I am very sad today and hoping some of you all might be willing to talk. I have recently pretty much lost my best friend of 8 years, and the mother of my older son's best friend. It is due to a specific phone call where she was very upset over things going on in her life, and I did not have it in me that day to be her cheerleader. Over the last 3 years, I have become immersed in my quest for diagnosis, treatment, and finding a new normal. I am barely holding on with two kids, a marriage, and working. Despite working in the healthcare field, she seems to have little empathy for this plight. Before my diagnoses it was "exercise more" or "get out of the house more" or "I think you're depressed". I have not made good on many plans we've made because I don't feel up to doing things when the time comes. I can see where I've become an "unreliable" friend and that's frustrating to her. She gets really mad at me when I'm unable to do things. She, on the other hand, runs marathons and has a very busy, active life. And I guess has no tolerance for my issues. I'm rambling here but I just feel so sad I feel like this is another casualty of this disease; relationships. And I miss my best friend. And I don't feel well enough to try and make it up to her, if that was even possible. I know the expression when the sh*t flies you learn who your real friends are. I just never thought she would be the one to go.
So sorry to hear you are going through this. I lost the best friend I thought I could have when I divorced back in the 80s. She was so judgemental of me and it hurt so very badly. I must admit I have no advice for you as to how to handle this because I did it my way...got mad and acted like she was never my friend for a long time. Just recently I have found that she is a "friend" of my daughter's on facebook and I still can't bring myself to contact her. She has since divorced and remarried as well...the exact same thing she judged me on...go figure!
I really hope that you find a way to channel your hurt to a better place. This is a time in your life that you need to do as you said and focus on you, your kids and your marriage...everthing else will fall into place after that.
I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better about this. Unfortunatly it happens. I really hope that you find a way to use this hurt for something positive.
I think I would try to reach out to my other friends, although I would definitely feel sad for awhile. Those feelings are definitely something anyone can relate to.
I love what you said here. People are very afraid of their own mortality and some people just can not handle when some one close becomes really ill. It frightens them and causes them to pull away and try to blame it on the person that is sick. I have left many friends behind in the past four years because of what I have been going thru. It is hard to watch a person decide that they can not be friends with you anymore because of your health. There are people out there who will love you and want to be your friend no matter what you are going thru
trees said:
You have not become unreliable. It is your friend. You have developed an illness that makes life harder to live the way you used .I quote you" I am barely holding on" She is the one who has become unreliable by not being there to support YOU when you need her understanding. Ok maybe she wanted to bend your ear about her problems but it sounds like she was not tolerant of your situation at all. When people cannot face up to facts they tend to have pat answers for everything ie you need to exercise more or you are just depressed" Unfortunatly we all have had friends we have had to leave behind. I have made some really great new friends who are tolerant of my illness or tolerant of me? Who knows. All I know is that I have made several new friends(because I have PsA) in the last 4 years and you will too. It is sad when your friend whom you thought would give you the most support cannot or will not. I think some of them worry they too may become ill or disabled. She will get over it and you will meet more supportive friends. I am sorry you are so sad. It will get better.
So sorry to hear your friend couldn't be more understanding of your illness. I have been through many rough spells in my life and it is amazing who is there by your side when your world falls apart. I have been shocked and amazed at the people who have come through for me, and even more by the ones who fell along the wayside. Maybe if you sat down and wrote your friend a heartfelt note telling her you wish you could be more of the friend she wants, but due to your illness, you are exhausted and not up to it right now. Make sure to tell her you really don't want to lose your friendship. If at that point she still doesn't come around, then you know exactly where you stand with her. Sometimes you simply have to move on, as much as that hurts.
Sorry to hear about that, I understand where your coming from, I have lost friends too, they simply do not understand or do not want to take the time to understand. To the ones that do, I am forever grateful!!! But it can be hard. We often feel alone and hurt, but remember you are never alone. We all struggle from the day to day, and it is hard, but you will through this and you will find comfort along the way, maybe with other friends, or family, even new friends, and when it gets really tough......you have us !!!!! I know you will find a way to turn this into something wonderfully positive, just give yourself time!
thanks so much for the replies and empathy:-) It was so nice to wake up this morning to come and read your replies and feel less alone!! I'm sorry to join and be such a downer but I'm going through a rough patch, healthwise, with my marriage, friends, etc., I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have already reached out to my friend several times. She is very very angry and becomes incredibly hostile when she's hurt. I have apologized several times and tried to be there for her, but she is rejecting me. I think it feels so much more awful because I feel so lousy this week every minute is agony. Although she hasn't always understood what I'm going through, she spent a lot of time with my kids and helped me lessen the impact this disease has had on them. I feel the loss for them too, and hate to see people they consider family disappear.
