It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't

General Blog
1

Several times I've repeated myself, like some sort of demented parrot, to friends and family members a like. My new mantra seems to be 'It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't.'

No, I'm not being lazy. No, I'm not having a holiday in my room and laying around for the sheer fun of it. No, I'm not sleeping through out the day because, why not?

There is nothing more I would love than being able to run around and do all the things I could do even a few years ago without a care in the world. Sadly, that privilege has been taken from me with my PsA. Being trapped in my home because I can't deal with pain or exhaustion is not my idea of fun.

So having to explain myself time and time again to a family member that no, I'm not refusing your invitation to do a thing because I want to sleep my life away right now, it's because my energy levels are so low and my joints so sore that the idea of having to do the thing is wearing me down already.

It's nothing against the person and yet they take it so personally? My illness is not my one way ticket out of anything I don't want to do. I desperately want to be able to do these things and not collapse like a wounded deer at the end of it all.

I wish people would stop for a second and realise that even though I don't look sick. I am.

I really am.

2

Teddi, if it helps I've got two blogs on my page ... the first is an 'open letter' and the second one I called 'please' ... you are very welcome to share these with your friends and family with a "see, this is what it's like" type comment.

3

Great rant, Teddi. We all have these moments when we have to repeat ourselves over and over--sometimes for others but often for ourselves--to explain that: We. Just. Cannot. At. All.

Don't lose sight of the fact that for many of us there are ebbs and flows in our disease. Sometimes we can't Sometimes we can. Be ready for the days when you have more juice. And use it wisely! Best to you.

4

You've already jumped the biggest hurdle and that is admitting to yourself that you can't. As for others .... well, it's up to them, but you are saying all the right things!

Now that fatigue's not so bad I'm in a different place. Not so much 'I can't', more 'I will, but if it gets really tough halfway through I'll have to deal with it somehow'. Ongoing learning process!