Reinventing the wheel

Still have newbie-itis here. I should be investigating every angle of this disease, esp. considering I work in the medical field, but it's weird -- I can almost literally feel myself shying away from it. I believe that's what's euphemistically referred to as a river in Egypt. Yeech.

My poor toes. You know, it's gotta be a hard life, being a toe. They work awfully hard. If mine had voices, they'd be whimpering and cussing these days, I think.

So even my fierce denial can't really argue with hot joints, however. I concede, this is inflammation. BUT -- I can wiggle out of it by saying that since they aren't swollen, they don't matter. Yes, I said that to three different people today. "It's no problem, they aren't swollen, just hot."

I kinda deserve someone punching me soon. But I think my mind says, If you don't know what can happen if you neglect it, it won't happen. Ugh. Brain, that is NOT TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT.

Have a rheumatologist visit in early Jan, so I guess I'll fess up then. I am very much afraid that he's going to consider me non-compliant, since I cannot take the two meds he prescribed in Sept (history of bad, bad reactions to those drug families, esp gabapentin). But I'm hoping he'll bear with me. My history with him is checkered. He's the only game in town, though, and we gotta work it out this time. I don't want to end up in a bad way.

One of these days, I won't be in denial anymore. But as stupid as it sounds, I don't think I'm there yet. I just keep saying, Aw, it'll be fine, be better tomorrow, no worries. And yet tomorrow my toes are going to keep hurting, my joints will be hot, and moving around will still be accompanied by my own little percussion session of pop-crackle-snap-snap.

Hey, at least my hands are behaving themselves. And I did cave and buy an electric can opener. My wrist is so, so very, very thankful.

You describe it well. So well.

To some extent I'm still in denial about PsA after having it for 30+ years. I take my meds, go to my dr. appts, but for the most part keep doing whatever I can do. So I'm still stunned by every flare that happens. When I feel better I go right back to ignoring the disease. I don't know if that's what has kept me going all these years, but I find it helps to not obsess too much.