My husband never did a single second of research into my condition. I asked him to read this thread. He read the first entry. I wanted him to read the account of being in the hospital while he sits there, across the room, nose in his cell phone. He didn’t. He gave up on me and we are now getting divorced. I can understand the pressure my condition put on him, seeing me suffer and not being able to help. I never wanted him to cure me. i know that isn’t possible. I just wanted a friend to hold my hand when I needed it. I never got it.
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Sorry it had to come to divorce, @Kmwestmo, but it’s probably better for your health to move on. I’ve wondered so many times how a relationship would be with someone I felt actually cared about me. I’m sure my husband has his issues for whatever reason…one is, he tells me his mom was a “sympathy seeker” all through his life and he can’t stand anyone who’s looking for sympathy because of that. Well, his dad was a hard-hearted guy, too. Maybe if his mom got an ounce of sympathy she wouldn’t have had to seek it all the time. I think she was a hell of a great woman considering she had acromegaly, a benign brain tumor, bad back, RA, extremely high cholesterol and high blood pressure…in her later years she went blind from macular degeneration and ended up in a wheel chair living in a nursing home unable to walk or see! Oh, did I mention she successfully raised 6 kids? Her only mistake was her over-indulgence in those kids—especially my husband and one of his brothers—turning them into the unappreciative people they are. But she meant well.
I doubt we would ever split up. He knows what I don’t like about him and I know what he doesn’t like about me. We do talk, but I feel like at this point we’re together for the convenience of it and for our kids and grandkids. We both do our own thing—his is watching TV about 12 hours a day, and mine is having a part-time job and doing various other things involving our kids and grandkids usually. I just spent 4 days on vacation in AZ with one of my daughters—he was invited but he doesn’t care to travel.
It is what it is…
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Hello Dear,
Our story is so common it seems to have become cliche’. Once our spouse/partner reaches the point where they no longer are able to get what they want from us and feel they are having to give too much, they pull away and even become cruel. This is unfortunate but happens so much. While on the receiving end, I feel for both of us (my husband and I). Neither of us turned out to be who we thought we would be when we met so long ago. We didn’t try to deceive each other in the beginning, it’s just that we really cannot control all aspects of our lives despite our best efforts. I know it was hard, unbearable, for my husband to watch me suffer and to be helpless to do anything about it. What he didn’t realize is that i never wanted him to cure me. I just wanted him to hold my hand and be close to me. Just the warmth of his touch used to give me relief. In the end, he would not touch me. For years he had become distant and even cruel in actions and words. I tried to blame myself and my illness so I worked so hard, as hard as I could to save him, myself and our marriage because i thought that it would lead to my ultimate salvation. What I now know is that although we loved each other, we were not in love with each other. Our paths had begun to separate many years ago. As we approached middle-age, I thought this was normal, especially since we did not have kids. I always believed we would find our way back to each other because we vowed to be together forever. If that had been the case, I would never have really been able to take my recovery into my own hands. His cruelty was in fact the boon I needed to wake up and start to care for myself, rather than trying to get him to care for me. It saddens me to hear your story of a marriage of convenience, my sister is in the same situation. I am glad you have other people in your family you enjoy spending time with. Consider spending time with yourself. Caring for yourself in whatever way that seems to make you feel better. The only person you can change is yourself and the only time that exists is now. Be present, be grateful for the time you have, and try to refrain from worrying about the future and rehashing the past. Focus on the task at hand. Be here, now.
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