Help a Spouse #2 - PsA, SEX AND INTIMACY

General
1

Hi all,

I have been reading some of the posts around this subject and am looking for some advise. I am married to a wonderful woman who has PsA. for the past several months we have been having some pretty brutal discussions when it comes to intimacy and sex. I am going to be as honest as I can here about what is going on in hopes of learning, understanding and loving my wife in a way that makes her feel special. Apologies in advance if this makes some folks uncomfortable, but I cant be the only one experiencing these challenges.

I dont want to hurt her, make her feel insufficient or in any way add to her stress levels. However, I cant even bring up the subject of intimacy and my desires ( holding, touching, laying with each other without the expectation for sex) let alone actual sex without getting a very angry response in return. Some have been mellow conversations as my wife explains to me how her body feels, her lack of sleep, pain, headaches an overall anger and how she has changed. Others have been much more angry and escalated. I am trying to understand how to make this work...to be a better husband and a friend.

Our sex life and overall intimacy has become a source of major frustration for us both. We used to be very snuggly, touchy and active. We have always been very open, and adventurous in the bedroom. My wife doesnt want that anymore. Her pain come on very fast when we make love - and more often than not she is very distant and just "not there". She says she does it for me but that she doesnt think about sex, doesnt get turned on and that most days she is just trying to get through the day with as little pain as possible. She says that she relies on me to get her turned on but that she feels pressured when I try. It reminds her of how broken she is and she gets more frustrated and angry whenever the subject is brought up. We have tried toys and different positions and masturbation. Most times it ends without orgasm for her, and leaves her frustrated and angry. So I understand that this is something she doesnt want to do very often. I know if the tables were turned, and sex was painful for me, but pleasurable for her, I wouldnt look forward to it either. I have tried to just be there for her. Tell her I love her, show her in other ways that I am here and that she is not broken in my eyes, but still my bride, my love, my life. I know she knows I am hurting and missing our closeness, and I think this just adds to the cycle. I know she is hurting both inside and out. I just cant seem to reach her.

Here is one thing that I am trying to understand. Several times over the past months I have walked in and my wife has been masturbating. She would be lying there, reading her iPad - one of those steamy novels, paranormal romance, Fifty Shades of Grey type stuff. I was shocked at first and didnt say anything. I didnt want to embarrass her, make her feel shameful or otherwise interrupt. I was hurt and angry at first, but later realized how beautiful it was and was actually happy that she was able to have found a time, a space... a place when she felt secure enough, comfortable enough to relax and enjoy herself. I am totally ok with this. So I started to read the books too. I thought maybe I could figure out what was making her tick, so to speak, and maybe it would help. Some are good, some are just lame. Some are pretty hot and I can see how it might get her going. We share the same Kindle account, so when she bookmarks pages, I can see them too and they are ALL sex scenes. This too, I am totally OK with and love that she gets turned on by them. I was thinking to myself - wow, I wonder if we could do this together.

So...I asked. Whoops! One day I brought up the subject after hearing/seeing her and asked if it would be something we could share together. Do together without any pressure of her having to worry about pleasing me. No pain, no expectations no pressure. Just let me lie there with you and share this with me. That didnt go over to well. She completely denied it and said I was crazy. And she was as angry as I have ever seen her. Man I didnt expect that response. Then I got angry, frustrated and I was and still am very hurt by this.

My wife says that she doesnt think I know her anymore. She think she cant be the person I want her to be. She feels pressured, frustrated and tired. After 17 years together...she has never said anything like that to me. I dont know what to say or do. Walking on egg shells is the best way to describe it.

So I ask you fellow forum folks, those with and without PsA. What do you think? What am I doing wrong? What can I do better? Do I just drop it completely? Give her lots of space?

Are others experiencing similar intimacy issues?

Thanks,

JD

2

My husband and I had intimacy issues for a long time after my huge flare that finally led to my diagnosis. A big part of it for me was the pain. Another huge part was depression, which may be your wife's case as well.

