completely be on my own ...If I get bathed and my clothes changed three times a week I guess I can stay in my clothes until the aide comes again. I plan to make chili and soup and freeze them in individual bags...And it's possible that my church will supply some meals to me when I get home.
So it's not like I am completely bereft.
Frances said:
I'm so sorry. Can you hire a nurse aid to help. I've done that when my Mother has had long recuperating periods and I don't have enough leave. Can you get your insurance to pay for a rehab facility for your recuperating period. Perhaps if your doctor orders it? Just some thoughts.
We are all here for you,
Frances
You poor thing, it sounds awful. My man is really supportive but he works a lot of hours like I do and neither of us feel like doing housework all weekend. So my partner organised a cleaner for just once a fortnight, which has been amazing. It doesn’t sound like much, but just to have someone to clean the ceilings fans and skirting boards, vacuum and mop and clean the showers and toilets once every 14 days is an enormous help for me. We only have a 3 bedroom house, and she only comes for 2 hours (she is a young fast girl, with an eye for detail). So if my back is sore one week, I just leave the hard work for her. As lamb said, if you plan it well, a lot can be done in 2 hrs!! 
good luck xox
Thank you Judy for your kind words and support. There is lot to complicate my situation. For one thing if I had to go on Medicaid I would no longer be able to see some of my doctors as they do not accept it. Also it would not pay for a lot of the medicines I need to take. Also I have another diagnosis that enormously complicates my decision. I need help with managing the other disease and it makes it extremely difficult to be alone. Also even with PsA I often have to ask for help from my daughter...help with dressing, cooking....granted she does not do too much to help in the kitchen but for various other needs, she is there and will help.
My husband has never hit me --although I see the temptation to do so in his clenched hand--I'm not the easiest person to live with all the time. But I do know I should be treated better...I just don't see that happening. If I left I would be alone and as the housing for people with disabilities is in either another state or 45 minutes from my current home....which would mean since I cannot drive, it would mean giving up my church family ---and they ARE my family and they help me immensely...they drive me to doctors, visit me in the hospital...bring meals when I'm recovering....If I had to give that up it would break my heart and it would make me immensely lonely. I've thought this over a million times....If I move, I have a lot to give up. If I stay ...I am emotionally alone...
My husband recently had 5 stents place in his heart arteries. He is still suffering pain and for a while was compliant with his diet. But lately he has stopped complying and says he plans on a heart attack...and will continue to eat crap until he does .....During one of his rages, I fully expect him to hit the floor and I will have to call 911. I'm not saying that I'm waiting for him to die....just that I think that's what will happen.
Easternlady said:
Qadosh2him, I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to write your original post. It took a lot of strength and courage to come forward and admit that there are some major problems with your home life and family, that is a huge step to take but a very important first step. Managing your PsA and an upcoming surgery is difficult enough even with a supportive family around you, but when you have to manage this and also a dysfunctional family makes a bad situation that much the worse. No one deserves to be treated the way you are, no one should feel so alone with their family and no one deserves to be emotionally abused. Writing your post showed you have an inner strength, a strength that perhaps you didn't realize you have, but girl you got it! Now to continue with it, accept any help that is given to you, that is the most important thing. Tntlamb offered you some help, please take him up on it. This community is wonderful for emotional and educational support, but you also need some physical support. Its obvious that your family is not going to give you any support of any kind so its up to you to make that happen for yourself, make the calls, talk to who you need to talk to, just get it done, YOU CAN DO IT. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Sending you lots of gentle hugs, thoughts and prayers.
Take care of yourself
Judy
What a difficult place to be in, Q. It sounds like you have a plan for immediately after surgery and could possibly reach out to your church community to have visitors come every day to help with basics? Long term, you need to figure out what's best for you. Amazing things can happen if you just reach out for help. I'm currently doing (free) emergency childcare for a mom who fled from an abusive relationship in another state, moved in with her sister, and found a job but couldn't afford to pay for childcare for her son so she could go to work. I was glad to help, even though I'd never met her (I was referred to her by a friend).
