Oh look, a blog!

Well, never done a blog before so I suppose this changes that now. I feel like I need to vent somewhere. If you don't want to read a long, kinda carping rant I guess you should stop now...

Ok, if you're still with me then here goes! I'm hardly exciting, I do boring things like go to work, then go home and hope to recover enough that I'll be able to handle work the next day. It seems like that is becoming the story of my life, and it's wearing me down; I enjoy my job and what I do and the idea of having to stop is depressing. I like to drive, garden, frolic in cemeteries, do crochet, play on the internet, keeping tropical fishies, playing with my birds, read, see? Not terribly exciting.

The joy of PsA has been steadily working it's life sucking tentacles deeper into my life and hide. The joint pains, scales and blistering psoriasis, swelling, and all have been going on for better than 20 years now, I just never had an actual diagnosis besides the whole being a lazy faker who is trying for attention or to get out of doing things, at least until a couple years ago. Because that is an awesome way to be, ya know, who doesn't like having to deal with all the fatigue, aches, shocks of pain, swelling, and the ever so delightful scorn and derision your crippling laziness entitles you to get.

At least my husband is supportive, for the most part. He's a 20+ year survivor of Hodgkin's lymphoma and a 4 year survivor of lung cancer, and now suffers chronic pain himself. He knows I hurt, but I try not to let him see how bad it really is, or how hard things are becoming because he hurts enough without me adding to his sorrows. My mother-in-law, that's a different story...she is quick to say I'm stupid, lazy, making it up, read it on the internet and just want to be special, gee what a supportive lady! And this is great because she lives with us, and gets to inform me on a daily basis what she thinks I'm bullshitting about! Yay! It's really sweet when I get told how I don't know what pain is like because her son is really suffering and blah blah blah.

Lemme see, as for medications I'm now on Remicade infusion, after MTX caused reactions and Enbrel stopped working. I think the Remi helps, but I worry about it stopping and thinks marching right on. All these "what if?" scenarios endlessly gnaw at me, and I end up an anxious mess about work, bills, life...

Umm, what else...pretty much all my joints hurt, even dumb places like my sternum, jaws, pelvis. I sound like rice krispies when I walk or stand up, or the double shotgun blasts when I straighten up my knees. My wrists are annoying when I move them they crackle and pop, which freaks people out but does at least amuse me in a horrible sort of way, haha! Even typing I'm snapping :/

Now brain fog is setting in enough that I've kind of lost track of what I really got on here to rant about, other than general grousing about things...so maybe I will add more later if I remember what I was going to say to begin with. If you read this to this part then I hope you're doing well and if you're not I hope you soon will be! Ta-ta!

The physical and emotional toll of this disease is terrible for some of us. Even worse than the physical pain and the depression can be the reaction we get from others. Not only is our disease rare, but for the most part, it is invisible! Oh sure, we look fine, don’t we? Must be lazy …

And that’s the beauty of this site. You can rant and get it off your chest, and we get it. Oh, we so get it.

Omg you're a great writer-as are so many of these PsA people!!! I enjoyed reading, and if you got off your intended subject, it was still interesting and fun to read! We can certainly all relate! --Except for the mother-in-law--I have to say, mine was a sweetie!

I was just going to write a blog about how I hate how disinterested I am in everything lately, but you cheered me up, so I'm gonna do some housework instead!

I could never ever ever live with my Mother in law. You couldn't possibly pay me enough. And I would never be done ranting and raving on that topic alone!

I lucked out and got a mother in law who is much sicker than I am. She lives with us and we muddle through our days together empathizing with each other and taking care of each other. I can honestly say I would be a raving lunatic without her. She nags her son on days when I just don't have the energy. My son and Mema have ongoing battles of wits and sarcasm - which they both love. I just sit back and ignore it all because it makes me crazy when they carp and snark at each other (even knowing how much they both enjoy it).

I have been smacked in the face (figuratively) with people who honestly believe that their life experience has been far harder and more meaningfully horrible than anything I could possibly be feeling, and therefore their wishes trump everyone else's. Those are the kind of people that I just want to beat with my cane. Sounds like your mother in law is a good candidate for a caning (ahem) accident. I'd volunteer to help out with that, but unfortunately I can't even lift the doggone thing at the moment. I need it too much to keep my balance (snort).

This support group (website, whatever you want to call it) has been a lifesaver. Whenever I am ready to explode, I come on here, blog up a storm, wash it all out of my system so I can go back to being the "normal" rational person I always attempt to be. I have never been judged. I have never been told I'm crazy. I have never been told I'm lazy, or malingering - at least not on here. Real life kinda sucks, though. So next time you feel a rant coming on - pop in and rant and rave a bit. It'll keep you sane, and entertain everyone else in an empathetic and loving way.

Hi chicken! Would i be guessing correctly that you are the family breadwinner and have that burden?

Yep, you would be correct. I put in 45 hours or more a week driving for a living. I get so mad sometimes, ugh.

So your MIL is nervous that the gravy train is going to end. Might want to remind her not to bite the hand that feeds her. You may not feel like the one who has the power (and she is really trying to be sure that you don't realize it) but you do. I think it is OK to remind her that if you are the only paycheck in the home that it is in her best interests to support your needs.

You rant away if you need to, I surely would, having to live with a mean-spirited moanie b****! (sorry bad day at work lol)
Think the reminder to your MIL about being the bread winner and therefore providing her with home comforts is a great idea. You may find that’s her way of putting you down so you don’t twig you’re worth a lot more respect than she’s giving you…lived with a husband like that for 25 years and it sucks you dry, and makes you question yourself.
Good luck, keep your head held high x

Amen to what Louise and Sassy are saying. If you work it just right, you can come out looking like a rose, and help your hubby figure out what is going on without having to say a single specific word about it. My, aren't I Machiavellian?

I just read your blog and it made me smile. I love your name

oops i got cut off. i was going to say I have chickens too. They are funny little animals.