I can't get into details now - I need to help kids get into snow gear to start shoveling us out from under 2-3 feet of snow with drifts up to 5-6 feet - but here's what helped me:

- coming to terms with life with PsA, as well as getting comfortable in my "new" body

- letting go of the fear of post-sex flare and pain during sex (I'm a survivor of sexual abuse, so pain during sex is SCARY)

- finding what worked for my husband and I: he has my permission to initiate sex when he comes to bed and I'm sleeping/on pain meds...if I swat him away, he stops, if not, great for both of us! ... him pleasing me in ways that don't involve a lot of touching of my entire body or being on top of me

- me getting vitamin and hormone levels checked ... and being put on thyroid med, B6, B12, and D - this made a huge difference

A lot of my anger when my husband brought up sex was due to the fact that I wanted more than anything to have and ENJOY sex, but couldn't imagine how that could be possible. It took some experimentation, but sex is even better now than it used to be because both of us are more in tune with pleasing each other in more gentle ways.

-

3

How long has she had PsA? I wonder if depression is playing a major role in her responses. Depression can cause people to get irritated and angry easily. Also, speaking as a woman, unmarried though, I wonder if she feels "broken" and that she is undesirable and doesn't feel like the same woman you married.

Honestly, I'm divorced, single and unattached, and at this point I'm glad I am because I can't imagine dealing with a relationship at this point. I've been struggling over 18 months with PsA - but only diagnosed in September with it getting worse over the past few months.

Do you think it would help if you went to counseling to get guidance on how to deal with the situation?

I wish you the best and hope something I said was helpful,

Frances

4

Boy oh boy does this hit home JD:( I will share with you my opinion, as a woman with PsA. Woman are typically natural caregivers, part of our DNA I guess. However, we also have an innate desire to be “taken care off”. Part of the allure of Christian Grey or any other steamy novel hero is there desire to take care of a woman in every sense of the word. I personally feel broken because I can no longer keep the house clean, make a good dinner, keep my self beautiful by fixing my hair, dressing nice, putting make up on. I can no longer be the limber gymnast, bending in every direction during sex. I no longer have a sex drive, as all the medications jack with my moods, my hormones, my desires. So I have a huge amount of guilt, even fear, that I can no longer be who he married. Does he still find me attractive? Does he resent me for having to do my share of the work? Is sex enjoyable for him anymore? So many doubts push out any lingering happy I have left. And then there is the pain, the constant ugly pain. Wiping me out and making me feel that much worse about myself.
I have changed, and what I find attractive about my husband has also. Just some examples of what he does that makes me get butterfly’s and makes my heart swell… He will take one look at me when he gets home from work, and he does not “ask” me how I feel. He knows I get tired of answering the question, and he already knows the answer. He silently goes strait to work, making dinner, helping kids with homework, brings me something to eat ( even though he knows I won’t ask because of my guilt that he is already doing so much ) he demands I eat because he knows my meds will make me sick if I don’t. He feeds the dogs, cleans up and does chores, puts kids to bed, brings me my meds and puts me to bed. He will massage whatever hurts, sometimes I will respond and he makes love to me in a way that is comfortable to me, whispering in my ear how much he loves me, how beautiful I am and ALWAYS how good I make him feel. Sometimes I don’t respond, and he tucks me in and tells me all the same things and then goes about making my coffe and all the other things I will need to do in the morning because he knows its going to be tough.
Things are not always this good, but when he takes such good care of me with out any words or prompting, he is my hero, my strong Christian Grey that is ready and willing to fulfill my every desire. That behavior eases my guilt, my heartbreak from feeling so broken.
Your wife already finds you as sexy as these novel hunks, she married you. What she needs is a hero. The definition of hero changes when a debilitating disease strikes a couple, and the healthy one must morph to compensate for the changes. For better or worse though, right. Find what gives her butterfly’s, and makes her heart melt and she will remember why she loved you right from the beginning and desire your “company” :wink:

5

Also - I'm wondering what meds she's on. If she's on prednisone, that could make all the difference. I get ANGRY when I'm on prednisone because of the med- it's not something I can control.

6

JD,
I’m glad you posted this. It reminded me that it’s been a while since I tried to have sex with my husband or even just snuggle and be close. Lately, I have been so wrapped up in myself and what is going on with me that I have been forgetting him. One thing I have noticed lately, is that when I’m feeling bad I become very internally focused and tend to tune him out. I shouldn’t do that because our closeness helps me feel better and not so alone.
I don’t have any profound advice for you as I am struggling to figure this out too. I can just tell you what makes me feel closer and more intimate with my husband. I love to listen to him talk and tell stories or talk politics with me, I love it when I feel bad and he rubs my legs without me asking, or tickle scratches my back, I love it when he brings me my pills, a soda, and a snack, or when I am reading he will play with my hair and rub my scalp.
It is difficult for me to remember that he is going through this too and it affects his life right along with mine. I try to include him but sometimes I forget. I should try harder because then I wouldn’t feel so isolated.

