Lost touch with friends

General Support
1

The hardest thing that has happened to me since my dx in 2012 has been my "friends" disappearing. I use to have friends that would call for lunch, coffee or to just say "hello". When I pick up the phone to call them, there is always an excuse into why they cannot talk or get together. One even had the nerve to tell me that seeing me reminded them on how fragile ones health is and they want to be surrounded by people who are healthy.

There are times I just pick up my phone to see if it is still working.

Don't get me wrong, I am involved in a book club, church and support my children's events. It is just now I am an outsider looking in .

This is when I knew I had a chronic illness and how much your life can change.

2

Not to be harsh, but this is also the point where we learn on of life's big lessons. Friends are rare - very rare. What we do have in life a lot of is social acquaintances. We go through phases where the come and go. Its pretty easy when they "go" to blame ourselves or circumstances.

Now I know you southerners are far more polite than us westerners but we do don't do any of this "bless their hearts" crappola out here. The one who told you "they want to be surrounded by people who are healthy." is what we call out here "14 carat" meaning mostly phony but still total "bitch" Be glad she is out of your life. Imagine the gossip she has spread about you. Screw 'em all of 'em

You are not an outsider looking in People with chronic illness have learned the value of life and relationships and have slowly learned the social world while a lot of fun, is utter and total BS. They honestly begin to seperate themselves from the phony world and move into the real world. If we get through life with our partner being our best friend and are fortunate enough to have one or two REAL friends, we are indeed fortunate. We develop new "friendships" in time that are a lot more valuable than what we have left behind.

3

Rebel mom, it's sad but true. Chronic illness does change the way your social life works (or doesn't work). I've cried many tears myself over this one. Real friends are few and far between, as tnt says, and you are getting know who yours are. And then there are the other ones, that come and go.

Being limited in where I can go and what I can do has narrowed my horizons considerably. But most of that happened in the ten years before I was diagnosed, because I was tired and depressed and I couldn't drag my sorry butt out of the house. At least I know now why that happened. I am left with a few good friends who I can reach out and hug, and then there are the many wonderful people who I've met here, and with whom I share the challenges of life.

I'm glad you're here, RM.

4

Rebel mom, I am so sorry you are feeling hurt by the thoughtless and selfish actions and comments of people you valued as friends.

I think I began to be taught about friendship at an early age, my mother wrote in my autograph book: "If you have a friend keep her so, don't let that friend your secrets know. For if that friend should turn a foe, the whole world then your secrets will know." I think this is what tntlamb is saying too.

She's not here to ask, but my best guess is this was advice based on her own experience and I've certainly grown up to value a small few truly amazing friends, as well as many more who have been great people but have passed through the different phases of my life.

A while back I think I posted about an article written in the Chicago Tribune by Mary Schmich: Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young. She says of friendship: "Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young."

This was brought home to me at the end of last year, when a childhood friend of forty-five or so years duration was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Our lifestyles had diverged dramatically over the years and we lived in different countries. We saw each other once in a blue moon and certainly not for the best part of the last eighteen years. But we kept in touch by letter, email and phone. Mine was the first phone number she called with her diagnosis and, other than her immediate family, one of the last goodbyes she spoke. I feel honoured to have been her friend and now have one fewer true friend in my life.

So I guess what I'm saying is that quality wins over quantity. Who would help me if I was in trouble at 3:00am? That's my yardstick!

This doesn't lessen the disappointment when more casual friendships drift apart, or someone says something I find hurtful. To paraphrase something I said in a different context a few days ago, the day I stop being upset and frustrated by people, will be the day I apply for my sainthood as I know I will, at that point, have transcended all negative human emotion and be deserving of that halo.

Take a deep breath, release those friendships that no longer serve you and reach out in friendship to someone new.

If I was closer I would gladly call you for lunch or a coffee, the best I can offer is to be here to say hello anytime you are online.

