How do you find the path to acceptance? I am still not there yet I still get angry and get up and make myself do because its what I have always done and or been expected to do. I glare evily at my new wheelchair as I walk out of the room as if challenging it to stop me.
When the whole world tells you for decades that your not sick your lazy, overweight, sensitive to pain, and its all in your head, you force a terrible guilt onto yourself and make yourself keep going until your ready to break from the pain, and then one day they tell you oh wow! we are so sorry! you are really sick! and have been this whole time! How do you accept that.
In 2007 my right foot swelled for no apparent reason and the doctor at the time said I was retaining water in my foot and that pressure caused the break and he couldn't put a cast on it since it was swollen so I should go home and rest for a few weeks. I went back in for 2 years complaining about the pain and being brushed off then in 2009 the same pain I was acustomed too hit my left foot and I was not prepared for that so off to the ER we went and yet again a break in the bone only this time the x-ray from 2007 right got added to the left and suddenly the right foot was forgotten completely to the doctors.
So here I am in 2011 having just been diagnosed with PsA and a form called arthritis mutilans and I have almost no idea what to do or say to anyone who asks me how I am. I was handed a bunch of phamplets and prescriptions and even given a wheelchair and I still can't wrap my brain around the idea that I am and have been really sick.
I am from Florida but have lived the last 11 years in Germany so all of the info I have been handed is in German I can read German though and I have the net and I have also read a lot about it in English, so why can't I comprehend this.
Why is my husband who used to be annoyed with my complaints suddenly looking at me like I am made of glass and why wasn't he this supportive when I told him all along I was in pain? Why now when the doctors tell him does he not only believe it but he is so angry that all along he didn't? And would someone please explain to him that I get it and he can stop apologizing now for not listening to me sooner. I understand the doctors telling us I wasn't sick made us accept their opinion. I forced myself against the pain and my better judgement to be what they and everyone else expected. After all to quote one doctors "mothers are not allowed to be sick"
Why are my oldest 3 sons clearing the table and washing the dishes the first time I tell them and not just leaving it until I get so annoyed that I get up and do it myself? How did they come to accept this so quickly when I still have not?
Everyone around me seems to have come to terms with this so why can't I? For decades I have been convinced I was sick and was really in the pain I said and I was, I have been angry and bitter everytime a doctor told me otherwise so now that they tell me I was right all along why am I not saying I told you so or feeling relief that I am not in fact crazy.
When does acceptance come? For years I knew I was sick I knew I was really in pain I knew they would one day discover what was causing me to feel the way I do, so now that they have how long before I come to terms and accept it too?