This is the second time that you have mentioned your wife being angry. I really get how being strapped with this disease can really make you angry. But she has to find a way to let it go. I recently started eTherapy. I have email discussions with a licensed psychologist in my area. I really like it. 1) I don’t have to go to another appointment 2) I can write him whenever I want to, so if I’m up at 2am I can kill some time and get things off of my chest. 3) Writing how I feel really helps me get it out of my system. I also journal a lot. I can’t really grip a pen for a long time, so I do it on my iPad.

I don’t think that “giving her space” is the solution because that would just make the emotional distance between you even greater. Talk to her about anything, share with her, give her your intimacy by sharing. She may not respond immediately, but hopefully in time she will start to share back. Spend time together doing simple things. Go for a drive and look at old houses, or through the country and spend time talking. It gives her some time to escape for a little while. Take her away for a weekend to a place that has a hot tub. Surprise her with a get away and at the same time, she can have some relief while soaking in the hot tub. Have your daughter spend the weekend at a friends house. My husband did that for me and it was wonderful. I felt so free, relaxed, not sick, I got to escape my disease for a little while.

I wish you the best of luck. I know you are really trying, and I know how tough this disease can be on a relationship. Keep trying, something is bound to work!

7

I’ve have had this same problem with husband. It is a hard balance. First off prednisone make me mean. Is she one this drug. My family know when I’m on his drug I am not myself. I finally recognized my rage problems after talking to a friend. She asked if I was ok…I hadn’t seen this person in a while and she brought to my attention how different my personality was. Now when on drug. I send out alert to family and friends apologizing in advance.

Sex with PsA is painful. Think of when you have a release and all your muscles tense. When you tense those muscles the joints sing. (Pain pain pain). Hard to get excited about that. I have my own bed now. Only because every time I move in bed it hurts and I keep him up. Sometimes I would lay there and suffer because I didn’t want to wake him. Our intimacy has gotten better since we did this. I know hard to believe. But now when I go to our bed he know he has a green light. I still struggle with this problem. But we are finally on a better understanding.

. My life has changed so much it is depressing. But I have to take life as I go.

8

You say you have already had some discussions and that did not go down well then you have to approach this differently in some other way. Definately not when your wanting sex and she is not feeling inclined. Not the time nor the place to discuss these problems. Choose some neutral ground.

You need to communicate with one another. Honesty and being open with one another is the only solution. You sound like a very considerate and understanding man and you have every right to have concerns about your future life together as a couple and with all facets of your relationship.

You need to talk about what is happening to you both individually and how PSA effects your relationship, She needs to feel comfortable enough to be able to pour out all her concerns to you without citicism. Reassure her. Dont go and choose some romantic dinner or weekend away to discus this with her with hope on your mind to have sex. I am not saying that is what you are doing, only to give you some ideas and what to avoid.

Make a time and a suitable place where you can be sure that you will not be interupped to discuss this, no phones or no unexpected visitors and nothing pressing that has to done on your agendas. You might be able to go outside and sit in nice quiet park. A little planning and thought on how this could be arranged with an appropriate place and time. Forget the bottle of wine!

Forewarn her a little about your need to have a good long talk about your future and the impact of PSA has on your lives and as a couple, be gentle and only say what is absolutely necessary and don't get into it then and there unless you are both completely free to continue the discussion. Answer her honesly with respect and consideration of her feelings. Anticipate her reaction or what she might say and think about it and be prepared..

Acknowlege the fact that it is not easy for you and you want to be understanding of her PSA and how it affects her but also you and you need to understand more and not feel excluded in any way and you want to maintain intimacy even if it is not exacly in the same way. Explain the changes that have happened and how it makes you feel. Never with any blame. Stick to the "I" statements. eg When I see I........ Relate your statement to how it makes you feel. Explain how your future days together are important to you and how you can both have a fulfilling life together even though she has PSA. Dont let this rule your lives.

