Unrelated to PsA Advice

Hi Im 36, divorced with 3 kids - ages 20, 14 and 13. ive with an amazing man who is 50. He asked me to move Florida with my two little ones. i said would, though we both have two different views on marriage. I want to get married and he does not. Everytime ive mentioned marriage he would get mad. i just cant move more than a 1000 miles away with my children for someone who doesnt want to make that commitment to me.

Please share your thoughts. I love him but dont want to settle for less than i deserve.

Thanks

All right. . . I'll give you the harsh advice. If he's not willing to marry you, then I wouldn't even think about moving with him. He's asking you to uproot not only your own life, but that of your children as well. If he's really amazing, he'll wait until your kids are grown up and out of the house. This man sounds selfish to me.

As a matter of fact, this might be the perfect opportunity to dump him without feeling bad. Let him move to Florida by himself. He has no interest in what is best for your kids (and you).

When your kids are all out of the house you can do as you please. For now, it still needs to be about them.

Can you tell I've been listening to Dr. Laura on Sirius XM too much?

i feel the same way. He packed up and moved out. Yes, that means he was living my house. Im sad but am standing strong on this. I said not to waste my time. Thats when he left. I just wished him well and that it.

Thanks for ur response. I guess i needed reassurance.

The fact that you asked is an answer. i would agree "Amazing" I don't think we have the same definition however....

Ditto. Stoney said it all best.

Stoney said:

All right. . . I'll give you the harsh advice. If he's not willing to marry you, then I wouldn't even think about moving with him. He's asking you to uproot not only your own life, but that of your children as well. If he's really amazing, he'll wait until your kids are grown up and out of the house. This man sounds selfish to me.

As a matter of fact, this might be the perfect opportunity to dump him without feeling bad. Let him move to Florida by himself. He has no interest in what is best for your kids (and you).

When your kids are all out of the house you can do as you please. For now, it still needs to be about them.

Can you tell I've been listening to Dr. Laura on Sirius XM too much?

perhaps bad choice of words. He is a good guy, stood by me through so much. I dont have anything bad to say. best boyfriend i have had maybe that is the reason I think he's amazing. We hardly fight or disagree except about the marriage part. we get along, nicely.

Stick with Stoney's advise. She is very wise. I stood my ground with a boy friend who sounds a bit like yours. I had a 12 year old son still at home. What I didn't appreciate at the time was how good my decision for my son. He saw me stand up for what I believe in. A few years later I married a man who really wanted to marry me! Best decision of my life. And what a difference for my son. He now knows how to stand in his truth and respects his momma so much. Hang tough, you are worth it.

I appreciate this advice. I have been so depressed this past week, reassurance helps when i feel like i cant talk to anyone.

Thank you

Trust your instincts & DON'T go. You are absolutely right about him not wanting a commitment. Why are you the one sacrificing?? Moving to another state, having your kids leave behind friends, schools. You would all be giving up a lot. What is he giving up??

From a practical standpoint, you do know Florida is so red that that it flashes red - right? Unless you are transfering with a job with great insurance and benefits, its going to be VERY hard to manage your disease if A you are not married and not eligible for his insurance and or B something happens to the relationship and you are single still.Unless you have that job or have won the lottery you are in a state with one of the highest costs living around, high unemployment and litlle to no help for sing parents and their kids. Even SNAP is hard to come by. Moving back is an option I suppose, but you would have to reestablish residencey. By the time all that occurs tyour disease could be so far out of control, you couldn't be mom much less anything else.

I'm sure he does treat you nicley, and you deserve it. You have obviously had more on your plate than anyone should.... But I don't know of a man anywhere with GF 15 years younger than he that wouldn't treat her like a queen. But remember ALL men do their thinking with two heads. Developing a balance between the larger and smaller is a challenge (especially at 50 and single - ever look at the singles ads?) Which head do you think he using when he won't give you a ring?

You make a good point with insurance. That was the very first issue I brought up to him. We actually planned on purchasing insurance when we got there after I ran out of cobra. PsA is not my only condition but the one that is less manageable. I have a house of my own that I was going to rent out because we both agreed that we would try it out and we didn’t like it we would come back. His mom passed away and he purchased his childhood home. Employment is not the issue in Fl. its more of thinking about if something happens to him where does that leave me and my kids. He has a 20 yr old son who is a good kid but was not moving with us.

Now talking about a 50 yr old man who, has a gf 15 yrs younger. It hasn’t come across my mind that he is thinking with the wrong head. Though I could still be naive but sex has not been a major part of our relationship. Its important yes, but I think its more important to me than him. Its mostly me who has to start things up. And even get turned down cause as he says he’s an old man, it doesn’t work like it used to. LOL

I have so much more at stake. It is just him and like Liz said, he has to sacrifice nothing. That is his home and this is mine with my kids and they will always be my first priority.

