The next chapter, entry 3 Nov. 14, 2012

I'm realizing I'm spiraling down in mood like I have in the past Fall season for years. In north Idaho, the days become so short of light, and it feels damp, and cold. Yesterday, I couldn't warm up. Just kept adding layers. I want to sleep more, hard to get things done. Add chronic pain, unable to exercise, not enough hours at work, and the pit deepens. The hope is that I am on medication, so I plan on feeling better soon. I can find things to do in the house without feeling guilty about not being outside in the sun. Books and movies pass the time and if chosen right, can be funny and uplifting. I also have my family by my side. I am not hopeless, just sick of being like this, not doing the things that used to bring me joy and make me who I am. I am getting a much needed massage in a couple of hours and not all of us have that luxury. I no longer work 12 hour shifts in the hospital so kudos to fate. Just venting I guess. I did find another support group for PsA at the mayo clinic something or other. Nice to know I can go there when I get my feelings hurt here. Thanks for letting me vent. Some of you on here are near and dear to me.

Sorry you're having a tough go of it, Michelle. I find winter hard to handle at the best of times so I can relate to how you feel. I had to put an extra blanket on my side of the bed the other night as I felt chilled to the core. I'm breaking out the electric blanket tonight. And I reprogrammed the thermostat 2 degrees warmer! Baby steps and do try to go easy on yourself!

I heat with a wood stove and am in the process of moving the tv closer to it! I also use a heating pad when it is really bad. I have been on an anti depressant for years but still find this time of year I just want to get cozy until it passes. I don't find I am carbo loading yet this year. I think the high dose of mtx I am on this year is surpressing my appetite. I don't get nauseated as a lot of people do. I just lose my appetite.

I forgot to say you are not alone Michelle, I am sending you warm thoughts!

I am glad you found a group where you can go and get the needed support. I have been trying to find one locally but there is none. Winter time is hard for me as well. My new normal is trying but I am trying to stay positive not only for me but for my children. Throw a heating blanket on you while you watch tv or read. That helps for me. Remember we are here for you!

i had a wonderful, hour and a half massage yesterday. I hadn't been able to turn my head left or right for weeks. Then when i couldn't look up or down, I forced myself to pay the money and go. I feel so much better. My sofa has an electric throw blanket, an electric heating pad, and my heatable sports bench cushion. I have an electric mattress pad as well, ha ha. I am returning my crutches to the pharmacy tomorrow as I believe that flare is over. Whew! Can't wait to be the new me! Thanks for the kind words, sweet ones.

Hi Michelle, I feel your pain. I also am absolutely SICK OF THIS. I am so tired of not being able to do the things I did before and feeling like an invalid. I planted a mum outside the other day and it took all I had to do it. I am angry beyond belief. The only thing that keeps me going is thinking tomorrow, maybe the Humira will kick in and work. Or maybe they'll come up with something that will make us better. My nephew lived in Rexburg for years and told me about the winters there. They are unbelieveable. Maybe we should buy 2 tickets to Tahiti for the winter (lol)! Anyway, I know this is hard, but we have to keep going, if not for ourselves, for the people who love us. And vent any time you want.

I can not express my thanks for this post and for you sharing your struggles and while i truly wish you were not in a place where you had to have these struggles at all I am grateful for the comfort I found in having someone put to words exactly what I have been struggling to express . I am sick of being sick . I am not normally a depressed person but I have noticed since my very first fall/winter here (live in germany but from Florida) that my positive energy drops with the temperatures and the lack of sunlight. At times like this feeling trapped in a body I can not control missing out on all of the things I loved to do before life seems to drag into a series of trying to pass the time til the pain subsides without being angry bitter or feeling guilty for all the things I am not able to get done. I have a very loving family and a lot of support and I do know that life is not always this bad. I am not depressed but rather I feel drained of my energy, drive, and motivation because simply getting myself warm exhausts all of my resources. Maybe its the lack of sun maybe its the dreary weather and days that seem to drag on during the colder months but whatever the reason every Fall i find myself feeling this way. Just passing the time, feeling for lack of a better word so blah. Waiting for the medications to do their job and take away some of this pain because even in bad weather less pain equals better days.

Today has been a bit better as I turned up al of the heaters last night and while my mood has improved I am feeling twinges of guilt for my family. I have never figured out how I managed to produce children who are so naturally tolerant to cold and yet miserable in heat. While the heat is doing wonders for me the men in the house are running around in shorts. Thankfully me turning the house into an oven is a sacrifice they make willing because they love me and want my days to be easier.

Sending warm thoughts your way hope you and the rest of us on here find some relief very soon.

MamaMeli, I am glad my post touched you. I have been to inpatient treatment for eating disorders 3 times. All began in November or December and lasted 1 to 3 months. I thought it was this time of year because of the holidays. Many people struggle with the holidays, i was told. It took many years to put together the true reason why I ended up so low this time of year. 4 yrs ago was my last journey to treatment. I was married with 2 children this time. The stakes were so much higher. But with the maturity of an adult, I took aftercare very seriously and I got well again...physically. This Fall, I am going to give my all into making being homebound fun and productive. Don't know what that looks like yet, but maybe making Christmas presents, starting a book series, watching old movies, etc. Today, I will pull out all of my warm clothing to stay warm. Silk thermals are awesome. Tall socks, wool, thin coats I can wear around the house, fleece, these all keep me out of bed or in a ball on the sofa buried in electric blankets and pads. Today, my pain is awful. Could be the tiny amt of gluten I ate last night when my teen brought home cookies he made, or could be the barometric pressure dropping, or stress, or one of a thousand other reasons, right? I saw you on the group linked to this one. I am glad you are proactive and not in denial of the facts. Google happy lights. I got mine at Costco one year, and they help a lot.

teehees have one =D love my daylight lamp it really does help! well me anyway, my poor plants not so much apparently they are not as easily fooled as people lol. Today we spent rearranging the house to make mom more comfortable a task that happens quite a lot because I am too active to stay in one place for very long on good days and on bad days so not able to be active that we end up moving stuff back and fourth. I long for the day we finally move into a home where the rooms are all accessible all the time without having to move furniture everytime my PsA decides to be a PITA. I have become a crafting maniac since my diagnosis and when a flare shows up I put my focus into keeping myself busy making things for whatever holiday is coming up next which at least in some way feels productiive. With 3 teenagers and 2 toddlers my dear ever tolerant (expert furniture moving) husband our 2 cats and even our tarantula (gag ick eww I actually hate spiders) my days are filled with love and laughs and enough chaos to keep me from falling into a deep depression. Having people to take care of is something I need to keep me moving and motivated enough to take care of myself. Thinking of starting an open letter to myself to the tune of things you can to do pass the time when your having a flare and catagorizing it by body parts affected >.<

Example: When your hands are having a flare for the love of goodness woman put down that needle and thread! What were you thinking sewing though relaxing when your feet are in a flare is agony when your hands are!

When I have the dertimination to keep myself uplifted and busy I also seem to lose all common sense and forget what my limitations are. I swear I need a guide on how not to make myself worse while trying to make myself feel better. I am glad for this site I have my self found a lot of support not only in the PsA section but in many others as well. I have to had some not so good experiences but they have been so few and far between and the positives so abundant that for me this is one of the few places I feel safe enough to laugh, cry and even rant which I can say not only helps me cope but also gives me a chance to let go of the negative things enough to be able to see all of the positive things in my life. Support ...something everyone needs and thankfully for me at least can be found by simply logging in here, I am grateful to everyone here who takes the time to listen, respond, and share their troubles with me it makes all the difference in the world to have a place of constant support.