If you cant do this together without her putting up her invisible brick wall to block you. You need to get some counselling and most good therapists should have trained in sex therapy, always check. You may need a referral from your family doctor. The family doctor is the ideal place to start if she will agree to go with you. He/she may be able to refer her to a gynacologist to check hormone levels etc. You did not mention age and at certain ages things do change.

Severe pain during sex this shouldn't happen if she is ready and willing. Sex gets the endorphins working which are the bodies natural pain relievers. Mother Nature is very clever isn't she!.

As far as joint pain goes because of PSA there are some positions that could be more comfortable and don't put as much pressure on to the affected joints. Extra padding with cushions or pillows might help. The not willing and only does it for you is a very big concern. That is the start of cracks forming in your relationship. This is an ideal opportunity to have a reason to try something different or new and experiment to see what will work for both of you.

If she gets turned on from reading steamy books and then doesn't turn to you there is something very wrong or she fears what might cause pain. Then she has to learn how to resolve that fear. Perhaps the books didn't actually do what you think they did. Don't assume, make sure you know for sure. There could be so many other fears about her PSA that might need to be worked through. Not being able to do what she use to and who or how are these thing going to get done now. All the what if's about the future.

Generally the whole relationship has to be working well for women to want to instigate sex. They have no control over how any negative emotions or feelings impact on their ability to want sex. One wrong word might be all it takes. It is always good to work towards creating the right atmosphere and mood and gradually building it up. A freindly snuggle while she is at the kitchen bench a rose from the garden or compliment on how she smells all helps.

You would be surprised how much helping around the house or in the kitchen will get you get want you want. If she doesn't have to be think about all the things she hasn't done and needs to get done or if she needs sleep to renew her energy to start all over tommorrow, If you can help out she will be ale to relax and be more willing.

Remember she would be going through a hard time trying to cope with the affects of PSA not being able to do what she use to around the house and feeling guilty or wearing herself completely out. Maybe her job as well is becoming more difficult with the PSA.

If women don't have to worry about all the chores that need to get done. She will unwind and relax and should be more willing. Try giving her a massage to unknot all her muscles, firm but gentle.

When you get the "not here" find more appropriate places or learn to be more discreet and not so obvious that anyone would notice if that is her reason. Otherwise you need to get to the bottom of why she is rejecting you from showing any type of affections. They don't hurt or cause pain!

If she still refuses you. You will need to look for other reasons and re-assess your relationship.

I do hope I have helped in some small way.

9

Hi JD,

I'm VERY impressed with your efforts to considering your wife's feeling, her situation and making an effort to make things work. You should be commended! To have the support that you've expressed is wonderful and not all people are able to handle or give as much as you have.

I wish both the best.

warmly,

Frances

10

A marriage counselor might help.

11

Hi JD,

You have received some awesome advice from everyone else. For me, I too understand your wife's resentment - so to say. It is REALLY hard to be excited about sex when you know when it's all over and done with you will need a pain pill. (Not that the during isn't good - it always in the back of your mind the after.....) I definitely agree about the massaging, caressing advice. I have newly developed ankle PsA, and when my husband rubs my feet it's a hurt so good thing. Not only telling her, but showing her you love her in non sexual ways goes along way with us females.

I know as for me, the looming fact that this is a debilitating disease makes me "angry" about alot too. Not that it is right, but it is what it is.

Best of luck to you and your wife. Hope you can get some resolve into this issue.

12

Lene (she has RA) wrote a post about touch on Health Central:

http://www.healthcentral.com/rheumatoid-arthritis/c/80106/158981/pain

I know that when I hurt, if my husband runs his hand over my hair or fingers over my eyebrows, it is blissful. It's very nonsexual and makes me feel cared for. Try some touches like that on your wife. Something that CANNOT be construed as a sexual advance, but still makes her feel cared for.

13

JD,

My prayers are with you at this moment!! I am the one with Fibro and just diagnosed with PsA, still in the process. I can tell you that there is so much that goes into Intimacy and Sex, and alot of other factors with women even without PsA or any other disorders. Hormones do play a huge part in everything and depression. As woman we have so much to feel compared to in this world, with TV and Magazines.. ect. With all of this we do feel like rejects. I do believe counseling would be the best. I know you all will get through this, and this will build into a wonderful life of Intimacy and Beautiful painless sex.

