I’ve been on this roller coaster ride a little too long now. I had been out on disability since June of 2016. Last week I finally found out the reason why I haven’t recovered from knee replacement surgery was the fact I have PsA. The Human Resource Department of my now former Company sent me a letter in the mail telling me they kept my job open since I was out but if I could not provide an actual return to work date within the next week, I would be terminated. At that time, I still had no diagnosis and I still need a second knee replacement to boot. None of my doctors would even discuss a return to work date. The disability carrier made me file for Social Security Disability in February. In today’s mail I got the termination letter. When I was working a 15 work day with a two hour commute each day and a boss that didn’t believe in vacation time. The stress was absolutely horrible. I have mixed emotions. I worked my butt off all my life to make it to Vice President. Now, thanks to PsA, the rug has been pulled out from under me. Yet, in my heart I know the stress of the job would only make the PsA worse. To those who have been down this path, is this normal the way I am feeling?
That sounds like a very harsh process SharonB. I don’t know what would constitute ‘normal’ emotions in the circumstances, though having mixed emotions sounds entirely understandable.
I have never really grieved the loss of my career. The last few years of teaching were extremely tough, I was Senior Teacher in a small school with pretty much a full teaching load to boot. I was absolutely exhausted and didn’t know that PsA was a huge contributory factor. I left that post and started working as a supply teacher, thinking that I’d have time to recover in-between assignments. But all that came my way were full-on assignments and I didn’t know how to say ‘no’. Eventually I decided to take a year off rather than drop dead and that was when PsA hit me full-on.
I’d never planned to retire as such. I didn’t actually have a life plan but I didn’t expect to be unable to work either. My PsA is now so well-controlled that I probably could do at least a part-time job of some sort but I’ve got other projects on the go. To cut a long story short, my life’s changed completely and I’m happy with it.
Although I generally am very well these days, being able to organise my own routine, to rest if absolutely necessary, to decide to sit down or stand up, to walk or to drive etc. etc. definitely helps me stay well and feel well. Sometimes I still do 15 hours of ‘work’ a day, but it’s my call.
The biggie is if not-working is affordable. If you have that luxury then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t re-shape your life in purposeful and fulfilling ways without the career. Just wondering now, are you actually asking ‘should I be feeling crushed’? Well you can guess what I’d say. I might just have some work ethic left but I don’t need a boss to put it to good use.
SharonB, I do understand. Totally normal. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that your body has changed and you can’t give it your all any more. I find it so frustrating that I’m still in my job but I just don’t have my heart in it anymore. My brain only works creatively until mid-day and then I’m totally exhausted. On a stressful day I forget to stand up and walk around and then wham…when I do I’m all bent over and flat on my back all evening!! I therefore have come to the conclusion that if I can’t do the job well things have to change and I have requested early retirement. May we should look at this at an opportunity? Do something else and make sure our days suit us. We’ve been successful in our careers but now it’s time for change…I don’t know what I’m going to do when I “retire” but I’m looking forward to the adventure.
I do think the USA’s employment protection laws stink Sharon. But hang onto those mixed emotions, squeeze all the positive from that and see it as Sybil says as an opportunity.
Once you get yourself more stable you could of course set up your own business or consultancy from home, or do something entirely different using all your hard earned experience. Just because this employer is hopeless and rather draconian to say the least doesn’t mean your entire career is over either.
Not for PsA reasons but I’ve been a partner in a law firm in London, then ran my own niche practice from home for 11 years, before deciding to beome employed again but this time as ombudsman (deciding comsumer complaints in financial services) and still manage to work 3 or 4 days from home too. Now with PsA only diagnosed a year ago, all this working from is a godsend.
For me no job is worth huge amounts of stress, especially not the bullying kind where vacations are frowned upon. Life’s too short for all that isn’t it? Especially when with PsA you have to learn to grab the good days or just the betters days.
So think about those mixed emotions as a blessing. Mixed means you’re not wholeheartedly devastated! 
However remember too that you’re going through a serious ‘life event’ in psychological speak. That needs time to assimilate. So be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve properly over all the changes too. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in doing that. And you’re entirely normal in your reactions too.
This exact thing happened to me!
I got every piece of paper from every Dr., to send in with my social security paperwork.
