I woke up today and cried. I realized that I have a chronic illness. Initially I denied that I had PsA. I truly believed that I could eat well, sleep well, exercise and take Ibuprofen. Everything would be fine if I just stayed “balanced”…
I have read various posts by others, empathized, felt a loss of control. I will also continue to suffer and this will not go away. I may be able to help keep PsA at bay with my plan BUT I will have to start treatments, sooner than later. Reality.
I am not alone and now I have a group who will be here when I need to understand.
Today I cried. Today I felt the ache in my wrists slightly more intensely. Today I needed more rest. Today I accepted that I am one of you now. Acceptance.
My attitude hasn’t changed in one aspect during moving from denial to acceptance. I will choose to be happy even if I hurt. I choose to be positive even if it is a bad day. I choose to not worry about my body deteriorating. My new mentality or mantra: “Be Still, know that I am God”. My worries serve no purpose. My worries will create stress which will create a flare.
BlueFairy… You are not alone, we are not alone. PsA is a scary, reality. You chose to keep moving because you had to for your children. You noticed the signs and symptoms but “sucked it up” because no one has time for this, life’s demands, and not wanting to be a hypochondriac. OR whatever your reason was to ignore what you know is reality. Take a moment to reflect on your feelings because it is okay to have these feelings. In one way we are too young to be given a diagnosis that is chronic. On the up side, we are blessed and can choose our path. For me, I am going to choose acceptance. I am going to choose to receive treatment and adjust my life so that I can have the best quality of life that can happen with PsA. After reading and discussing the effects of PsA on the next couple generations older than us, we need to start now. They all say the same thing => “I wish I had been diagnosed/treated earlier”.
I will never tell someone that my way of coping is the best way. I will never tell you how you should feel or what you should choose to do. I will tell you my process of coming to acceptance. I can tell you my feelings.
We all have a daily routine. I recognize that I cannot just go do whatever I want as I did one time in my life. I must be routine. My day is much better if I get up and walk on the treadmill. This sounds simple but not always as simple with life demands. I lay my clothes out the night before and pack my food for the following day. I am slower now and I become shaky if I get in a rush. If I don’t eat well, I eat badly which adds more weight on my joints. I am 5 foot so a pound is noted.
Mentally, I have asked myself for 10 months (or more) => 'What is happening to me? Something is not right and I know my body. They will know when no one has listened to me and my autopsy is done. (Sorry if gruesome but I do work ER). OR I can save lives, why can’t I save my own?" Myself, I am done with my mourning. EVERYONE has to grieve and process on their own time.
BlueFairy, allow your self time to process and grieve. Allow yourself to be in denial. I also know how you feel and you are not alone. Please allow me or this group to be there for you.
I feel exactly the same way. I am stuck in this confused state. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I have tried for years to eat healthy and stay active, and yet this still happened. BlueFairy - I understand the guilt, worry and hopelessness. I have three children and I worry everyday that I am letting them down. That I am not being the mom they deserve to have.
I think an important thing to remember is that we are not alone. There are many people like us...suffering exactly the same thing. We need to draw strength from that and find support to help us get through the rough days.
SynergySarey is right that we need to time to reflect on our feelings and to "mourn" the lives we thought we would have. I know that in my wildest dreams I never saw myself here, in this place. I was always upbeat and loved to live life. Now, I find myself struggling to enjoy even the small things and feel so isolated and alone most days. So, I come here and read other people's posts and it brings me comfort that I am not alone.
So know that you are not alone.
I wish you a happy day!