That is wonderful to hear of what you are doing People do help me. I can no longer drive so need transport to MD appointments that are not on Monday or Friday (the days when the bus goes to New York where all my doctors are.) My dad does help with some of that driving. I was considering asking the church for post surgical help. Probably other than just a visit providing meals is the most useful thing.
I'm sorry to hear this. I really don't understand your husbands reaction. The thought of a spouse not helping or understanding just doesn't make sense. You need help for sure, do you have a friend or other family member that can help you part of the time? Not all of us have the funds to hire help, that's for sure.
It is important for your daughter to work but they need to help out at home too. Maybe your daughter having a job will instill more responsibility and make her more helpful to you. Life lessons are very valuable, we all know that. My son works and it was certainly a task to get him to help but once he realized how many things I couldn't do anymore he's been a lot better with helping out most things. It's just the two of us so I depend on him to do certain things for me.
I'd be pretty angry too if my child refused to help me and I'd be even more hurt if my husband said those things to me.
hi Dini, my husband is a master at twisting things to look like it's my fault and once you hear that for so many years you begin to believe it.
When I got my diagnosis the doctor immediately put me on methopred, humira, MTX and a NSAID...when my husband heard what the doctor wanted me to take he told me, "You are so keen on getting your system clean and healthy...why would you want to take these toxic medicines..."? Why would you be a vegan and then take stuff like that?"g Those were magical words for me...He knew right where to hit me. And so I went off all meds and didn't go back to a rhuemy until I literally couldn't walk. So I missed those magical early day of diagnosis when we MOST need aggressive medicines to moderate how hard the disease will hit us. Now I"m paying the price of being stupid enough to believe my husband instead of going online and researching it.
I hope my daughter gets a job and I hope she can find some kindness in her heart toward me to help me when I'm out for the count. Thanks for your kind words.
Dini said:
I'm sorry to hear this. I really don't understand your husbands reaction. The thought of a spouse not helping or understanding just doesn't make sense. You need help for sure, do you have a friend or other family member that can help you part of the time? Not all of us have the funds to hire help, that's for sure.
It is important for your daughter to work but they need to help out at home too. Maybe your daughter having a job will instill more responsibility and make her more helpful to you. Life lessons are very valuable, we all know that. My son works and it was certainly a task to get him to help but once he realized how many things I couldn't do anymore he's been a lot better with helping out most things. It's just the two of us so I depend on him to do certain things for me.
I'd be pretty angry too if my child refused to help me and I'd be even more hurt if my husband said those things to me.
The thing about abusive husbands is that they don’t die. They’re like cockroaches. I waited years for mine to kick the can. Sorry bastard is still around. He even lived though a massive MI and quadruple bypass surgery. He’s a whale. I expected him to croak. He’s still kicking, but he’s no longer my problem.
Quadosh2him, I believe you should ask your daughter to take her job, She will resent you for a long time if you dont. Believe me I have a SELFISH daughter myself. My late husband passed and my new husband of 2 yrs, been together 3 yrs, helps me loads, but my daughter wouldnt come across town to help at all!!!! She thinks she is the important one and I should always help her. BUT, with that said, maybe ask her if she would help pay for outside help to come in maybe on a part time basis to get you thru the first two weeks. If she can go to work and live at home then she should help and make hubby pay the other 1/2. Then perhaps you can all be happy :). Just a thought.
LOL I know this is no laughing matter, but Grumpy you have just made me choke on my morning coffee with mirth! Your right they just don’t die to suit us…My abusive husband had sleep apnoea and for years Id heard him stop breathing every night…but after 15 seconds or so I just couldn’t take it any more and used to nudge him so he’d take a breath. Then be angry with myself lol But I always kept in mind he is my kids father after all…I didn’t really want him dead just gone.
GrumpyCat said:
The thing about abusive husbands is that they don’t die. They’re like cockroaches. I waited years for mine to kick the can. Sorry bastard is still around. He even lived though a massive MI and quadruple bypass surgery. He’s a whale. I expected him to croak. He’s still kicking, but he’s no longer my problem.