Employers have a system for weeding us out. You’re probably better off since the employer determined you’re unable to work. I’d definitely put that in your paperwork. Save it all for the future too.
It’s been a long time since they let me go now, but I am over it. I’m glad I’m not trying to do what I couldn’t anymore. It was making me so sad to be in more pain than I can handle.
I’m still hoping to get better, and you’ll have a lot more time to take care of yourself. I don’t think you should really have to suffer as much as we do to prove yourself.
Good luck with the new part of your journey and believe you can feel better about this. It’s hard to go through but I’m hoping you’ll come out better.
I was slowly killing myself trying to work full time in a big-hours executive level job (also with a daily commute exceeding 2 hours), and looking after a child under 5.
I was made redundant due to company circumstances (takeover), but we all knew the writing was on the wall anyway, because I just wasn’t coping. I’m still grappling with the idea I may never be able to return to work in permanent, full time hours, and now as a single parent, it’s going to make it very hard to ever own my own house (don’t ask about property prices in Aus).
On the other hand, I’m lucky enough to be able to get some consulting work I really enjoy, and I’m a much more present (and better!) parent for my little girl, I’ve made some changes in my life that have allowed me to be true to my values and be a much happier person.
Although I’m not one to wax on about silver linings, for me, I wonder if there really was a reason one door closed, so I could notice the one that had patiently been waiting for me, open.
That’s great, Jen! Something good came out of something bad, and it is that silver lining that makes everything work out in the end!
Hang in there, SharonB, and hopefully there will be a silver lining to this, as what Jen mentioned, and not too far down the road you will be okay with how this all played out!
I know exactly what you are going through as I have experienced it. In June of 2013 I began having trouble with my joints and had to go out of work. I had been working with the Department of Social Services as a Social Worker for a couple of years. I had to take FMLA. It was July before I was diagnosed with PsA. I was at a point in time where I was so bad I couldn’t even move either arm. Eventually my FMLA ran out and my doctor would not release me back to work. I was essentially fired from my job because of this. I applied for SSDI and was lucky to have taken out long term disability when I went to work for the department that would bring in some money for at least a year. I didn’t have to fight for my government disability and was approved in 9 months which I am still on and just had my first review which I still qualified for as my PsA has gotten worse. I understand the emotions. It’s tough and what you are feeling is normal. I was depressed a long time as I had spent so many years being a Social Worker it was my life. It was what I went to college to study. It was my passion, I loved the people and know I was facing the reality of not being able to do it again. I went for a good year and a half and still do sometimes to this day if I start talking about it and have to go into detail I will start crying about not being able to work anymore. Actually I did about a month ago to the new Rheumatologist I saw on the first visit. Keep your chin up and as I have had to learn it isn’t your fault that you were dealt this card in life. We just have to live each day one at a time and make the best of them. 
Thank you @shmoobugg. The stress of dealing with losing my job was bad enough. Now I am dealing with the long term disability carrier asking if the doctor has had a conversation with me on returning to work. No none of my doctors have and I currently see a Endocrinologist for Graves Disease, a Rheumatologist for my Psa ( just recently diagnosed) and Osteoarthritis. A Otholmologist for dry eye disease, a dermatologist for the psoriasis and a Neurologist for recurring migraines.
Social Security denied my initial claim - the disability carrier made me file immediately for SSD upon my being off from work 6 months. That wasn’t enough time for me to a) find a good Rheumatologist or b) be diagnosed properly. We will be filing an appeal of course.
All of this stress has spiraled me into a deep depression that I only recently admitted to my Neurologist. I wouldn’t even admit this to my husband or myself. I feel like I am battling forces on every front but I lack the stamina I had when I didn’t have Psa. Hubby doesn’t get it no matter how hard I try to share Psa information with him or tell him how awful I am feeling. He thinks I will be back to normal (what’s normal for someone with Psa?) someday. When will that someday be?
I used to be a fighter but my fighting spirit has diminished so much. One by one I feel like my “toys” ( job, ability to drive, cook, read) everything I used to like have been taken away by a bully that some people think isn’t there. I type with the two fingers that aren’t in agonizing pain- don’t get me wrong they still hurt quite a bit. I wonder when the use of these two fingers will be taken away too.