Does your partner "get it"?

Hey fellow strugglers. Does your partner understand what you’re going through? Do they really get, that it hurts as heck all the time and even when the pain is mild, you are wiped out by the fatigue?
My pain tolerance is high and I don’t like to complain, like at all. Even at my worst, whenever someone asks how I am, I force a big smile and say I’m fine! Sometimes, I want to scream or say exactly what’s going on with me, but my mouth just won’t let me! :slight_smile:
But when it comes to my husband, he is genuinely concerned and asks me questions like “what does the pain feel like?” and truly tries to understand… for about 5 minutes at a time, then it’s business as usual!!! It’s driving me insane! It’s as if it mustn’t be that bad, if I’m not complaining. He keeps asking me to do stuff and gets frustarted, if I say I can’t.
How about your significant other?

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My wife seems to understand but only because she has severe OA ,so she knows all about the pain. The thing I think she has a hard time with is the fatigue because she does not seem to have any.
I know just a few years ago if someone told me of all the issues I have now I wouldn’t of got it either.

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Hmm. My husband has always been really good, if a bit protective. Sad to say, he’s recently been diagnosed with PsA as well. He’ll definitely be able to get it. The good news for him is that I’m 10 years ahead of him, plus I have access to this great support group.

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Hi Nermada, it sounds like your husband has great potential! Sounds a bit like he’s currently ticking boxes with his questions rather than completely taking on board what you’re experiencing, but he is showing awareness and that truly is a start. I guess it’s a learning curve.

My husband is incapable of reading instruction leaflets e.g. for constructing flat pack furniture. I don’t really think of myself as an Ikea bookcase, but I rather assumed he’d avoid reading anything about PsA too or that if he did he wouldn’t take it in & his understanding would be permanently wonky & tend to fall down. To my astonishment he has amazing recall of everything he hears or reads about the disease as well as of the things I tell him. Respect! More importantly he just lets me get on with it whether I’m doing all the right things or not & if I need a helping hand he’s there.

I’ve been known to get a bit antsy at appointments when he’s had the audacity to speak and, even worse, said things like ‘we’ve had good results with this or that drug’. A bit like when women’s partners say ‘we’re pregnant’ which completely fazes me. Anyway I like it when Mr Perfect falls off his pedestal.

Maybe it’d be worth letting that (admirable) smile droop just occasionally?


Mine thinks he gets it… Which is way worse… He has palindromic reumatism which gives him a lot of pain in 1 joint for a few days… And that a few times a year… He thinks he understands pain… he also thinks his pain is much worse then mine… his pain comes with swelling which makes it hard to move the joint… So because I can still move it must hurt less…

He keeps getting infections and can’t clean it properly because it hurts too much… I can’t imagine anything hurting that much… I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed and one got badly infected… I had to use a syringe to push liquid in to flush out any dirt… Which I did… a couple of times a day…

He thinks that because if you tap me on the shoulder in the wrong spot and I cry out in pain that whenever I’m in pain it feels like you would tap him on the shoulder…

I would never say my pain is worse then his… He can’t handle his pain so I would say his is worse… but I’d like a little recognition that my pain is real…

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That’s got to be so frustrating.

He gets it. Problem is, he’s the caregiver and a vet on the PTSD spectrum and his frustrations as caregiver are not mine.

After his (awful) blow-up two Fridays ago–the day after my birthday, four days before my epidural to help the C1-C2, C2-C3 issues, the very first time he ever said he was tired of me being in pain–he realized that he’s had too many episodes of irrational anger and found someone to speak with.

Notwithstanding the fact that we’ve been together nearly 38 years, this one has left us both a bit raw and feeling our way through. Neither of us is going anywhere but he desperately needs the outlet, the same way I did when I found a psychologist last year.

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I have had fibromyalgia for more than ten years, before PsA was added to my list, so I’ve kind of been dealing with pain and fatigue for a while. I think my husband summed it up, when he said the following to me very recently, “I’ve got to keep in mind, I guess, that you actually have a disease! You’re not just tired and will get over it with some rest!”


Stoney, that truly sucks!! But what are the odds, right?!!

If I had known what I know now. .


Cynthia, I get it!! Sometimes, you want to scream out, “it’s not a competition! !!!” Ridiculous! A couple of weeks ago, my husband got a nasty tooth infection. He was punching walls, pacing, popping pills like a mad man. When I had a tooth infection, I was still “mom”, still went to work, made dinner and didn’t make a peep. So, even though, the pain was comparable, I guess, his was worse?!! It’s like the age-old question, “how many lick does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?”, the world may never knooooow! :smile:


I’m so sorry that happened to you! That saying “sticks and stones…etc”, soooo not true!
Some words can be very hard to forget even long after they’ve been forgiven!
Why is it so hard to convince men to seek therapy?! I guess the word itself may make it seem like they need to be fixed? I don’t know, I personally don’t think therapy in the traditional sense works for me, but I use it to vent and have someone tell me, that I’m not crazy!!! Hahaha!
I also started seeing a psychologist last year, long overdue, I suppose. And sounds like your hubby truly needs the outlet as well. I hope your feelings heal real soon!

