I’ve noticed that on this site, and indeed, the general population at large that having some form of abuse in your past, be it physical, sexual, mental or psychological, can affect how you perceive yourself.
Self esteem and self worth are tools we need in everyday life, how much harder life can be when these have been undermined.
So has any past abuse affected how you deal with this disease? Has it made it harder to cope? Has it made you accept blame? Has it made it easier? Is it harder to ask for help?
I can honestly say I find it very hard to ask for help, I’m still not sure if it because I can berate myself for not “doing better”. I have still to remind myself I’m worth it, or is that cos I’m just plain stubborn! Lol
I do think a history of abuse affects our self worth and our ability to ask for help. I think if we have "worked on" some of this we are better able to ask for help and accept it when it is offered. The "working on" can be with a pastor or a therapist but needs to be a professional in my opinion. There is so much work we have to do ourselves but I believe a professional needs to guide us.
I’m fortunate not to have been a victim of abuse, so I can’t answer to that part of your question, Louise. But stress, now that’s a different matter. I dealt with some pretty awful job stress which coincided with the onset of my (undiagnosed at the time) PsA, and an eldercare nightmare just when I got so bad that they were finally able to diagnose me. I don’t think that’s coincidental. And job and eldercare stress pales in comparison with abuse.
Coping, self-blame, asking for help … I’m not a survivor of abuse, but I do know that my stubbornness and my insistence that I could cope with anything delayed my diagnosis. I blamed myself for not being perfect – not eating right 100% of the time, not being able to lose weight (so of course my knees were deteriorating), not making time to exercise, not doing more for my dementing Mother who had a brain tumour, etc. Creating my own stress, of course! Stubborn? Who, me? And we know without much doubt the effect that stress has on auto-immune disease.
I guess my biggest “project” in dealing with PsA has been learning to ask for help and cutting myself slack when I need it. I’m not finding that easy, and it must be so much harder for someone who has been a victim of abuse. I ache for you.
That’s very true Michael, think working with a professional gives you safety to work at your own speed as well, lets face it, its usually a" work in progress." I regularly ask for help and it does become easier…still some way to go though
Cutting ourselves some slack…that really is a hard thing to do Seenie isn’t it.
But hopefully most of us get through to see sense and do do the cutting in the end…
Self worth definately makes a difference to how we treat ourselves especially if we suffer a chronic disease.
We wouldn’t dream of expecting, for example, a stroke victim to be always fully functioning but we can expect that of ourselves at times…aren’t we humans complicated!
I agree stress is a huge trigger and what could be more stressful than abuse and trying to figure out whither to go or stay and what part you had in making it happen. That is a big part of the mind set we need help with, "I caused this".
I have been thinking lately how our greatest strength in some weird trick becomes our greatest fault. I haven't thought my way totally through this but see if I can explain it a bit: my mental strength is one of my strengths. It helped me go on for years adapting and coping as PsA reved up. But that same strength is also my stubborness that prevents me from asking for help or admitting to temporary defeat.
That dang stubborness that causes us such grief may indeed what helps us contain and tame the beast PsA.
Oh yes, Michael. Professional support, especially for extremely complex problems like abuse, lends a detachment that gives unbiased clarity. I spent many years on the board of directors of a women’s shelter, and I always stood in awe of the strong and accomplished women who worked there.
As for our weakness being our strength, for sure! These days, I see my “assignment” as being able to ask for help (whether that is actually asking, or deciding to do something like use my mobility aids). I’m trying to get stubborn about doing that. Am I succeeding? LOL, sometimes!
I don’t know. My history of abuse used to affect everything in my life, and I kept on choosing abusers as partners. When I finally broke that cycle and learned that I could survive on my own, and that I wasn’t all of those awful things, I really started to heal and grow. I did some pretty amazing things that first year. The more I did, the stronger I became. I am fully able to stand on my own two feet and my relationship I am in with my husband is one that I choose to be in, not one of necessity.
I do not think it affects my disease. I am thankful every day that my onset waited until I was with the right person. I would not have been able to survive if I was still being abused. It does make me more determined. I also have little tolerance for abuse of any kind, now. If I see or hear something I don’t like, I WILL say something about it. I really like the person I have become. I won’t go back.
I have been working with a Therapist since diagnosis. She has walked through all of this with me. Is my disease all we discuss? No. A whole can of worms from previous issues are being worked through as well, including abuse. She has been professional, helpful and supportive through everything. In my dark days, when depression and this disease were all I saw, she saved me. I was ready to call it all off and "check out". She helped me with coping tools, a support group and saved my arse.