Blessings your way, Grace :))

14

I have thought long and hard about this, checked it out with my wife and tried to sort it out, because I wasn't sure if my first impression and reaction was correct It was seems more obscured by more psychobabble than you would hear a study group of social work juniors. Generally all counseling can do is point someone in the right direction it doesn't fix anything (and can't) Whoever suggested pastoral counseling was on the right track. You don't need any more touchy-feely, you need some practical direction, that might be a good source.

So here goes, file it where you want - its just an opinion. First you need to learn what intimacy is. It has no relationship to sex (well maybe cousins.) until you can become intimate WITHOUT sex involved, its near impossible to have a long term meaningful relationship. Intimacy comes long before either sex or marriage You might see a trend with people who have the two confused. They have a failed relationship (or series of them) and are now in another talking about "better communication etc but equating their intimacy with sex still, not some of them have haven't learned though....

You have failed the intimacy test on several fronts:

You used the word "broken" in regard to your wife with others. There is is no adjective to modify that word even "not broken" doesn't do it. If you failed in leadership and allowed your wife to use it, its the same as looking her square in the eye and saying she is. Even telling her "you are not broken" allows it to exist (her response is maybe not broken but certainly cracked) There is NOTHING broken (or even cracked) in an intimate relationship. You are one. You adapt to where you are at. Its no different than getting old things change.

In a move, I find nearly impossible to believe, you caught her in a very private moment doing a private thing and you opened your mouth. You could have excused your self ignored it or any other number of things, but no you laid on the psycho babble and gave her permission.... Couldn't have found a better way to lay on the guilt. If that wasn't bad enough you decided to make an all out assault on any sexual intimacy you had left and invite her to any swingers party so you could both masturbate. lets be blunt, while you are pounding pud, its not likely its only your wife you are thinking about nor her you. It might take care of sexual tension but it won't do much for intimacy or a marriage.

I could go on, but I've probably said enough. Work on your partnership, don't blame the PsA, and the rest will take care of itself. Your wife may be different than many but generally a woman will enjoy a nice conversation with her husband about over a cup of tea (especially if he made it and brought it too her) than reading a chapter in one of her romance novels by herself.

Just a word about romance, BTW There isn't a dang thing romantic about sprinkling rose pedals from the front door to the bedroom. She knows she's gotta clean them up. If you want a serious chance at "getting some" I'll share my two favorites. They have been working for years. Call her (or text) at about 2:30 or three and tell her your in the mood for (fill in the blank broasted chicken chinese etc) so not worry about dinner your bringing it home. Another great one is to load her and all the laundry up and go to a laundramat and get it all done at once. Its great alone time.... And even if the romantic effects aren''t "instant" they add up.
15

Amen tntlamb. You are right on the mark.

16

Thanks for the advise here. I think between some of the BS you laid out there are a couple of sound ideas here.

Dinner: I fix diner 2-3 times per week. Anything more than that and my wife tends to think I am trying to hard and gets frustrated.

Rose petals: Wouldn't think of it.

Intimacy: Very aware of the separation of the two words - hence the title of the post. As far as the failed relationships part - yup agree. However I have been married once and still am. So I think I have a pretty good idea of the two. Just yesterday I bought my wife a bath pillow and some lavender bath salts and hung out with the kids ( shopping, bike riding and playing at park) so she could have some time to herself, nap and relax with a warm bath( nope, no sex involved). It's been a long weekend here with the pressure dropping and cold weather, she is having a rough time. Oh yeah - and that was after I had done the shopping, done 6 loads of laundry, washed, folded and put away. We have 3 kids it adds up fast and its tough to keep up with it during the week. ( Oh, no sex there either). BUT, after her bath we did go to a raging swingers party where we all sat around and pounded our puds and thought of each others spouses while doing it. Man, what a great time. It was epic.

Pastoral Counseling: Might work for you. Certainly not for us. Thanks all the same.

Broken: Her words, not mine. Many others on this forum have shared that they feel the same way. I haven't seen you condemn them for using it. I don't choose the words my wife uses or "allow" it as you say. I react to it and try to understand and do something about it in a better way the next time.

