What to say?

I need some help my friends,

I have a lovely friend who’s daughter (in her early 20’s) has had a massive flare of P over the last year…some may remember I mentioned her before in passing and her difficulty in coping with all the emotional issues that goes along with it.

Well they pushed for a Derm consultation and got it, she’s started UVB treatment and is responding well. She discussed with the Derm her swollen knee she had a few months ago and could it be PsA? Hes suggested if it returns or anything else flares she should contact him asap and he will refer her to the Rheumatology team (her GP doesn’t like to refer)
All good and a sensible plan but…

Her Mum, my friend has lost it, she is in pieces that her daughter may have a future with PsA. I understand, I really do and have done my best to talk it all through with her but she is often on the phone in floods of tears. Frankly I’m finding it very hard to deal with as its so close to home for me (my son had Severs disease, tendon issues, P as a child and tested pos. for the gene) I feel completely drained by it. I dread the phone ringing now.

So what more can I say? I suggested she sees her own GP as she has recently weened herself off her antidepressant medication, Ive suggested some form of counselling.
I know she needs an outlet for her grief and worry so she doesn’t upset her daughter with it.

Sorry if this sounds like I’m the worlds worst friend, but I’m struggling with this

Ahhh, Severs disease. Funny because you guys over there call it that (named after and American Orthopod, and over here we still call it calcaneal apophysitis. In any even if you would quit playing that game you call football, and play real football where we break bones, your incicidence of Sever would go way down.......

Anyway tell you friend to get some help she is very near having Munchausen syndrome.

Her daughter only has a pretty low chance of getting PsAand if she hasn't had active disease bvy now, shes not likley to for another 30 years if she does (statistically speaking of course) , and while you are at it ask why she insists on telling you you have a bad life when its not...... Remind her you have PsA, a great partner, great career, great kids, just had a great vacation, and generally have a great life. Maybe she should look at you and realize her daughter can have it too. if she has some specific questions ask otherwise concentrate on getting her daughter through school make wise choices about relationships, and generally get on well with life that may or may not include PsA. What she is doing to you is a load of crap. She needs to get off the pity pot and quit trying to make it about her. She thinks she has a sympathetic listener. What she really need to hear is what we all know: ( wise lady by the name of grumpy siad it;"Remind me that I am strong, remind me that I am lucky, remind me that I'm still a boxer; that sort of stuff. Don't let me feel sorry for myself. Kick me in the ass. Remind me to practice what I preach. That's what I need most. Once I start getting the "woe-is-me's" I lose all grip on reality."

Of course she's bring you down, Its important to let her know NOT to do that. You are not the disease. and her daughter could do a lot worse than to be like you.

In case you didn't notice I have no patience for these kind of people. Its not in the slightest about her daughter, it all about her.....

amen. She needs help. Her daughter will cope just like we all do IF (and that's a big if) she develops PsA. It sounds like her daughter will cope better than the mom.

Causing you stress is not okay. Tell her it is time to Google. She needs to do her own research, not call you in a panic every single time she comes up with something else to freak out about.


Lol thanks lamb, I’m too used to being a good listener lol, think I just needed to hear I’m not being selfish to give her a kick up the bottom. She has had a shit life and normally copes well with her problems. But enough is enough, hopefully she will thank me in the end :slight_smile:


tntlamb said:

Ahhh, Severs disease. Funny because you guys over there call it that (named after and American Orthopod, and over here we still call it calcaneal apophysitis. In any even if you would quit playing that game you call football, and play real football where we break bones, your incicidence of Sever would go way down…

Anyway tell you friend to get some help she is very near having Munchausen syndrome.

Her daughter only has a pretty low chance of getting PsAand if she hasn’t had active disease bvy now, shes not likley to for another 30 years if she does (statistically speaking of course) , and while you are at it ask why she insists on telling you you have a bad life when its not… Remind her you have PsA, a great partner, great career, great kids, just had a great vacation, and generally have a great life. Maybe she should look at you and realize her daughter can have it too. if she has some specific questions ask otherwise concentrate on getting her daughter through school make wise choices about relationships, and generally get on well with life that may or may not include PsA. What she is doing to you is a load of crap. She needs to get off the pity pot and quit trying to make it about her. She thinks she has a sympathetic listener. What she really need to hear is what we all know: ( wise lady by the name of grumpy siad it;"Remind me that I am strong, remind me that I am lucky, remind me that I’m still a boxer; that sort of stuff. Don’t let me feel sorry for myself. Kick me in the ass. Remind me to practice what I preach. That’s what I need most. Once I start getting the “woe-is-me’s” I lose all grip on reality."

Of course she’s bring you down, Its important to let her know NOT to do that. You are not the disease. and her daughter could do a lot worse than to be like you.

In case you didn’t notice I have no patience for these kind of people. Its not in the slightest about her daughter, it all about her…


:slight_smile: I hear you, thanks


tmbrwolf329 said:

amen. She needs help. Her daughter will cope just like we all do IF (and that’s a big if) she develops PsA. It sounds like her daughter will cope better than the mom.

