The Diminished Returns

I'm not sure how I can offer hope. I suppose, it's fair enough to say that without pushing myself to quality care, I would not have fared so well in my 20's, 30's and 40's. I raised children, educated myself, had 4 beautiful grandchildren. I traveled a bit and continued to pursue hobbies. And lest I not forget the incredible careers while they lasted.

I did things that were not possible if it hadn't been for diligent efforts on my part to care for my body and my mind, to educate myself about available treatments and take risks for the sake of the now. For me it was all about that quality of life, rather than quantity.

So, for those of you that are young, those of you that would just like to see your kids graduate, do something fun like climb a mountain, there is hope. In fact more hope, because, with medical technology progressing, you will be able to benefit from even better treatment, possibly even a cure.

Perhaps there is hope yet, in this life of mine. Some miracle around the corner before my now standard treatments of biologics, etc poops out. Or perhaps this is it. I lived well and loved well. And now my body is tired, wearing out it seems in short order.

The quality and quantity seem to be gone. But what a ride it's been. And though the ride feels close to over, I am not sorry that I pushed so hard for what health and quality I gained in the years that counted most.

This sounds so melodramatic as I write it. But it is, it just is the state of my affairs. I'm worn out beyond my years, internally.

My ability to rally once again seems to have vanished. Isn't it enough to say that I have pushed through those critical years and done it well, well enough?

Isn't there a time when the horse can go to pasture, when the race is done, just letting time and fate take its course? Must I struggle always to appease others?

These are my thoughts today.

If you are over 80, then yes you can let it go. Any younger and I’m sorry, I expect you to fight on.

I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. Hang in there: your experience, wisdom and articulate thoughtfulness is an inspiration. (And what lucky kids your grandchildren are to have a smart grandmother like you!)