I feel like I could scream some days. My wife just had surgery and is not feeling well and she wanting some pampering She just had a double mastectomy.. I just had spinal fusion of my L2-L3. The only pampering I am doing is trying to contain the itch of the surgical tape. I ask her how she feels, but it is always I feel good. I now have hives over 60 % of my body. My wife starts Chemo on Friday and I can not help her. I feel useless, inadequate....and many others. How do I comfort my wife. She is like a bulldozer in a chine shop. She plows her way through every thing. She does not care who is in the way unless it is our grand daughter. I have been in a ruff spot for about 3 years now. I can just barely walk and care for myself, our neighbors have been great. But I have trouble making a diner from frozen meals. How do I do this. Her emotions are totally exposed, and she wants someone to pay attention to her. She franticly cleans before someone arrives at the house. I try my best to help he but this is not much I can do. How do I calm her down.
Sorry if this is hard to read but pain med's and anti itch is not a good combination.
I don't mean to be harsh here but of course thats what women do. Anything but deal with the issues at hand. Clean house do laundry etc etc. Its a natural form of denial. the best thing you can do is get the heck out of her way and keep your mouth shut and let her do her thing without your help (as badly as it may turn out) They accuse men of being obsessed with breasts, but there are few women like my daughter in - law who announced she was glad to be rid of them as they had been nothing but a nuisance since sixth grade. She has been through the change I would guess, she has lost her breasts, they can't do the reconstruction, there is very little of "her womanness" left. (So she thinks)
Imagine being a high school football player/jock waking up with your testicles gone some morning and having to face your peers in the public showers thats how she feels every minute of every day......
Yeah you want to do all you can for her. The honest truth is the more you try and do for her that she used to doing her self, the more of her ego and self worth that chips away. I don't have any answers BTW Usually there are sisters and girl friends that can surround her that get it.
In the meantime if you are over 60, call senior service and get on their senior meals route. The attention she wants is to make sure you still see HER. Once you get your feelings under control, acknowledges hers. I'd bet a nickle the hives go away. Talk to her oncology team, they usually have a pallative team that can get you through this and peer groups for your wife as well.
Oh wow. You're in a tough place right now. Seems like you and your wife need to talk about expectations. Yours revolve around wanting to help and care for her and yourself and feeling unable. And hers about a need to keep up appearances--both about her health and your home.
My spouse and I have two sayings:
"everyone needs staff". Now is the time to engage yours.
"send it to committee". Call on those you trust for the help you need to move forward.
I wish you and your wife much peace as you figure out a way to muddle through and to cut yourselves some much needed slack.
You sound frustrated with your limitations and your wife's drive to carry on as normally as possible. Letting go of expectations of yourself and your wife (and her herself and you) might help you a lot. You have listed what you can't do - what can you do? Send her flowers (can be done online) or a tea basket or something that will cheer her up or help pamper her. Enlist help of friends and family to help clean, drop off ready-to-eat dinners at the appropriate time, and to send encouraging cards to your wife so she can get a daily dose of encouragement and love. Reassure her that it's ok for her to take it easy - that she deserves to take it easy. Find out what services you and your wife qualify for and make use of them.
I am going to make the best of thing regardless of the circumstance but your outlook has been wonderful. She gets her first Chemo today. I hope and pray that she has a good experience. Our neighbors and family are just wonderful they bring in meals. Two of my sister and our Daughter have said they would come and help me clean. This is the part that is hard for my wife to let go. For example she has done the laundry this morning sometime between 4: am and now. She is also working from home today. She is a strong willed person and will not relax. I asked the appropriate person(s) to release her from some of her weekly activities. She was on the local planning commission for 22 years so now I am, She also taught an adult Sunday school class on Gospel doctrine for four year, I put a bug in our Bishop ear and he released her. Besides driving me to all my Dr. appointment. The scary part of this whole thing is if something where to happen to her. She is my rock.