Spiraling

General Support
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I’m spiraling… I don’t know how to stop… the psych told me I was only slightly not crazy enough to require in patient treatment… and then put me on a waiting list… I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting to burst… i stayed home sick Friday because I couldn’t sleep the next three before from stomach ache… and then felt fine over the weekend and Monday morning… Until I got to work and I was dizzy stomach ache again and my head felt like I was really drunk… when everything moves too slow/too late… after I got home I went to bed and slept for 4 hours… I was fine until now… I have to work again tomorrow… I don’t get it… Working isn’t a bad thing… it’s not like I hate being there at all…

But I am scared… I’m terrified of going back to working more… I’m terrified of not being able to do it… I’m scared I don’t want to go back…

I am having to much trouble eating my vegetables and not all the other crap… And getting on that stupid bike… I know that’s the problem of why I feel so bad… and I know that means it’s all my fault and I’m just a huge failure… amd not worth any help… And saying that is being hysterical and God knows that’s horrible!!

But I don’t know how… And the worse I feel the harder it gets… Which causes me to feel worse… “Just do it” feels like Chinese… How am I supposed to do that?! I can’t!!! Not on my own… and apparently no one wants to help me either… Its not like I’m worth it anyway…

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Cynthia, we’re here pal. You’re panicking, I don’t know why but there isn’t always a clear reason. But since when were you a ‘huge failure’? I read all your posts, I have some idea of the person you are and the word ‘failure’ has never, ever occurred to me. There’s low self-esteem in the mix I guess … oh I’m just listing the obvious. I know what it’s like when the sky falls in, I really, really do. It was worst in my 30s … I hated most of that decade.

Please don’t think all of us here are living perfect lifestyles and constantly doing ‘all the right things’ with big, self-satisfied smiles on our faces. You must know that you have earned our support here, you have that. Keep talking to us. Don’t worry about the vegetables and the bike, just breathe and focus on whatever you need to do to get through these horrible feelings.

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Heres the thing, you have already proven worth it and want to do it by seeking help…

You prolly don’t need any “advice” BUT the fact is when we find ourselves sitting around just procrastinating day in and day out, its because we are thinking. Our thoughts are near impossible to contol, So its easy to say: just stop over-thinking. Shut off you brain. Just put on your clothes – or sit down at the phone, computer or wherever you need to be – and go and just do it. When our thoughts and feelings and constantly holding us back then I think we sometimes just need to stop listening to them and take action, without THINKING about it

This is easy to say of course. It’s a bit harder to do and to develop into a consistent habit. But it is possible. Thinking has its place but it isn’t action. No matter how much you think you still need to take action. Developing a “just do it habit” can make taking action easier and will stop you from wasting a lot of time going over different scenarios – that are mostly negative – over and over in your head. I have been just doing it for years, otherwise I’d get NOTHING done. I have a habit most know here of over thinking EVERYTHING.

Just getting going and doing something even if your thoughts and feelings want to hold you back becomes easier if you have small list of positive benefits in your mind or on a piece of paper. Then you know why you should go even if you don’t feel like it and are having negative and self-defeating thoughts and feelings at the moment.

And if you think back to the times in past when you first felt hesitant you may remember that those negative feelings pretty quickly were replaced with more positive ones. And you were happy that you got started. It’s pretty likely that the same thing will happen this time too.

Nothing is ever as bad as we think it is. Besides what the worst that can happen? Really! what is the worst that can happen at work? Get sacked? So what you were looking for a job when you found this one…

In the meantime PLEASE keep in touch with your Psych Its a sure way to move up the waiting list. Keep in touch with us WE CARE.

Just Do it is NOT Chinese. You have done it hundreds if not thousands of times… and has always worked out. You are still here. One of my favorite stories about just doing it is exactly that so forgive me in advance. We had a late night TV host here by the name of Johnny Carson. He was a comedian (one of the Best anywhere IMO) The pinnacle of any aspiring comedian was to show his stuff on the tonight show. IF he was really good he got invited to sit on the couch and his career pretty much assured. Johnny finally got to retirement age and left the show.