Causing you stress is not okay. Tell her it is time to Google. She needs to do her own research, not call you in a panic every single time she comes up with something else to freak out about.


Thank Sybil :slight_smile:


sybil said:

For obvious reasons the internet isn’t full of people saying ‘I’ve got x disease and it hardly bothers me at all’ though there are plenty of them I believe, even where PsA is concerned. So although your friend’s daughter’s Psoriasis is pretty nasty even if she does get PsA there’s a good chance it will calm down or get controlled quickly … isn’t there? (I’m in the dark, just going on life experience as much as anything.)

What lamb says about the 30 year thing … is that because PsA tends to show itself most often in younger people and then again most frequently in middle age? Anyway, I’m pretty sure I had PsA at 16 - just the same symptoms as emerged in 2012 except in 1974 they lasted all of 6 weeks. Your friend seriously needs to drop her fixation on worse case scenarios and not to press your buttons either, that’s not fair. You seem such a kind person, but maybe shouting the odds loud & clear would actually be a kindness to your friend.

Boy, Louise, I think your “friend” is testing the limits of that word! As usual, Lamb has beaten us all to the punch with his direct and sage counsel. There’s nothing wrong with telling your friend that you understand she’s in pain but that this is all a little too close to home and familiar for you and that you really can’t help her any more than you already have. Give her the message to back off. While you’re at it you might remind her that it is her daughter and not she herself who has the potential diagnosis so to shape up for her daughter’s sake. This doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you a friend who establishes boundaries and who believes in self-preservation. We can’t always offer tea and sympathy, right?

You really need to balance your relationship with this woman. Sounds like she has tipped over into soul-sucking vs. the give and take of normal friendship. It's reasonable to help and listed to others, but not at the expense of your own mental equilibrium.

Your friend doesn't sound like she is being a very good friend. I think you are going to have to give some firm words of advice; counseling, anti-depressant, support group and then set some limits. This is not good for you, nor is it actually helping her.

Thank you all for your advice and support, I have taken it all on board and will act on it, thanks again :slight_smile:

That's what we are here for :) Glad we could give you some workable advice. Tough love is one of the hardest things to do (and do well), but is a critical skill to develop for our own peace of mind and for that of the people we care about. Good luck!

Sending positive supportive thoughts your way Louise. Sometimes the support of a friend and some firm but gentle words of advice is just what is needed to focus on the here and now.

Your friend is very lucky to have you for support. Also, maybe now is not a good time to go off the anti depressants? Is there a reason she had to go off? Best of luck and take care

Thanks :slight_smile: She decided to discontinue them as she has been on them for a number of years and felt she didn’t need to be anymore, I asked if the reason she felt good enough to come off them was in fact because they were doing their job! Her GP advised her to continue, and so have I.

I had a similar experience with a friend, and basically said to her, 'The best thing you can do for your child right now is to stop worrying (if you need meds to do so, go for it!), help her be as healthy as she can now, and support her IF it happens. A positive lookout for BOTH of you is what she needs right now. If she gets PsA, you know you have lots of resources and support lined up, so no worries!"

I also pointed out that I used to be a big worrier. HUGE. If there's one thing PsA has taught me, is that there are very few things in life that require any amount of worrying. And also that i'm HAPPIER and life is BETTER now, living with very aggressive PsA / AS than it was before diagnosis.

I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days. I’m sorry for your friend, and I’m sorry that you are faced with this dilemma, Louise. Yes, you are a good listener and an extremely empathetic person. But sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for someone who is in a pickle is tough love.

Your friend needs to get herself functional first, or she will make her daughter’s problem worse. It’s kind of like the airplane thing: in an emergency, you put your oxygen mask on first, and only then do you help those who need your assistance. Same thing.

IMO, your friend needs a psychiatrist &/ psychiatric social worker. The best thing you can do for her is whatever it takes to send her in that direction. Even if that means taking your distance until she does.

Personally, I think she needs to go back on her antidepressant meds and why would she wean herself off of them? She's the one that needs help and I think the antidepressant med is the 1st place to start! Sorry to hear that she's drawing you into her circle of doom and my suggestion is to runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn as fast as you can until she can get the help she needs. I know that sounds harsh but what she's doing to you is building extreme tension and difficulties on you! Take care and put yourself first on this one as you've tried and done all you can do.

I agree with you Louise! I have a family member who occasionally tries to go off hers and every time she tries it becomes an issue. I explained to her that her being on them is not a bad thing, she is missing something in her chemistry (chemical imbalance) and being on them regulates what her body is missing. Similar to us having to use meds to help keep our bodies from having our disease damage our joints.

Louise Hoy said:

Thanks :) She decided to discontinue them as she has been on them for a number of years and felt she didn't need to be anymore, I asked if the reason she felt good enough to come off them was in fact because they were doing their job! Her GP advised her to continue, and so have I.