5

Rebel mom, I just have to comment on the a hole who said she wants to surround herself with healthy people. She has a lot of guts talking so stupid....how does she know she's going to stay healthy until she dies of old age? People like her you sort of hope that someday she has to eat those words....I know it's awful for me to wish bad on anybody, but people like her deserve it!

6

One other thing rebel Mom, If that kid of yours had come to Montana to play ball like he was SUPPOSED to, we would be tailgating for the first college football game in the nation (also on ESPN national feed AND college game day in only 164 days, 20 hours, 18 min. and 23 seconds. against 3peat national champion NDSU (we played them within 5 at their house last year) By the time I filled you up with Burs and Pig (my buddy and I do a whole one for the opening game for customer appreciation for my wifes biz) you'd have a whole BUNCH of new best friends...............

7

Dearest Rebel Mom, when I read your post I could not log in quickly enough. When my health issues began in 2008 I watched friends fade away (well some ran). It was like they thought I was contagious. I Could listen to them droll on about work or house decorating but the moment I suggested I was struggling…forget about it. It was even worse because some of my friends were connected to my young sons friends. I had to try to explain to 4 &6 year olds why we didn’t play with Joe and his brother Joe (:wink: any more.

BUT DO NOT GIVE UP!! I Have new, better, and richer friendships now. God has blessed me with some very special new friends and even brought back some old ones. I Learned that some of the the old ones really didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I became more open (a little less cryptic) and specific and learned little tricks like sharing this website (or other educational material) with them. I Made new friends when I opened myself up and reached out. I Realized that there were people all around me struggling with physical, mental, and emotional things and all it took was a sincere “how are you”.

I Hope and pray that you will be blessed with rich friendships! It looks like you are off to a good start… Finding a few new friends here.

8

Hey Rebel Mom, sorry to hear that someone you trusted was so mean to you. She must be really small and that's too bad for her. You're still the same person you always were even though you may not feel like it at times when you're facing steep challenges. I probably have two really close friends and I don't get to see them near enough since we're all in different states but we keep in touch and lift each other up when we can. I hope you find some interaction in this community that will help you feel better. Shame on that smug woman for trying to feel high and mighty by putting you down for something beyond your control. Hang in there!

9

Hello again Rebel mom, please let your friends here who truly 'get it' know that you're ok.

10

Hello Rebel mom;

I am Shandy211 and I am new to this group! I joined yesterday. I just read this post and my heart goes out to you.

I feel your pain, and I have been there too.

One friend of many years even told me that she couldn't handle people being sick and couldn't be around them.. Then she disappeared... This was a friend I had treated like a sister. I had helped her through a lot of tough times including the loss of her husband. When I needed her she told me to find someone else, and then she turned her back on me.

I call these people "Fair Weather Friends". They will be there when times are good, but then disappear when anything goes wrong. They are not friends at all.. Often they will use you too, but when you need them they are long gone. Good riddance! You are better off without them, and worthy of good genuine friends.

Believe it or not there is a good side to this. When you become ill, you will quickly find out who your real friends are. They are quickly separated from the ones who will turn their backs on you. Just reach out to others and the good ones will appear. Sometimes it takes time, but it will happen. I have even had a few people come forward and offer to help me. People I would never have expected would do that! Even one friend who is in the midst of a major crisis himself, offered his help to me whenever needed.

While you are waiting for the good people to show up in your life, be good to yourself. Do something nice for yourself, however small it might be, because you deserve it. A pampering bubble bath, buy something nice that you've been wanting, whatever makes you feel happy....

Be your own best friend, and soon you will have the good people in your life! :)

11

I think lost friendships is one of the most overlooked emotional side-effects of PsA or any other chronic illness. For me, it was a lesson in who my friends really were, and a lesson in patience in those who needed time to come to terms with how much their friend was hurting and how quickly my health went downhill. Some friends don't stick around. Others are blessings in our lives that should be treasured. The transition from lots of "friends" to a few really close Friends is a difficult one. Lots of love to all who are in the midst of figuring out friendships.

A blog post I wrote recently after a conversation with a "friend" ... http://rannygahoots.blogspot.com/2015/04/some-and-others.html