Originally from my site Hurtblogger.tumblr.com, please visit!
Warning: I’m cracked out on Valium. After wrestling with my feelings on being ‘invisible’ all week I was rudely slammed into the visible category. Waiting at a red light on the way to see my neurologist for one invisible problem, an overly inpatient motorist began honking at us to turn while there was obviously too much traffic in the way. Our chance came, the crosswalk lit up, and folks started walking when the overly inpatient a-hole took his car and rammed us into the the crosswalk. My head flew backwards into the seat, and a resounding WHAT THE HELL rang through the air. Amazingly the old curmudgeon pulled over and reluctantly gave us his info, and said “Sorry for the rude awakening to LA” as if he had done us a favor initiating us into the city.
A headache grows at the base of my skull, and my stiff-necked conversations become possible only from straight on. Yet I still feel guilty for even thinking of filing some claim against this guy’s insurance. Why?! I deal with pain everyday and I can tough this one out too, right? I didn’t ask for this though.
At urgent care the mood was overwhelmingly in my favor after they hear my tale, “Screw that guy!” The doc takes one look at me, hears I have arthritis and sends me straight to the ER, he wants no chances with this. Fast tracked at the ER, x-ray 1-2-3. Everything looks good, but got to stop the swelling so my nerves quit freaking out. Trying to find a medicine to prescribe me is like searching for a needle in the haystack cause I’m “on the big guns.” They settle on Valium, mild interactions, but at least it will chill out my freaked out muscles and nerves. No painkillers for me because I allergic to everything in between mild and IV. Slapping on this fall’s latest collection in soft neck brace chic, I’m sent home with more prescribed rest.
Then it happens - I’m suddenly visible. The world looks on me with pitiful eyes, and I can’t help but muster a half smile with my now squished up cheeks, they have no clue! Doors fling open for me, people move out of my way bowing in sympathy, a spot is cleared for me at the pharmacy waiting area, idle chatter about how bad I must be feeling, a lawyer hands me his card and advises me not to sign any papers as “this isn’t over for you”. Little does he know it’s never over for me.
This sudden help from strangers has me questioning what it would be like to live with visible chronic pain. Would that lawyer also be willing to go to bat for improved arthritis research? I’ve been given a rare glimpse of the visible status, and I’ll tell you what, I’ll stay invisible. It’s already hard enough hearing ‘medical advice’ from people close to me, “My aunt Edna takes glucosamine and chondroitin and she has no pain! You should do that!” Right. Why didn’t I think of that? I can’t imagine hearing it from strangers everyday. I rather them see me for me, and not my disease.
What I do want is this: strangers to care enough about each other to realize that they can never possibly know what is going on in each others’ lives, and therefore just be kind. Open doors, offer to help, lend a helping hand, because sometimes that’s all people need to turn their crappy pain-ridden day around.
I am slowly getting better, and I’ve kept a little mum about what’s going on on my blog due to insurance reasons. The wreck retriggered my complex migraines, I’ve been getting several a week and losing vision with them. BUT my doc has me going to this great clinic that features eastern and western medicine. So I’ve been getting acupuncture, injections, and learning acupressure as well as de-stressing techniques to calm my muscles. It appears to be working as I haven’t lost my vision in 5 days! Thanks for the caring 