So, I am single (ish). I feel that because of the PsA I am not eligible to participate in (well everything, including) relationships. How does this work??? Not only can I not be certian that I would be awake at the usual dating times, but if the date asked me to go for a walk on the beach I would have to reply, 'I can give you 100 meters, and then you will have too piggy back me'. Or when a date asks, 'so what kind of things do you do in your spare time?', I would reply, 'Sleep, maybe watch tv while attached to the TENS machine, before going to sleep. Sorry what was your name again? I seem to have disconnected the cable that links my brain to my mouth'. When do you you tell a potential mate (not that I even have a potential mate, despite the cute tradie I want to flirt with at work)? What do you tell them? I can't pretend like there is nothing wrong as I limp all the time. And even if I didn't don't they have a right to know? Have any of you traversed this territory and have some wisdom to share? Oh and bonking. Sorry if this is offensive to some. Please just disregard. But how does that work with the potential partner? I have inflammation in my SI joints so bonking anyone other than myself is not what it once was. If I look at the list of things I bring to the table in a relationship vs the list of complications I bring it is very much slanted in the direction of complications. I mean I am not being negative. I have a good sense of humour. I am smart, loving, compassionate etc but I'm probably not going to go horse riding, bush walking, dancing etc, etc. Where does that leave me? Luckily I am really happy single and living on my own. but I don't want to not have the choice to have a relationship. ATM I can't even meet someone as it is hard to do this from your bed, but you know what I mean..........................
Oh, Shel, of course you want the choice to have a relationship if you want one.
You've clearly thought a lot about this and drawn up a balance sheet that does take your complications into reasonable consideration. But I don't see as negative a picture as you are deriving from this. You are obviously extremely intelligent, funny, kind and I think you would be a lot of fun to be with a lot of the time. You describe yourself as compassionate, and that counts for so much in a relationship. I know so many people who are in unhappy relationships with people who are not loving, kind, compassionate and good to laugh with, and I think they would trade the relationship they have for what you have to give in a second, if they got the chance to know you. A person with a good heart (you) is not that easy to find.
Yes, be honest about your disease. A potential partner will take their cue from you, and if having PsA is something you accept and deal with as a normal part of your life, you can teach them how to look at it that way, too. By being honest, I don't mean that you need to launch into a full-blown description of every problem or possible problem or difficulty in your life right off. I wouldn't. I'd just try to have some fun together and see where it goes. When a relationship starts feeling like it might get serious, or is serious - that's the time for the more in-depth discussion.
I think it might not be a bad idea to go ahead and flirt with the "cute tradie" at work. Sounds like you might possibly need some flirting practice, and while you know the "tradie" at work is attractive to you, undoubtedly there are a lot of things you don't know about him/her, and you could well be the one to decide: I don't want to have a relationship with this person. He/she is boring...or whatever.
I have the best marriage of anyone I know, but in our decades together, my husband and I have never gone horseback riding or dancing. We have other mutual interests that we have a great time with, like cooking and watching good movies.
I have a friend with MS who fell in love with a wonderful guy who fell right back in love with her. They are a great team, and they have weathered her flares together, and, I think, are both better people for learning how to give and accept support.
Sorry about the inflammation in your SI joints. Ouch. I don't know if your SI joints are always painful, and if intercourse is sometimes possible and pleasant for you. However, being the intelligent and creative person that you are, I'm sure that you know that there are other ways that people can give each other ecstatic sexual pleasure without having intercourse. And since I don't know your body, there may be positions in which you can have really pleasurable intercourse besides the "missionary position." It's the kind of thing that could be a lot of fun to figure out with the right person.
I wish you the best of luck with this and will send good thoughts your way.
My husband and I are not the traditional husband and wife. When I was young and described 'the perfect man' to people, I, like so many others, wanted someone who had a great job, cared about me, was physically taller than me (I am 5'9"), preferred blonde hair and blue eyes. Well, I met the man I described and I was very wrong about him. Instead, I met a shorter guy, with brown hair, brown eyes, makes less money than me, slight learning disability, leftsided weakness, epileptic, Cerebral Paulsey and the most amazing insight to my soul. Twelve years ago we met and have been together ever since. We were upfront with each other about everything from the start and still fell in love.
Don't give up, hang in there and the right person will come along. I know everyone says it, but I am living it. Keep your heart open and the right person will come along. Be honest with them and don't hide who you are or what you are enduring - my hubby is an inspiration to me everyday and reminds me that he has been through so much and has been dealing with living this way all his life, I have had the chance to do things he never got to even try and I am very lucky to have that opportunity. He puts my life in perspective and I love him.
If I were seeking a mate I'd simply be myself in all my disabled glory. Eighteen years ago, my husband met a woman who had severe psychological and emotional issues, asthma so bad she would pass out and once went into respiratory arrest, an eating disorder, knee problems, psoriasis, and scars from both abuse and self-mutilation. Sixteen years ago he married her.... me. He fell in love with me in spite of my issues. He fell in love with me for ME. He loves me as much now as he did then ... after emotional healing, going from a size 8 to a size 24 (and up and down and back up again), and with more and more health problems along the way.
All good advice. There are some beautiful people in the world. It would seem that some of them are members here as well. Thank you for your positivity xox
And you know that you are one of the beautiful people who make the world a better place. Hugs.
Hi Shel
Well one thing's for sure - you have a great sense of humour and that can go a long way in a relationship once the honeymoon period is over!
I'm married and didn't have PsA when we met. I won't lie - it's been very hard and I'm not sure if my husband knew how hard it would be whether he would have married me. I don't think it is because he has to help me with things I can no longer do. Rather, it is how PsA has affected my personality. I don't do chronic illness very well. I don't do pain well. I know there are people out there who can push through the pain, exhaustion, side effects of meds, and just get on with it, try to do their bit, and keep a positive attitude.
Unfortunately that's not me. I am getting better though. For a long time I refused to even believe I had PsA despite hardly being able to walk, and it took me one full year living like that before I gave in and agreed to try Methotrexate. I don't even want to begin talking about the strain it put on my marriage!
If you can keep your humour, take responsibility for managing your treatment, and keep looking forward, I don't think your illness will be a hindrance to a good relationship. Definitely have a flirt with the cute guy at work and as for sex, I'm sure a bit of creativity and letting yourself be in the moment will sort out any problems :-)
I know the feeling you are having, when I was in the middle of a really bad break out and flare up I met a guy who I Telly liked and I held my distance because I was 18 yet had the joints of an 80 year old also my psoriasis was so bad that I was losing hair due to it. Yet that didn’t seem to matter to him when I finally let him into my life and told him of my probablem sand my fears of letting him in he told me that all that didn’t matter to him that we could not do the normal out doors stuff. It may be hard to let someone know all your problems but if they are not willing to take you as you are then they rant worth your time anyways. We have been together 3 years thur the good and bad days. Just wanted to let you know there are guys out there that understand just be patent 