I have already told my daughter to go ahead and find the job. God will have to work out the timing of that happening. But I already know: a resentful unhappy worker will not get anything done.
I "love" how she will say to me "Are you okay? I wish I could help you" ---I if I suggest she do something about the pile of dishes in the sink she will say "Anything but the dishes." when it's the dishes I need to get done and the daggone things hurt my hands terribly when i try to do them. She hates doing them but I need help with them...Maybe if I get her here own dishgloves...she will be more willing..
GRUMPY---Louise is right. I was glad I'd finished my coffee because it's certain that I would have spit a mouthful of it when I read your "cockroach" comment! If I stepped on his really hard do you think he'd crunch?;'
Quadosh2him, I believe you should ask your daughter to take her job, She will resent you for a long time if you dont. Believe me I have a SELFISH daughter myself. My late husband passed and my new husband of 2 yrs, been together 3 yrs, helps me loads, but my daughter wouldnt come across town to help at all!!!! She thinks she is the important one and I should always help her. BUT, with that said, maybe ask her if she would help pay for outside help to come in maybe on a part time basis to get you thru the first two weeks. If she can go to work and live at home then she should help and make hubby pay the other 1/2. Then perhaps you can all be happy :). Just a thought.
;-D
Qadosh2him said:
I have already told my daughter to go ahead and find the job. God will have to work out the timing of that happening. But I already know: a resentful unhappy worker will not get anything done.
I “love” how she will say to me “Are you okay? I wish I could help you” —I if I suggest she do something about the pile of dishes in the sink she will say “Anything but the dishes.” when it’s the dishes I need to get done and the daggone things hurt my hands terribly when i try to do them. She hates doing them but I need help with them…Maybe if I get her here own dishgloves…she will be more willing…
GRUMPY—Louise is right. I was glad I’d finished my coffee because it’s certain that I would have spit a mouthful of it when I read your “cockroach” comment! If I stepped on his really hard do you think he’d crunch?;'
Quadosh2him, I believe you should ask your daughter to take her job, She will resent you for a long time if you dont. Believe me I have a SELFISH daughter myself. My late husband passed and my new husband of 2 yrs, been together 3 yrs, helps me loads, but my daughter wouldnt come across town to help at all!!! She thinks she is the important one and I should always help her. BUT, with that said, maybe ask her if she would help pay for outside help to come in maybe on a part time basis to get you thru the first two weeks. If she can go to work and live at home then she should help and make hubby pay the other 1/2. Then perhaps you can all be happy :). Just a thought.
Qadosh2him-
When I read how you reacted to your husband's comments it reminded me of so many women and families I have worked with who struggle with co-dependence. If you or anyone in your family lineage has ever faced addiction or addictive behavior there could be a thematic emotional problem which can be the cause of the whole family being emotinally ill.
You mentioned your spouse commented on your choice to take meds and that you were a vegan and that your response was to stop taking meds. I hope this does not come off as harsh, but it seems it was actually your decision to stop meds, not his and since you made that choice the consequences are yours to own.
There are a number of good authors and one very well-known 12 step group that may be useful for you to help understand your role and how to detach from your spouse and adult daughter so their opinions and behaviors don't hurt so much and hopefully not at all over time. Feel free to message me if you would like a referral or two :)
Meanwhile, I hope your church people can lend you the help and support your need to recover from your surgery.
When I got my diagnosis the doctor immediately put me on methopred, humira, MTX and a NSAID...when my husband heard what the doctor wanted me to take he told me, "You are so keen on getting your system clean and healthy...why would you want to take these toxic medicines..."? Why would you be a vegan and then take stuff like that?"g Those were magical words for me...He knew right where to hit me. And so I went off all meds and didn't go back to a rhuemy until I literally couldn't walk. So I missed those magical early day of diagnosis when we MOST need aggressive medicines to moderate how hard the disease will hit us. Now I"m paying the price of being stupid enough to believe my husband instead of going online and researching it.
I hope my daughter gets a job and I hope she can find some kindness in her heart toward me to help me when I'm out for the count. Thanks for your kind words.