Its not just sex ruled by the conflict between heads, its ego. If he's only 50, and you are the instigator.........

Kids at 14 and 13 are at their most FRAGILE age. A "trial move" is not the best idea. What are you teaching them about the value of a"relationship?"

I agree with tntlamb. Your kids are at a very fragile age, and it would be terrible to uproot them for a trial move.

I agree they are at a fragile age. We all have been to Florida for long visits, vacations if you will. Moving and vacation is so different, I understand. The kids, especially my 14 daughter, are very mature. For her age wanting to get a job already, has me baffled.

Maybe I should wait until they are older and on their own. At that point, I wouldn’t want to leave cause I may have grandkids…

We all including the kids, had a conversation about the move, that’s when we decided if we didn’t like it we would come back. Though I believe, it was what was best for them… Philadelphia isn’t such a nice place and the school system stinks. More times then not, people bring you down, kids walking around and acting up everywhere and I truly believe that the atmosphere is better in Florida. And I cant take the cold even if its for a few months. We were planning on moving there years ago, with their father but that was a bust. And Thank God…

Ego, I understand that now.

Im not sure what you mean by what relationship values im teaching them. We, the kids and I have a good relationship. I also believed that I had a good relationship with my bf…until last week. We were so happy, then the whole marriage came up when we’ve had a few…and that was it. Maybe he got scared, just like I am…who knows but we loved each other, we complimented one another. I didn’t see myself ever meeting someone that fit me like him and just like that, it all changes…

Its not easy to just walk away from anything… And I have such a hard time with change…so maybe I should stay where I am.

I met my wife when I lived in Vegas. We knew each other for less than 6 months when we got married, moved in together and then moved to Ohio. I'm also 8 years older than her. We have been married for 13.5 years now.

I have no doubt she was nervous at the time. I was too! However, I don't remember either of us being unsure of our relationship or worried about being left high and dry. If you are worried, your relationship isn't mature enough to make a bold move like that and will most likely end in failure at (most likely) your expense!

Excellent, excellent point. I was not afraid until I got sick. Im so scared of everything anymore, plus anxiety, depression has me in its wrath at the moment. I wasn’t even worried about getting married until after diagnosis. Ugh…

What Values are you teaching them?

Marriage > commitment > love > relationship.

The above SHOULD reflect the value of each step Greatest to least. If you are willing to risk everything including your children's stability/happiness/security for the least, then there is little value in the greater.

Having your children agree to it with the promise we'll come back if it doesn't work out diminishes the value of relationship. Why does your 14 year old want a job?? Its not likely maturity, but a job does represent stability ans she could need it. Mom with a progressive and nasty disease, dad gone, Mom wanting to move without a bit of security..... Kids are only involved in adult decisions on TV, the rest of the time (especially at your kids ages) they are looking for security, stability and structure.

But hey what do I know I only raised 9 agency kids and fostered 53 more and my wife taught this age for 30+ years.

I am not sure I have much to add to Lamb's advice.....it is very wise. But I have made lots of good and bad decisions about men in my life. I have learned one thing. Only take the plunge with a man who is plugging his nose too and running right beside you to take the plunge. Relationships, marriage included, are hard enough. If they are not right beside you they are liable to land on you and your kids. Hold out for the commitment. If he is the right man he'll be back. If he isn't he isn't worth even a booty call........

I see, lamb. I’ve asked their opinion on moving because i wanted to make sure they weren’t so dead set against it, which they weren’t. The telling them we would come back if it didn’t work out is to let them know we still have this home if we hated it.

My daughter wants a job cause she want things, I cant afford. She wants to get them herself. I have to admit stability for them hasn’t been perfect but they’ve always had a roof over their heads and food in their belly…

I am not willing to sacrifice for anything less. Love, relationship is nothing without a commitment, including marriage. I get it.

Structure on the other hand is not my strength, when im laying in bed.

I do appreciate your wisdom and know that i am taking everything in.

Michael, my thoughts are the same…if it were just me it would be a different story.

I know how difficult dealing with agency and foster kids that is my field. Lots of respect to you.

And even still, im finding it hard to think it will ever work out now since last week. I’m not holding my breath cause then i will feel that it was forced.

Take it from someone who knows...don't do it! This kind of move is too hard on everyone involved and has lasting effects on the kids most of all. My "mistake" has taken 22 years to get better. My relationship has worked out well; my husband is loving and supportive and 16 years my senior. But we have had more than our fair share of hard rough roads to travel. My kids-grown now- finally have forgiven me for "uprooting" and "ruining" (their words) their lives. But I wouldn't wish anyone to go through the anguish that has been involved after I made that one decision.

As for Florida, it is not all it is cracked up to be. Jobs are not in abundance, it is expensive to live here, the schools aren't that good anymore. I am so very glad I do not have kids in school now.

Take care of yourself, and your kids...listen to Lamb's wisdom...

Best wishes to you.\, may God Bless.