I’ve not had a great year. However … of late I’ve had just a few surprising days, VERY surprising. For example, I found myself cleaning the house and enjoying it. Another time, I did a whole load of admin tasks … and felt satisfied with my day despite the inherent boringness. How could this happen to a slob like me? The only answer I could come up with was that, for the first time in ages & ages, neither bending / scrubbing / hoovering nor sitting over my computer all day hurt at all.
What has been happening is that daily life has become very nearly unbearable, despite my rather positive ‘global score’ at rheumy visits. Pain makes everything a downer. Relief from pain + absence of fatigue makes an otherwise naturally happy person ecstatic, even while wielding a duster.
The ‘global score’ thing bugs me. Don’t know if this applies everywhere, but I’m asked to score myself from 1 - 10. 10 being the worst state I can imagine, 1 being the best. Having a vivid imagination, I think of 10 as literal torture and give myself a 2. So does my rheumy. Therefore I’m doing pretty well. Well no, that has not really been the case. Pain has ground me down. I’d rather have intense localised pain which invokes strong emotion than the overall ache and weariness that has become so commonplace and subtly undermines me to the extent that I’ve started thinking that feeling p*ssed off is part of my personality.
Just had another really good day. It is like being a whole new human being. I might get angry or irritated etc. while feeling so much more alive but depression seems less likely.
I make it sound as if I’m having massive mood swings. But that’s not how it is. I’ve learned to enjoy feeling better rather calmly. And the same goes for the down times … best kept to myself on the whole, though not totally denied.