I completely stopped working about 2 weeks before Christmas… I was so afraid I would crack and do something insane that would get me locked up… I was terrified of me doing something and then cops being involved etc because I had no idea how I could possibly cope…
I had a meeting at work with reintegration and my supervisor and all I did was cry hysterically and tell them I didn’t know anymore but that I couldn’t work now… Then I had a meeting with the work doctor and was completely insane… at one point he yelled at me to calm down (why do men think that will do anything but make it worse?) And I told him I can’t that’s what I’ve been telling you the whole time!! And then I told me all I had to do was lose weight and go for walks… Asshole…
I did the complete opposite from the 29th of December (that last meeting) until now… I did nothing but sit on the couch and play games… and that worked… last week I suddenly felt like going grocery shopping which I did and was exhausted after and completely overwhelmed during… but I did it…
My bf told my sister over Christmas that it was as bad as it was… She told my mom and my dad… my dad and his gf came over to my house and suggested to come with me to my primary care doctor so we could ask her to be my coach (I just typed couch and was actually laughing out loud in the train at that mental picture )
Which he did and she seems willing to help… she’s going to check with the surgeon who adviced me not to remove my gallbladder, why he did that… because he apparently never send her a letter about that… She told me to take 0,5mg of melatonin so I could sleep during night hours… And she’s going to ask my psychologist why she’s not advising me to go on meds for my anxiety and panic attacks… and that’s just the 3 things I mentioned…
She’s going to call me this week and then we’ll make regular appointments to see how it goes and how she can help me…
I installed an app on Sunday that blocks all games and social media (officially a forum like this and messengers are social too but I don’t use them to zombie out so I didn’t block those) during day and night time… technically I’m still looking at a screen all day but it’s my e-reader and reading makes me feel much more like a functional human being
I am definitely addicted to all the apps on my phone… but it’s not a craving like you crave nicotine it’s more like the automation of lighting a sigaret… I’m not annoyed when the popup says “this app is blocked” which is much more then I anticipated
I’m on my way to my parents town… I’m meeting my mom and have dinner with her and my sister and then I’ll be at my dad’s until Saturday. They are both working during the day but it should be nice to have people to talk to who actually want to talk about the news and won’t use everything I say to start a lecture on how all I need to do is lose weight and clean the house…
Since I was feeling better and wasn’t a zombie I did clean a bit and even folded laundry! Haha I did do a little bit too much today though… and my backpack is way too heavy… but my dad will drive me home on Saturday so it’s just from the train into the car now…
Oh! And I make myself tea! I feel like such an adult when I do that I don’t even really like tea… but since it makes me feel better I bought 9 (3 for the price of 2…) new tastes to try
I have no idea how much it takes now to push me off the railing… (is that the saying? It sounds weird now I wrote it down…) and I am careful to not overdo it! Because it does feel like it’s right below the surface… (I started yelling at my phone a few days ago for something stupid)
Anyway… seems like feeling better doesn’t help with how many words I use
But thank you everyone who replied to my other thread!! I really needed that outlet… and it might be needed again in the future… so thanks!