I totally agree with you! It drives me insane, but then again that’s a pretty short drive to begin with! :wink:

Currently working on that! Just kidding, I’d rather stay strong for my family for as long as I can. I have a very good sense of humor and usually I’m able to turn any situation around (when I was in labor with my oldest child, in between contractions, I was quoting funny labor scenes from movies and had the whole room in stitches! I don’t know why I do it, but that’s me) but I would really appreciate a bit more leeway, when I CAN’T do something.

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Don’t stay strong for too long… if you don’t give yourself a little slack now you’ll break down altogether from trying to stay strong too long… You can’t pour from an empty cup…

I feel like I have to defend my pain like it IS a competition… If I don’t then I’m already behind… I don’t want to say that he’s being a baby when he can’t stand it when I try to get a splinter out and he keeps flinching… But then he turns around and tells me I don’t know real pain?! It’s the same with bugs… He says he’s not afraid… but hes more paranoid about them then me! He does get them out though… he keeps saying he just thinks there gross… but it’s a definite panic reaction when he sees any…

It’s like when 2 kids make a test and one doesn’t study at all and gets top marks and another studies really really hard and only just passed… The second kid should be put on the pedestal!!! Not the first… he’s slacking off and performing under his potential! And it’s the same with everything else! People get applauded for being able to talk in front of groups when they just naturally can do that without any effort… That’s like congratulating someone on winning at a slots machine… it’s great that you won but it didn’t take any skill…

It’s not like I want congratulations or applause for walking to the bus stop… But it’s nice to have some recognition that it takes me 100 times more effort then someone else…

It’s not like I want everyone to do everything for me… But for someone else they wouldn’t even notice picking something up and throwing it away… But when I drop something I get so fucking frustrated because it hurts so much to pick it up… I work with blood bags… and about 3 times a year someone drops one and its like a murder scene… blood everywhere… (when you think of how many bags we move each day it’s a miracle the number is that low) but if that would happen to me I wouldn’t be able to clean that up… Not without taking hours and hours… I honestly think I would have a break down…


Oh, Cynthia. I get it, believe me. Every single word in your post resonated with me! My husband was a lot like yours, A LOT! And for the most part he still is, but we’ve been together 26 years, which I attribute completely to my enormous patience!!! :wink:
It took almost 20 years of this quarter century for him to tone the complaints down, because it’s NOT a competition. He reverts back every now and then and it takes a lot out of me , not to scream “woman up!”, but I try to be respectful of his pain, as sometimes I wish he would be of mine, you know. When I lose my patience, I just stay away.
I feel that this is really hurting you, which is completely understandable. Have you tried maybe talking to him? Sometimes, they truly are clueless that their words come down like swords! Nobody should ever be told “they don’t know real pain”…EVER, especially when they experience pain everyday!
I am here if you ever just want to vent, I really really get it.


He thinks he knows everything so he doesn’t listen when I say something…


1 in 90,000 in the USA if you’re interested… (I can’t pass on a question like that LOL) Its a bit less if you live in Denmark FWIW.


Yep, same here. I’m turning into a basket case real fast. And, the family can see it. Two of our daughters are threatening to email my doctor if I don’t do something. I’m definitely depressed and IDK where this came from because it’s not me. Never felt like this my entire life. Nothing got me down like whatever the hell I have now is tearing me up! I can feel emotionally normal and then all of a sudden an extreme sadness comes over me and I bawl for not more than a couple minutes and then I’m fine again for a few hours. Actually, maybe I’m not feeling quite “normal” these days…

I made a doctor appointment for this coming Wednesday and I feel like I can’t get on a depression med fast enough!!! I thought I was scared when PsA was getting bad…I thought it was bad when my back went out and my feet starting hurting all the time. But it was nothing like this. I never got depressed over it. Now I understand what so many people have told me–I always thought depression could be fought off, but I know now it is NOT as easy to control as I thought. I do “get it” now…and my kids and husband seem to think my health and well-being is turning into an emergency situation!

A couple people in my family take Zoloft (Sertraline) and have good results with it. I took Nortriptyline for my foot neuropathy a few years ago and it helped the anxiety I had at the time–I wish I knew more about depression meds.

Thanks for being here! Hope you all are having a good day!

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Hopefully one day soon he will listen. I’m here for you!

That’s actually interesting :slight_smile: , does that mean 1 couple in 90,000 couples? Sorry, statistics has never been my strong suit.

Grandma_J, I have been on one depression med or another consistently since 2001, but lately I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water with my current meds.
I get those crying bouts, as a matter of fact I woke up this morning with my eyes swollen shut, because I had one last night in bed. Having dry eyes to begin with really plays a number on them.
Speaking from experience, depression does get better fairly quickly on meds. You also don’t really need any prior knowledge of antidepressants, your GP should be able to figure out which one would be most suitable for you.
I came across a post by JonSparky the other day with a link to an article that links inflammation to depression. They may be on to something there. I feel my depression gets worse the more the PsA gets worse.
I really hope you get better soon! <3 :heart::heart::heart:

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