About 10 years later when Johnny passed away, The host of the show was talking about him and shared his first time on the Johnny Carson show. (forgive me ladies) He said it was just like having sex for the first time… It was painful, not very good, and WAAAY too fast but when it was over you knew one thing You just HAD to do it again.

The first Time the new host was on the Johnny Carson show he was NOT invited to the couch, but he did come back performed again, The second time he was invited to the couch. I don’t know if you have heard of Jay Leno, but he was MORE success than Johnny Carson and hosted the show longer.

Of course you can do it on your own IF you don’t think about it and just do it. Think of the times you were scared and did and discovered no matter HOW it turned out you wanted to do it again.

Psychs are interesting folk. IF he didn’t think you could, and would, you would be in in-patient treatment as we speak. He wants you to do it and so do we…

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We’re here listening Cynthia, feeling for you, and sending you virtual hugs. Although only you have your own unique experience, you are not alone.

Mental illness is a disease, like PsA. And like PsA, it’s not lazyness, or failure, or worthlessness. To need treatment for a disease is a perfectly normal state of affairs, be it PsA or mental illness, in-patient or out-patient.

We’ll be here Cynthia, keep talking if it helps. It always helps me :blush:

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Cynthia, it’s all been said.

“Nobody wants to help me”

We are here. We want to help. Please post.

Here’s what looks like a good resource. Please contact them too. Now.

Dikke knuffel van mij.

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But I’m not thinking… that’s the problem… I’m thinking back and putting meaning in things I did… after getting the results from the psych I just stopped eating veggies and buying more crap… I didn’t stop to think about it I didn’t even realise until today when I was wondering why I was “suddenly” feeling so bad again… and why I didn’t care… and why there’s a bruise on my arm again… which amplified the panic attack since I’ve never bruised this badly (there’s a 2cm bump on my arm) which obviously meant I was going to die…

I hate calling in sick… like the actual call… I always feel like I’m not sick enough… but I can’t go again and feel as bad as I did Monday and have to leave again… If I don’t go I’m a huge baby… but then if I go and it turns out I can’t do it then I’m an idiot who doesn’t look are herself…

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What’s the point of calling them?.. they can’t do anything… I still need to wait for actual help… A couple of weeks ago there was a story on Facebook from desperate parents of a girl who repeatedly tried to kill herself but couldn’t get help because of the waiting lists… Or all the news stories about the crazy people (“verwarde mensen”) walking around the streets because the waiting lists are too long and getting any help is too difficult…

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Most people have different strategies to help when everything gets so overwhelming and the spiral starts (yes, Most people have strategies, because you are not alone - many of us have different, but similar experiences). I have a couple that work, one is to pick just one thing, really small, that I know I can achieve (as small as having a shower, or eating one piece of fruit), then allowing myself to be proud of it. Another is calling friends, family, or my counselor - I’ve - but only one of the people that will make me feel good about myself (I need to be selfish there, because not all of them actually make me feel better, despite their intentions).

You’ve got strategies too - you are using one of them right now :blush: And for that you should feel proud. Give yourself a break, and allow that feeling of achievement.

Then take a deep breath, and try another. We’ll be here.

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It sounds as if you prioritised without thinking about it. You felt lousy & scared so you stopped bothering about eating well. You’re only human, you can’t handle everything at once.

I think you probably have very high expectations of yourself … is that right? But if you need to stay at home tomorrow then make the call to work, and be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend who was going through what you’re going through. Because it will pass and you can catch up with ‘stuff’ … veggies, work … whatever, later. And why not call the people Seenie suggests? Anything at all that might help you feel even a little better is worth doing.

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Hi there Cynthia, I feel for where you are at just now!! All I really have to add to what others have said is I wonder if this might be a reaction to extreme PsA fatigue? Just a thought…

It can help to have a good vent and this is a good place to do so, I’m sure many do understand how you are feeling right now, and some will have been there themselves.

There are lots of people here who do care, and you ARE totally worth it!!! I wish I had a magic wand or some wise words that would help!! Always remember that these bad times CAN be got through.