I'll definitely be filing this in the appropriate spot as you suggested. Let me know if it hurts.

Thanks again.

JD



tntlamb said:

I have thought long and hard about this, checked it out with my wife and tried to sort it out, because I wasn't sure if my first impression and reaction was correct It was seems more obscured by more psychobabble than you would hear a study group of social work juniors. Generally all counseling can do is point someone in the right direction it doesn't fix anything (and can't) Whoever suggested pastoral counseling was on the right track. You don't need any more touchy-feely, you need some practical direction, that might be a good source.

So here goes, file it where you want - its just an opinion. First you need to learn what intimacy is. It has no relationship to sex (well maybe cousins.) until you can become intimate WITHOUT sex involved, its near impossible to have a long term meaningful relationship. Intimacy comes long before either sex or marriage You might see a trend with people who have the two confused. They have a failed relationship (or series of them) and are now in another talking about "better communication etc but equating their intimacy with sex still, not some of them have haven't learned though....

You have failed the intimacy test on several fronts:

You used the word "broken" in regard to your wife with others. There is is no adjective to modify that word even "not broken" doesn't do it. If you failed in leadership and allowed your wife to use it, its the same as looking her square in the eye and saying she is. Even telling her "you are not broken" allows it to exist (her response is maybe not broken but certainly cracked) There is NOTHING broken (or even cracked) in an intimate relationship. You are one. You adapt to where you are at. Its no different than getting old things change.

In a move, I find nearly impossible to believe, you caught her in a very private moment doing a private thing and you opened your mouth. You could have excused your self ignored it or any other number of things, but no you laid on the psycho babble and gave her permission.... Couldn't have found a better way to lay on the guilt. If that wasn't bad enough you decided to make an all out assault on any sexual intimacy you had left and invite her to any swingers party so you could both masturbate. lets be blunt, while you are pounding pud, its not likely its only your wife you are thinking about nor her you. It might take care of sexual tension but it won't do much for intimacy or a marriage.

I could go on, but I've probably said enough. Work on your partnership, don't blame the PsA, and the rest will take care of itself. Your wife may be different than many but generally a woman will enjoy a nice conversation with her husband about over a cup of tea (especially if he made it and brought it too her) than reading a chapter in one of her romance novels by herself.

Just a word about romance, BTW There isn't a dang thing romantic about sprinkling rose pedals from the front door to the bedroom. She knows she's gotta clean them up. If you want a serious chance at "getting some" I'll share my two favorites. They have been working for years. Call her (or text) at about 2:30 or three and tell her your in the mood for (fill in the blank broasted chicken chinese etc) so not worry about dinner your bringing it home. Another great one is to load her and all the laundry up and go to a laundramat and get it all done at once. Its great alone time.... And even if the romantic effects aren''t "instant" they add up.
17

Somehow I knew that would be your response. Best of luck doing what you have been doing, it seems to be working? No pain for me. I realize they were her words. Every part of what happens here is to help the understanding of not being broken.

I'm glad you did something together, its a start. Nor did I condemn you. You handled a couple of issues badly all of us do from time to time. Porn (soft or hard is one of them. privacy is another) If all you wanted was affirmation you were doing everything right, you wouldn't have asked. "pastoral" to me means practical not touch feely stuff, not religous either. It could be your wife needs a good swift quick kick in the nether regions (but not from you. Self pity is a very destructive thing.)

18

Thanks so much Nym. sorry for the late response - been a long weekend here. I think patience and communication are the key to our success. My bride definitely gets frustrated and angry for the same reason...she wants to enjoy the closeness, but doesn't think she can. This is something I need to adjust to. We will definitely keep trying. It just takes some better understanding on my part I think.

Take care - hope you dug yourself out!

nym said:

My husband and I had intimacy issues for a long time after my huge flare that finally led to my diagnosis. A big part of it for me was the pain. Another huge part was depression, which may be your wife's case as well.

