Hi all. My apologies for my recent silence. Several reasons: one, I started a new pt job that leaves me stupified when I'm done. Another is feeling stiff and yucky. And a third is that I'm scared. Reading the stories of so many good, caring people who've been whammied beyond belief is disturbing. I can't make rhyme or reason of the why and wherefore of it. And it bothers me that I can't. It seems like the more that people here suffer, the more they seem to evolve spiritually, which is also hard to fathom in a way. Very uplifting in one respect but shocking too.
How does nasty, vile, painful suffering make a better person out of someone, and yet it seems to...
Several of your stories have moved me so much and yet I feel so helpless to do anything other than to watch scenes unfold, which is also disturbing. Aren't we supposed to have control over life?
Am I making the slightest bit of sense here? In a nutshell, it's like the book says, "when bad things happen to good people..."
Also, I have an upcoming rheumy apptmnt that has me in a swivet. Will he find nothing wrong, and I just continue to be in pain? Or will he find something? It's like standing on the edge of a precipice and not knowing if you'll have to jump or cling to the edge.
I overdid it yesterday and went to bed horribly stiff and sore. Some part of me must have registered it because I dreamed I was living in a nursing home, confined to a wheelchair. I could only move around by pushing the chair with the tips of my toes. I visited someone worse off than me. Then I met some of the people there. Then I went to lunch with them in the big, institutionalized lunch room. My fear and panic caught up with me there, and tears spilled down my cheeks and into the food. Then they talked about the big event of the afternoon, Bingo. My heart completely sank at that point. I felt like life was completely over. I've worked in nursing homes, on the other end of things, and the dream was so darned realistic, only this time, I was a helpless resident. Panic mode X1000!!!
Sorry for the long diatribe. It's been an emotional week.
My very best to all of you. May this journey bring us hope and enough health to live life without losing the meaning or spark.