Okay, as one PTSD to another, I've found that the best way to keep the memories at bay is to allow yourself to remember stuff...at a safe, controlled place and rate (like with your therapist.) It seems that the more you do this, the worse it feels at first, like you're gonna die from the anxiety...but then the PTSD loosens its tentacles some and you no longer are tormented by it. Yes, it's still there, and yes, you need to do your work but it no longer feels like it controls you and takes you on those horrible flashbacks all of the time. You can do it, Gemma. You're a smart, hard working person, from what I can tell from your writing. Just go on the journey with someone safe. Others have done it and come through it. You can too.
As for your job and hopes...they are wonderful. But you also have to bear in mind that you need to take care of YOURSELF and your illness. I found that the harder I worked and the more I ignored my physical state, the sicker I got, until I could no longer work full-time. So, try to not put yourself there. Take the breaks you need. Rest. Allow yourself to acknowledge that you have this disease and you need to take care of yourself.
Did you go to the doctor today? Am wondering how that went?
Oh yes, and you have told people. It's a big step. Congratulate yourself. And take care of yourself.
got app for tues just for bloods. seen therapist this morn again and had a good chat. she wants me to get signed off and have a break. i not ready for that yet. apart from her i have not told anyone how physically and mentally ill i feel. i leep a lot of secrets i am a vunerable person anyway so i dont let anyone know anything about me. its easier and safer. i think all the latest therapy is just stiring things up. after years i have to face my childhood.
Gemma, glad to hear that you got those blood tests taken. Good step!
Sounds like you're in good hands with your therapist. She seems to understand what's going on with you.
Just remember, those secrets just keep feeling darker and darker and darker, the longer you hold onto them. And you get a tremendous sense of relief once you start talking about them and let them out.
So glad that you have a therapist that you feel so comfortable with. Just remember that we are not here to judge or attack, yes, I know that we may come on a bit strong when we fear someone is in trouble, and needs to get to medical care, but as a group we have very strong shoulders!
Hopefully the blood work will tell Docs what they need to know.
This is an ordeal, physical, mental, emotional... Besides the disease upsets everything, turns it all upside down, and that is exhausting, keeping it all to yourself is exhausting! This is all a very big load for even the very strongest to carry, Gem.
i know im loosing it. i cant go on like this anymore. im so depresed. im so scared. eveything is just too much but i cant stop. everything will fall apart. i hope they find out what wrong in my bloods in tues. maybe being sick and having to do psychology is just too much. i really cant cope. no matter how much they push i cant remember what happened in that room. just pictures in my head that i cant talk about. im litterally goin mad. god i need some sleep :( :,(
I am not a medical professional, but I do know this, the mind protects you from things that you are not yet prepared to deal with. Not sure you should be 'pushed'.
My husband is a Viet Nam combat vet, they have seen about as bad as it gets, no one had pushed him about things that he or the entire platoon have no recollection of.
What one Doctor did with him, and I will be forever grateful,and it has helped more than anything, is they told him to build in his mind the strongest box with a lid and a lock that he could, and to know that whatever he put in there, it could never get out and no longer harm him, or anyone else in any way.
It has made the biggest difference in him, he suffers PTSD, nearly all combat vets do, but many people who aren't vets do too. We all fear something, may I suggest that even if you don't know what happened in that room, just start putting it in your strong box, ANY fear, try even putting some of the pain in there too!
Chronic pain, illness, trauma, all of these things can bring up things that we even thought that we had long ago resolved and just compound everything, just shoot the stress and anxiety through the roof! Really!
Build your box, work on this, in the meantime, talk to us if you want. We are all here for you, Gem.
thanks i love this site it is liyyerally saving my life at the moment. it is the only place i can be honest and myself. im so sick of pretending to be fine and taking on more and more because i cant say no because i have to please people. apparently it common in abuse patients. i sick of being such a looser. smileing when inside im crying. i just cant take much more. thank you for all your kind words ad support. your all amazing. i hope i have ur strength when the diesese gets hold of me properly again. im so fustrated that my mind is spoiling the time i have when my body is behaving...sort of behaving. apart from no grip or strength in my whole body i can do most things just slowly. i can walk miles when 2 years ago i couldnt walk to the bathroom. im so lucky my meds r working. i really hope its not them makig me so sick. i need them. x x x
Well, remember what Rich told you, go back and look at it again, he and others gave you some very good info on how to try to take this to avoid getting so sick, MX did me no good, so you have to take their advice on that, as it helps/helped them.
Gemma, no loser could have ever thought of doing what you have already accomplished, really, you need to take another look at yourself in a better light, and the best way we teach our children is through example.
You need to have a good clean out, girlfriend, stop being so hard on yourself and so accomodating to others. Right now you have to put you and your kids first, forget everybody else, you don't/won't let them in anyway, so what does that tell you, you don't plan on a whole lot of understanding, or help in any way from them!
