I am depressed. I know I am because I am also crippled by it. I am at the lying in bed doing nothing point. Yes, I do know how deadly that is. Which is why I need to figure out how to get out of bed and doing anything. I am, as I have always been, my worst enemy, so it figures that I am depressed.
Here goes-I hate my house! Now, don't get me wrong. I love my home, and I blessed beyond measure. I hate that I cannot clean, organize, DO in my house. I haven't been able to for some years, so it is messy, disorganized, and not up to my stupid standards of perfection that were imposed on me by my (bless her in Heaven) perfectionist mother. I feel that I cannot have people over-at least without a huge apology to them. I mean, dear hubby is doing more than all he can to keep thing going and teenager daughter is helping so much, but she is not training the fine art of perfectionist homemaking. God bless her, I have not expressed my frustrations to her and won't, so I internalize all this and it depresses me--and makes me sicker-which is stupid and self-destructive. God help me and my obsessive ways. Please tell me there are some of you like me out there. If not, I will have to sign myself into the nearest psychiatric ward until the obsessiveness passes.
I think there are probably a lot of people like you out there! Is it 'obsessive'? Or more that you want to be the person you've always been, like we all do?
I'm not too fussy on the housekeeping front. But I do get depressed about other stuff. I used to enjoy heavy work, knocking down walls and carting the bricks away, major gardening ... that sort of thing. Just the sheer physicality of it and the simple, healthy exhaustion and sense of achievement that followed. But at least that wasn't a daily occurrence like housework is so I doubt that bugs me as much as not having a perfect home upsets you.
I do however keep my eyes open and take everything in when I go to other peoples' houses. It's revealing sometimes how nice the atmosphere is in some homes despite downright sloppy housekeeping that is even worse than mine. And that makes me resolve to be completely unapologetic when people come round to my house and focus instead on trying to make them feel comfortable and welcome.
You're showing such a lot of self-knowledge in your post. Do you reckon you might be on the cusp of tackling these crippling feelings? Kind of sounds a bit like that. I think this is a really interesting post, so direct and real. And I really feel for you. Something's got to give because this is just so hard on you. There's surely got to be a way around the thwarted perfectionism.
Oh yes, yes, yes! I remember other discussions here about the struggles we have keeping our homes together ... I'm pretty sure our conclusion was 'staff'. Getting in as much help as you can afford. It has saved my sanity .... cleaner, decorator, gardener. And if money is short even seeing if local college kids will come in for work experience can make a difference.
I'm a perfectionist control freak so it's been hard, very hard, to relinquish control and accept that what they do is good enough. It's a lesson PsA has taught me.