Scared, tired and stiff

Hi all. My apologies for my recent silence. Several reasons: one, I started a new pt job that leaves me stupified when I'm done. Another is feeling stiff and yucky. And a third is that I'm scared. Reading the stories of so many good, caring people who've been whammied beyond belief is disturbing. I can't make rhyme or reason of the why and wherefore of it. And it bothers me that I can't. It seems like the more that people here suffer, the more they seem to evolve spiritually, which is also hard to fathom in a way. Very uplifting in one respect but shocking too.

How does nasty, vile, painful suffering make a better person out of someone, and yet it seems to...

Several of your stories have moved me so much and yet I feel so helpless to do anything other than to watch scenes unfold, which is also disturbing. Aren't we supposed to have control over life?

Am I making the slightest bit of sense here? In a nutshell, it's like the book says, "when bad things happen to good people..."

Also, I have an upcoming rheumy apptmnt that has me in a swivet. Will he find nothing wrong, and I just continue to be in pain? Or will he find something? It's like standing on the edge of a precipice and not knowing if you'll have to jump or cling to the edge.

I overdid it yesterday and went to bed horribly stiff and sore. Some part of me must have registered it because I dreamed I was living in a nursing home, confined to a wheelchair. I could only move around by pushing the chair with the tips of my toes. I visited someone worse off than me. Then I met some of the people there. Then I went to lunch with them in the big, institutionalized lunch room. My fear and panic caught up with me there, and tears spilled down my cheeks and into the food. Then they talked about the big event of the afternoon, Bingo. My heart completely sank at that point. I felt like life was completely over. I've worked in nursing homes, on the other end of things, and the dream was so darned realistic, only this time, I was a helpless resident. Panic mode X1000!!!

Sorry for the long diatribe. It's been an emotional week.

My very best to all of you. May this journey bring us hope and enough health to live life without losing the meaning or spark.

what can I say. Thankyou for thinking that I have improved as a human being because of this disease? OK thanks but I stll don't want it. I have the same feelings as you. What happens when I get OLD? I am 53 (last time I can say that) what will I be lilke in 20 years? No one of us has the magic answer to that. I could get hit by a car tommorrow or drop dead in 40 years of old age. My PsA may get better or may get worse. Has this disease made me a better person I dunno. I am hoping I was a nice person before PsA.

I am thinking that your job may be too much for you. Can you cut back on your hours? If you are coming home stupified it may be a bit too much for you to handle and if you are looking after elderly patients that is probably the cause of your of your night terrors.

I think it is a common factor (for women in particular) to worry the doctor may not find anything wrong with them especially when they have so many strange and new symptoms . You have a valid reason to see the rheumatologist. You have fatigue and wide spread pain. He will analyse the information, send you for tests and then make a decision. He may may make some arthritis related recommendations regarding your physical and emotional well being plus lifestyle and work changes he will want to implement.

petunia girl don't over analyse the situation, you are going to worry yourself just go and state the facts as to what where and when. It will all work out one way or another and everything will be all right. :)

Congrats on the job! I don' t know that we evolve spiritualy as much as we learn that the only time we have control is when we finally accept the fact we have no control. Far from being philisophical BS, that is life. Sometimes it takes a nasty disease to get us there.

Now about that Bingo thing. . . . Do you realize we have bus loads of seniors going to the Rez every week just to play Bingo? Which reminds me of my first trip to the principals office in first grade. The word catholic was on our spelling test. I spelled it B I N G O. I asked the young nun why it was marked wrong, afterall thats what the sign on the church said and we went to a catholic church...

It may not be your time to live in Bingo Parlour ( it likley will never be your time only 10% of us ever do) but if you ever do, guess what? It'll be just fine. With auto immune dementia, you won' t even know you are there.....

Be thankful you over did it, We picked rock yesterday,, my wife was stiff and sore from over doing it too and shes " normal" There may be times you don't have enough git up and go to under do.

I'm not pollyanna, I just don't have control.

TnT has hit the nail with the hammer. :) We don't have any control over life it just happens

Hey Pet,

I had so much fun yesterday, I slept most of the night, day, and evening, I'm not tired, but surely stiff, and not nearly as scared as I was before finding all of you wonderfully crazy folks, so time for me to jump in here for you girl!!

I just re-read 'your story'and from the family history alone, the Rheum appt. will be very enlightening. It is far better to know what is ailing you, than to still be out there 'on the quest'! Just the quest can take away any sanity you may still possess, and the fact that a Rheum will see you is a good solid step in the right direction. Knowledge is power, so you are just about to become even more of a 'Woman of Power'!

That nursing home dream/nightmare is enough to shake anyone to the core, but like lamb said if it is the case, hopefully we won't know it. Good thing is, people like you and my grand daughter work there. She is young and beautiful, can work anywhere, but tells me that she just loves 'old people', she is wrecked when one passes, and if she changes jobs, going to another home, still visits them!

Now on to the injuries, like my Rheum told me, "Sometimes it takes a car accident or injury that we can't get over to let us know that we have this", so now that you are headed for some good answers and better meds, you will begin to feel better. OTC analgesics are just so inadequate!!

The biologicals are the future of medicine, many have found substantial if not astounding relief. The new drug Prochymal that lamb turned us onto comes under the astounding catagory. I am one of the aging baby boomers, we are all getting to that arthritic age, there is BIG money in easing our aches and pains, so look out, cuz we are going to have many more at our Doctor's command soon.

We have never had any control, we have just managed to beat the odds, of not having something more terrible than this, none of us get off unscathed, not even the ones that seem to have it all!!

Spiritually evolved? Well, Petunia girl aren't you the charmer? I think it is compassion you are experiencing here, topped off with empathy, we are all on the same road, or different paths leading to the same road.

You are going to be alright, like we all said, the Rheumatologist is going to make a huge difference in your life real soon. Start making notes, of things you want to tell and ask him, so your time is wisely spent, but realise that the Doc will have to ask you some too.

We are here for you, don't panic, you are far from a NH/bingo parlor, you're just worn out and in pain. In the meantime go talk to your pharmacist, ask for the very best arthritis OTC they have until you can get to the Rheum, and since you are not on hard drugs yet, have a glass of wine or a drink, it will help loosen you up a bit! We are all on your side!

Stay strong and well rested!

SK

I have tried huge amounts of will power trying to control PsA (and I can be very persistent!) with no luck. I was feeling sorry for myself but then my FIL has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has less than a year. I’d rather have PsA any day…

Nobody (here) has ever suggested will power can control the PsA BUT will-power can help you control how it effects yourself. I think of one of my wifes teachers who valiantly fought and lost to cancer a few years ago. The cancer got her but she never gave into it. When she lost her hair she showed up to work in a Hot Pink wig. Figured everybody would know anyway so thought she'd have some fun.......

PsA may attack our BODIES, but we can control if it attacks our person (not that we will win every skirmish as I type this from bed)

Sorry you are down lamb, hope that you will be back on your feet soon, too much rock picking for you! What in the hell is rock picking anyway, like flower picking?

tntlamb said:

Nobody (here) has ever suggested will power can control the PsA BUT will-power can help you control how it effects yourself. I think of one of my wifes teachers who valiantly fought and lost to cancer a few years ago. The cancer got her but she never gave into it. When she lost her hair she showed up to work in a Hot Pink wig. Figured everybody would know anyway so thought she'd have some fun.......

PsA may attack our BODIES, but we can control if it attacks our person (not that we will win every skirmish as I type this from bed)