Maybe walking miles is a bit much for you right now, ya know? I think at one time most of us have been so sick we could barely get to the bathroom, even with help.
Honey if you can't pretend anymore, then don't!!! Who can you be if you can't be yourself?
sorry for complaining im just tired. kids in bed now but i live in a pub. my husband the chef and my broter runs the bar and i have just been called to help out. n of course i said yes i can physically do it at the mo so i have no excuse. all i wanted was my bed. thanks for chat. prob spk tomorrow. x xhopefully im not down there long. x x not in pain but feeling pritty week. bloody iron tabs prob not working x
Well, maybe a LITTLE work will actually help you right now, it may take your mind off things for a moment, and tire you enough to go to sleep. I worked in the food & beverage/hospitality industry for much of my younger life. Have never been to a 'real pub' though, just an American version.
Now on to the iron deficiency. Doc told me that the leading cause of iron deficency now is the fact that we no longer cook our food in cast iron skillets and pots, so that is an idea for you.
Come back and talk when you can, there is nearly always someone here to talk to, and EVERYONE here is just the best! So please feel at home here and know that we all welcome you and will do all we can.
Stay strong, stay focused, and build that strong box!
Hi Gemma. I don't think your mind is betraying you. I think it is letting you know that now that the body is somewhat better, it is still there and ready for you, when you are ready for it. And that doesn't mean pushing to remember. You can even tell your therapist to slow down if she's going too fast with the trauma stuff. I did find, though, that once I talked about my stuff, the stupid flashbacks came less and less, and were less and less insidious. Now I seldom have them.
Work at a pace that's comfortable to you, even if it's a snail's pace. But don't give up, because that's when the ugly stuff returns. It pretends to feel better for a little while, relieved that its evil tentacles aren't being removed , but then it poisons you more and more with its nasty business. Remember, baby steps work fine! I think that most of us do use baby steps, especially at first, because it's PAINFUL to remember that stuff.
And btw, remember YOU are not a loser, the stupid ABUSE is the loser. THAT is what feels bad and make you THINK you are the loser. And it is a PRO at making people think they are bad, losers etc. Remember...baby steps away from it.
I've been like you, always trying to please people but you need to also find a way to please yourself. Life is too short to not have some rightfully deserved happiness.
BTW, are you on any anti-depressants? Are you able to take them? Because I'm sensing that they aren't really kicking in right. You might want to speak to your therapist about this. I can't speak for you but I know for myself that I am a different person entirely when off mine. I went for a LONG time without them, denying I needed them. I guess it was my way of still allowing the past to own me. Now that I'm on them and on the right kind and dose, I feel so much better, so much more inner peace and forgiveness - to myself and the world.
Hope that's helped a bit. Wishing you the absolute best with the test results.
had bloods today but nurse not a clue what methotrexate or psa was. she said she only does bloods. but at least she got me an appointment to see dr tomorrow. she said my blood presure very low n m pale. called dr on mon and this morn desperatly trying to get app. a week on fri was earliest but thanks to what looked like a 8 year old nurse im seeing someone tomorrow. thank god. ssun mon and today been the hardest. im so dizzy i can hardly move and i have no energy to. just layed on sofa feeling guilty about all things i should be doing. i cant wait until tomorrow i feel so so ill. wont get bloods til monday though. hopefully dr can help tomorrow. :( my head killing so gonna go . thanks everyone x x
hi. not been any worse or better. still waiting on test results will have them back mon or tues. family noticing how sick i am and keep telling me to take it easy and rest more......they say this but dont offer o take my kids to school or pick em up or do a spot of housework. so still plodding on just sit down when im dizzy n throw up every so often then carry on. had no methotrexate this week on dr orders so that might be why im no getting worse. hopefull i will start to feel better then i can take it again. how long off meds does it take ot get worse again? im so frightened of waking up stiffer than normal nnot being able to walk again.
Not feeling any worse is a good thing! It's a start. You are not drinking alcohol with it are you?because that can make you so, so sick and is very dangerous! If you like to have a pint, this is NOT the med for you!
I cannot tell you how long the MX will stay in your system. Perhaps the dose was too high, it is only a guess on my part as in taking it for 4 months, felt no better and was taken off, put on Enbrel. I know there are others who have taken it alone, or as a combination and it has helped them tremendously.
As far as help goes, you may have to ask for it, and keep asking for it. It is very difficult to learn to do, and even if you get good at asking for help, doesn't mean that you will get it, or get enough of it, too bad the kids can't ride the school bus, that would be a big help!
I know that you are frightened, it is a frightening disease! Lets hope that the Doctor has figured out a plan and that you will be on the mend very soon.
You can talk to me anytime, on a discussion, you can click my photo and go to my page, leave me a message on my board, or you can leave me a private message if we made friends, I cannot remember for sure, but I think we are. Sorry, so many to keep track of and I get the 'PsA brain or Fibro fog' going sometimes! Or as my grandson calls it, my DAH moment! LOL!