I’ve been trying to keep up with everyone here but I don’t have the energy to do anything other then mind numbing games to keep my head from spinning…
Last Monday I truly wondered if I was going to be able to hang on… to not give up… On Wednesday i filled out a questionnaire from my psychologist and there should be a huge red flag on suicide… Then Thursday I was there and I felt a little better not on the edge but one step back… She asked how I felt but not if I thought I was in any actual danger… She just assumed the little bump in how I felt would be there for the 3 weeks I won’t see her… (she’s on vacation)
I’m worried because going to her could be what made me feel better… I didn’t realize she didn’t ask me about it until Friday… I was at the psychologist of the rehab program… finally!!(only took like 6 months… they said I could start right away… last time they said that was 2 months ago… I’m not allowed to think it’s going to be at least 2 more months now again… because past experience with every time they promised it would be soon isn’t important and should just be forgotten or else your just being negative instead of trying to safe yourself from disappointment)
Anyway during the conversation she never asked if I was suicidal and I’m not even sure what I said that made her ask me if I had any actual plans but she was the first medical person to ask me that… Even though I’ve been much more transparent with all the others…
Anyway it was very apparent she has a lot of experience with people in pain and at least seems like she really gets how hard it is… I really hope the program will help as much as she thinks it will… Whenever I finally get to really start…