Am also feeling so overwhelmed with the holiday I feel like Scrooge. Family tensions always arise, this year's budget is small, and the "work" of decorating, cooking, shopping always falls to me. I used to LOVE it and now it just feels like work. I hate how not feeling has colored so many things in life. My positive attitude is not so positive right now lol!!
Really, thank you all for the words of wisdom. It means more than you know!
Maybe I'm missing something in your post but honestly you seem like you were a friend to her but she did not have the capacity to be a friend back. Sometimes we get into relationships where we do most of the giving and it takes something like this to see it. You haven't done anything wrong because you are ill and can no longer keep up your side of the friendship; her inability to see your needs is shocking. People come in and out of our lives, not everyone stays. You need to find a support group near you and make connections to people who understand the struggle of a chronic illness. You owe no one an apology here. There will be new friends who treat you better than this one is. Good luck.
It's difficult to lose friends, and even more people whom you thought we really good friends. One thing that helped was for me to basically send out an email to friends who really didn't understand my illness to let them know that PsA is completely unpredictable and I'm even more frustrated than they are when I have to cancel plans due to my illness... and that it has nothing to do with how much I care about them, it has to do with my PsA's need for me to slow down. During this particularly bad flare, I basically said that people should expect nothing from me - and anything I could do was an added bonus, that's how ill I am. People don't seem to understand that I can be joyful and laughing even though I'm in extreme pain...and that I can be in extreme pain and not LOOK like I'm in pain.
Try not to beat yourself up. This is probably one of the undocumented "side effects" of this disease. It's really hard to be there for someone when you are feeling terrible and struggling with just getting through the day. Just try to be positive the next time you run into her or hear from her. Sometimes people are so busy thinking about themselves they overlook what's happening to those around them. She might come around in the future when she realizes that she has lost a good friend.
I'm so sorry, Carly!!!! Can certainly understand and sympathize with you in ALL aspects. Unfortunately, I have no other comfort to offer, except you aren't alone in this. PsA is so cruel!!!! *HUGS*
One thing I have had to learn over the years of living with PsA is that most people have no idea what I'm dealing with. I honestly do not believe that they don't care; they just don't get it at all. I don't think TV commercials help much to promote understanding. I was kidding with my family doc once and said, "Hey, I want that pill you take and the next day you can go to the park and play frisbee with your dog." Doc didn't see anything funny there. He said, "That commercial has made my life hell. Eighty-five percent of my patients want that pill. Only they think it really works that way." But the truth is, they would have a much better chance of understanding if they would only listen to us. When we say we have pain, we have pain. How tough is that? Geez, Carly, I'm so sorry your friend let you down. I agree with LJ; sounds like your friend let YOU down. I've had to give up friends because of my illness. I don't have the energy to go through that emotional wringer. We all need friends who will understand and support us! If your friend does come back, you might consider having a long talk with her about YOUR needs from her. If she is bringing more of the same attitude back into your life, is it worth it? It's a tough situation you are in. I know you are concerned about losing a friend, but you must also think about YOU.
I am so sorry that ALL OF YOU have to go through this emotional pain on TOP of the physical pain. I empathize with everyone of you and wish more people were better educated about it. I have a feeling my friends and family think I am a hypochondriac. (If it is not one thing its another with me lately, I have had major back surgeries, a lumpectomy for precancerous breast tumor, psoriasis, now this "mystery" disease.) PsA is something NOBODY understands except those who walk in your shoes.
I have a very dear friend who keeps comparing it to her parents osteo-arthritis from old age. (as you all know...NOT EVEN CLOSE!) She keeps telling me about stretches and excercises, and vitamins and Glucosimine-Chondrontin ( sp???) supplements. Any how...I know she is trying to help, but they have no frame of reference. I politely listen to her but I know that she doesn't really understand it. She thinks she is helping too, so I just write it off as someone who cares about me, but doesn't have a clue what I am truly going through. It is a hard disease to explain to people. I am sure your friends don't understand it fully either, and if they can't be nice about you and your health, then they are not true friends to begin with. My friend is really trying to help me and doesn't want me to hurt, she is not mean spirited in any way. There is a big difference there.