Big hugs to you!!

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We are here. And Cynthia, we are here for one reason: you, because, as Janson says, you are totally worth it.

But we understand: you feel terrible, mentally and physically and one makes the other worse. But this will pass.

What’s the point of calling them?.. they can’t do anything…

You’re right, the helpline can’t fix your problems. But they can listen to you, and sometimes just “dumping” and talking about your thoughts and feelings can make you feel a bit better. And every little bit of “better” helps.

Cynthia, look at the number of responses here. We know you, and you’ve become part of our group. Please do everything that you can to help yourself hang on, and hang out with us here.

S

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PS I want to “like” your posts, but I don’t want to look like I “like” your despair. What I like is that you are staying with the conversation and responding to people’s posts, even if your response is just the “like” button.
<3

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Well done Cynthia for just posting this first of all and responding second of all. See you are doing something positive, you’re talking to us and you’re keeping on talking to us. That’s such an achievement. It really is. So please keep doing that. Massive virtual hugs.

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It’s too much too respond to every thing in here… I do read though… I’m at my primary doctor now… for my ear ache and dizziness since thats what I stayed home for… She’s only 5 minutes behind so this time I hope she has the time to actually listen… And not snap “what do you want me to do about it”

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Best of luck with the doctors appointment!!! let us know how it goes

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It went Okey… she couldn’t help with the waiting list… but I have an ear infection… she gave me antibiotics… she commented on my bad luck with everything that was going on… I couldn’t read the list of diagnoses but she had to scroll to see everything… I’m just so tired of waiting…

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Oh I have 2 doctors btw… this one had been on pregnancy leave for a couple of months… they both look too much alike for me to really keep them apart though… So I just call them both my doctor as if they’re one person :wink:

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Glad it went okay. It must be a relief to have a reason for the dizziness etc.

I was thinking that when you’re concerned about your mental health, it must be tricky working out what is due to your state of mind and what is caused by physical problems. And of course sometimes the two are inextricably linked. The waiting’s is tough too, I know that.

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Cynthia, it sounds like the doctor’s appointment is very worthwhile. Ear infections are really miserable, aren’t they? The best thing, though, is that you were there: she (both of them, LOL) isn’t a miracle worker, and they can’t just pop you to the top of the list, but they can listen to you and help with the issues that make an already bad situation worse.

As Sybil says, the mental and the physical are linked, tied together, inseparable. So every little bit of help adds up: get your ear looked after, a little bit of the load is eased. She commented on what bad luck you’ve had, and that’s a little bit of help too. You come here (and goodness knows, we are all so far away …) and we listen and offer our thoughts, and that maybe makes you feel just a tiny bit better. No single thing helps a lot, but it all adds up. I think it would be the same if you called the helpline: maybe not very helpful, but perhaps a little bit soothing in its own way. Out of curiosity, why don’t you phone them and let us know how that was?

Keep reaching out, keep hanging out here, and hanging in there. Pooh’s right. Don’t feel that you have to say very much when you come here, but we are very concerned about you. Sending a few lines, or even a few emojis :rabbit:, will make us feel a bit better and probably help you a little bit as well.
:cow2:

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Hi Cynthia,

sorry you find yourself in this tough spot. I know there is a ton of stuff swirling around in your head right now. I would counsel you to focus on your ears. Focus your entire attention on that stupid ear infection and that the antibiotics will take away that dizziness and odd feeling you have. I bet you have a bit of a fever, too, which can make you feel desperately out of control as well.

So if you feel the urge to think, think about how that medicine is going to make you feel better. Try to connect to your body and not to your mind/thoughts.

And, for now, if eating cookies is all you can do, do it. You know you “should” be eating vegetables but if you don’t have it in you to prepare them, then wait until you have the energy. Don’t beat yourself up.

You have PsA. It is going to get you down from time to time. All of us here responding to you know this from our own experiences. I doubt there is a single moderator here who hasn’t had moments of despair, frustration and immense sadness for themselves related to their diagnosis. Please just try to relax and trust that you will be OK. You will be OK. You will be OK.

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