The last two days have been amazing. I’m not sure if I am finally starting to feel some benefit from the Remicade infusions or if I just got incredibly lucky. It doesn’t really matter because I had two good days in a row.
The interesting thing about severe pain is how much it changes me. My whole body feels tight from my head to my toes. I am less able to appreciate my environment, my family, and even simple pleasures lose their luster. It is hard to laugh from my heart, to give or feel love and intimacy, or even just to feel peaceful and at ease. I lose track of the simple things that I used to love. I work so hard to hide how different I am on the inside, but when I look at the contrast between how I behave on my numerous bad days and my few good days, I realize that I am not really hiding anything at all.
I have definitely owned these last two days. I did those simple things that make me happy and peaceful inside. I have been able to reconnect with some of the pieces of life that make me who I am; things that i thought were lost. It isn’t possible for me to adequately express how much this short reprieve has meant to me. I am amazed at how much I miss doing simple things and how hard it has been for me to be happy, and how badly I had been faking it.
I went to the grocery store and hunted bargains. I bought another electric throw blanket on close-out. I got to treasure hunt through clearance bins, I helped make dinner last night and tonight I made dinner by myself. I watched tv and was able to laugh. I held my husband tight. I spent time with my children.
Yesterday, I was so excited that I had bearable pain that I couldn’t sleep. I was like a toddler who refuses to be tucked in, afraid she might miss something. I stayed up all night and nuggled with my hound while we watched the Discovery Channel together. I snickered when he started to snore and woo, woo, woo during his sleep.
Two short days, 48 hours of peace and pain that doesn’t make me want to escape from my body. I can feel happy things again. My mind and heart feel so peaceful again. I feel like the “me” that had been trapped inside on a rainy day finally got to go out for recess.
I know it may not last very long; this comfortable time. I have made up my mind that it’s ok. I desperately needed to feel whole, even if the relief was only temporary. If that’s all I can have right now, I will take it. I was lucky enough to be given a little freedom, and it has been awesome. This brief escape for the pain will give me something to hold onto and wish for when my world decides to tilt off of its axis.