Bad and Worse

My hands are hurting so much today. I just don't know what to do. My rheumy told me to get another doctor because he feels that although I desperately need to be on a biologic, he is certain that doing so will kill me. I tend to get really major infections and had endocarditis (an infected heart valve) the last time i was on Enbrel. I would so much rather have a few good years now and then go to be with the Lord soon, then to have a long stretch of gradually decompensating until I"m not able to do anything at all.

Pain has been horrible. Thank God for Morphine.
I really want to have a container herb garden again this year. In fact, yesterday I bought a bunch of herbs. I dread the thought of transplanting them into the containers. It will kill my hands and shoulders. I may have to have a friend come over who can help me.
I"m so tired of having jobs that need to be done that I can't do. Like raking my yard. Like picking up all the sticks from a fallen tree in our yard after the hurricane. Thank God I have someone who helps me clean my house. I can't imagine what it would be like if I didn't have her. She is going to be moving soon. It will be hard to replace her.

I have to really think about what to do about the biologic. It's possible I won't find ANY doctor who is willing to prescribe one. I don't want to live in a nursing home. I don't think there's any way I could AFFORD to live in a nursing home. Worse than that thought is the thought of being stranded in my house, unable to do anything and having no one to care for me. It is not fair to expect my daughter to.And right now she has her own issues with possible cervical cancer. O Lord, it's such a mess!