I keep praying for relief for all of my new "friends" out here who are going through this awful disease.
Hey Carly. I can absolutely relate. Unfortunately I have no advise as I am going through the exact same thing with many of my friends right now. I want to be there for them as much as I can, but there are times when I am dealing with so much, especially this past 6 months with the new dx of PsA that I just do not have it in me to help. The only thing I can think of that helps me a little is the thought that maybe they are feeling the same way as me, that maybe they are going through so much that they can't help me, so maybe this is a good time to take a break, focus on the support system I do have, and work on these other friendships (if they are worth working on) when I am ready to put myself 2nd with them. Hope you feel better :o)
OMG Lainee, I do not know how many times people have told me to just take some glucosamine and stretch out. In fact, my daughter's gymnastics teacher saw me limping one day, asked what was wrong (which I HATE when people do, btw) and I told him is was PsA. He went to his car, grabbed some sample packs of glucosamine and handed them to me with a pamphlet from Amway that said something like "arthritis and you" Argh!
~Angie~
Lainee B. said:
I am so sorry that ALL OF YOU have to go through this emotional pain on TOP of the physical pain. I empathize with everyone of you and wish more people were better educated about it. I have a feeling my friends and family think I am a hypochondriac. (If it is not one thing its another with me lately, I have had major back surgeries, a lumpectomy for precancerous breast tumor, psoriasis, now this "mystery" disease.) PsA is something NOBODY understands except those who walk in your shoes.
I have a very dear friend who keeps comparing it to her parents osteo-arthritis from old age. (as you all know...NOT EVEN CLOSE!) She keeps telling me about stretches and excercises, and vitamins and Glucosimine-Chondrontin ( sp???) supplements. Any how...I know she is trying to help, but they have no frame of reference. I politely listen to her but I know that she doesn't really understand it. She thinks she is helping too, so I just write it off as someone who cares about me, but doesn't have a clue what I am truly going through. It is a hard disease to explain to people. I am sure your friends don't understand it fully either, and if they can't be nice about you and your health, then they are not true friends to begin with. My friend is really trying to help me and doesn't want me to hurt, she is not mean spirited in any way. There is a big difference there.
I keep praying for relief for all of my new "friends" out here who are going through this awful disease.
OH TOO FUNNY! We live in Amway's back yard, but hardly anyone here USES Amway because none of us like the multi-level marketing thing that has been tried on anyone who lives in this area. I know they MEAN WELL, it is just that people don't understand and are not educated about the different types of arthritis. This is not like osteoarthritis in any way, shape or form! Thanks for the chuckle today!
Lainee
Angie said:
OMG Lainee, I do not know how many times people have told me to just take some glucosamine and stretch out. In fact, my daughter's gymnastics teacher saw me limping one day, asked what was wrong (which I HATE when people do, btw) and I told him is was PsA. He went to his car, grabbed some sample packs of glucosamine and handed them to me with a pamphlet from Amway that said something like "arthritis and you" Argh!
~Angie~
Lainee B. said:
I am so sorry that ALL OF YOU have to go through this emotional pain on TOP of the physical pain. I empathize with everyone of you and wish more people were better educated about it. I have a feeling my friends and family think I am a hypochondriac. (If it is not one thing its another with me lately, I have had major back surgeries, a lumpectomy for precancerous breast tumor, psoriasis, now this "mystery" disease.) PsA is something NOBODY understands except those who walk in your shoes.
I have a very dear friend who keeps comparing it to her parents osteo-arthritis from old age. (as you all know...NOT EVEN CLOSE!) She keeps telling me about stretches and excercises, and vitamins and Glucosimine-Chondrontin ( sp???) supplements. Any how...I know she is trying to help, but they have no frame of reference. I politely listen to her but I know that she doesn't really understand it. She thinks she is helping too, so I just write it off as someone who cares about me, but doesn't have a clue what I am truly going through. It is a hard disease to explain to people. I am sure your friends don't understand it fully either, and if they can't be nice about you and your health, then they are not true friends to begin with. My friend is really trying to help me and doesn't want me to hurt, she is not mean spirited in any way. There is a big difference there.
I keep praying for relief for all of my new "friends" out here who are going through this awful disease.