My old rheum, the one I really loved (she retired) said anyone with a chroonic illness that has no cure should be in counseling. Given the benefit I have received - I would agree.
Lol its a tangled web Michael…I consider myself very strong mentally, but I often believe I’m mentally strong because of surviving prolonged abuse as a child and 25 years with a psychologically abusive husband. So am I stubborn because I’ve learnt to rely on just me? Or because I feel guilty at my lack of get up and go. Has my past made me a self reliant, independent happy woman…yes I think it has. Think a woke up and thought " Duck this for a bunch of soldiers!" another English saying but there’s not usually a bird in that phrase ;)I like the person I am now and I’ve not always been able to say that
Hey Seenie, you could set us all that assignment think I’m gonna adopt that frame of mind…your assignment this month is…
Seenie said:
Oh yes, Michael. Professional support, especially for extremely complex problems like abuse, lends a detachment that gives unbiased clarity. I spent many years on the board of directors of a women’s shelter, and I always stood in awe of the strong and accomplished women who worked there.
As for our weakness being our strength, for sure! These days, I see my “assignment” as being able to ask for help (whether that is actually asking, or deciding to do something like use my mobility aids). I’m trying to get stubborn about doing that. Am I succeeding? LOL, sometimes!
Glad counselling id helping you…best thing I ever did, and I wouldn’t think twice about restarting if I need to
debbie said:
I have been working with a Therapist since diagnosis. She has walked through all of this with me. Is my disease all we discuss? No. A whole can of worms from previous issues are being worked through as well, including abuse. She has been professional, helpful and supportive through everything. In my dark days, when depression and this disease were all I saw, she saved me. I was ready to call it all off and “check out”. She helped me with coping tools, a support group and saved my arse.
My old rheum, the one I really loved (she retired) said anyone with a chroonic illness that has no cure should be in counseling. Given the benefit I have received - I would agree.
Good on you Grumpy…I think often it can be a case of takes one to know one, I can often spot people who are or have been abused fairy soon after meeting them.
GrumpyCat said:
I don’t know. My history of abuse used to affect everything in my life, and I kept on choosing abusers as partners. When I finally broke that cycle and learned that I could survive on my own, and that I wasn’t all of those awful things, I really started to heal and grow. I did some pretty amazing things that first year. The more I did, the stronger I became. I am fully able to stand on my own two feet and my relationship I am in with my husband is one that I choose to be in, not one of necessity.
I do not think it affects my disease. I am thankful every day that my onset waited until I was with the right person. I would not have been able to survive if I was still being abused. It does make me more determined. I also have little tolerance for abuse of any kind, now. If I see or hear something I don’t like, I WILL say something about it. I really like the person I have become. I won’t go back.
I have been working with a Therapist since diagnosis. She has walked through all of this with me. Is my disease all we discuss? No. A whole can of worms from previous issues are being worked through as well, including abuse. She has been professional, helpful and supportive through everything. In my dark days, when depression and this disease were all I saw, she saved me. I was ready to call it all off and "check out". She helped me with coping tools, a support group and saved my arse.
My old rheum, the one I really loved (she retired) said anyone with a chroonic illness that has no cure should be in counseling. Given the benefit I have received - I would agree.
The maze of seeking treatment and diagnosis and being refused by the the medical community of "admitting" that they know less about autoimmune disease and treatment than they need to is its own kind of abuse and neglect. How many of us have been afraid to talk, ask, and speak about things and times in our lives when we were accommodating, even when it wasn't in our own best interests? I still seek a diagnosis, and a P.A. that I see whose sister suffers from autoimmune disease said it well: "The medical community tends to deny what they can't fix." So I head out into the world of doctor shopping on my own. I find support and care from those who are willing to give me their time and/or care (and I will pay for it, you can be sure of that.) Some support will be from a support group, a friend, and possibly alternative medicine. I am willing to admit that there are times I cannot stand the pain. I am considering my alternatives to medication, as I am not one who likes to take pills. As a person with a counseling degree, I know there are resources and I will pursue them as necessary. I also am learning to say a magic word: NO.
agree with that michael. survivor of abuse makes us stronger,more stubborn or at least for me it has.Makes me say 'you will not win this one PsA' ..but that stubbornness makes me hate to ask for help too.
think I’m gonna adopt that frame of mind…your assignment this month is…