I can't get into details now - I need to help kids get into snow gear to start shoveling us out from under 2-3 feet of snow with drifts up to 5-6 feet - but here's what helped me:

- coming to terms with life with PsA, as well as getting comfortable in my "new" body

- letting go of the fear of post-sex flare and pain during sex (I'm a survivor of sexual abuse, so pain during sex is SCARY)

- finding what worked for my husband and I: he has my permission to initiate sex when he comes to bed and I'm sleeping/on pain meds...if I swat him away, he stops, if not, great for both of us! ... him pleasing me in ways that don't involve a lot of touching of my entire body or being on top of me

- me getting vitamin and hormone levels checked ... and being put on thyroid med, B6, B12, and D - this made a huge difference

A lot of my anger when my husband brought up sex was due to the fact that I wanted more than anything to have and ENJOY sex, but couldn't imagine how that could be possible. It took some experimentation, but sex is even better now than it used to be because both of us are more in tune with pleasing each other in more gentle ways.

-

19

Hi Frances,

She was diagnosed 6 years ago but we think she has had it for much longer. Even as a child she had pain in her knees that really couldnt be explained. Broken is a word she uses often. I try and take a different approach to get away from such a negative association with herself...but it is how she feels. Depression may be part of it. I think the combo of everything, lack of sleep, plethora of meds, thyroid and kydney/UTI issues just makes it seem impossible to overcome so I wouldn't be surprised.

Yes - your feedback is definitely helpful and appreciated.

Frances said:

How long has she had PsA? I wonder if depression is playing a major role in her responses. Depression can cause people to get irritated and angry easily. Also, speaking as a woman, unmarried though, I wonder if she feels "broken" and that she is undesirable and doesn't feel like the same woman you married.

Honestly, I'm divorced, single and unattached, and at this point I'm glad I am because I can't imagine dealing with a relationship at this point. I've been struggling over 18 months with PsA - but only diagnosed in September with it getting worse over the past few months.

Do you think it would help if you went to counseling to get guidance on how to deal with the situation?

I wish you the best and hope something I said was helpful,

Frances

20

Yes - you have hit it on the head here. I will definitely do more to be her hero in every sense of the word. Whatever it takes for as long as it takes. As a spouse sometimes the frustration and helplessness get a bit overwhelming, I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. It helps to know how others are handling this situation.



Rottiemomma said:

Boy oh boy does this hit home JD:( I will share with you my opinion, as a woman with PsA. Woman are typically natural caregivers, part of our DNA I guess. However, we also have an innate desire to be "taken care off". Part of the allure of Christian Grey or any other steamy novel hero is there desire to take care of a woman in every sense of the word. I personally feel broken because I can no longer keep the house clean, make a good dinner, keep my self beautiful by fixing my hair, dressing nice, putting make up on. I can no longer be the limber gymnast, bending in every direction during sex. I no longer have a sex drive, as all the medications jack with my moods, my hormones, my desires. So I have a huge amount of guilt, even fear, that I can no longer be who he married. Does he still find me attractive? Does he resent me for having to do my share of the work? Is sex enjoyable for him anymore? So many doubts push out any lingering happy I have left. And then there is the pain, the constant ugly pain. Wiping me out and making me feel that much worse about myself.
I have changed, and what I find attractive about my husband has also. Just some examples of what he does that makes me get butterfly's and makes my heart swell... He will take one look at me when he gets home from work, and he does not "ask" me how I feel. He knows I get tired of answering the question, and he already knows the answer. He silently goes strait to work, making dinner, helping kids with homework, brings me something to eat ( even though he knows I won't ask because of my guilt that he is already doing so much ) he demands I eat because he knows my meds will make me sick if I don't. He feeds the dogs, cleans up and does chores, puts kids to bed, brings me my meds and puts me to bed. He will massage whatever hurts, sometimes I will respond and he makes love to me in a way that is comfortable to me, whispering in my ear how much he loves me, how beautiful I am and ALWAYS how good I make him feel. Sometimes I don't respond, and he tucks me in and tells me all the same things and then goes about making my coffe and all the other things I will need to do in the morning because he knows its going to be tough.
Things are not always this good, but when he takes such good care of me with out any words or prompting, he is my hero, my strong Christian Grey that is ready and willing to fulfill my every desire. That behavior eases my guilt, my heartbreak from feeling so broken.
Your wife already finds you as sexy as these novel hunks, she married you. What she needs is a hero. The definition of hero changes when a debilitating disease strikes a couple, and the healthy one must morph to compensate for the changes. For better or worse though, right. Find what gives her butterfly's, and makes her heart melt and she will remember why she loved you right from the beginning and desire your "company" ;)